I am so lost... Please someone help me!

[sandi2]

Welcome to the community Johnnie. I hope you will post often b/c that sure helps to build a good support group here.

Your story sounds like so many others here at DB board, but I realize that it's your story and it's personal and painful. Michele is all about solutions, so I hope that we can all put our heads and experience together and come up with good solutions for your MR.

It's good that you can see what she has had to deal with in her daycare and the strain it has been on her personally. Even though you have been a wonderful provider for your family, and you have shown your love for her in many financial and materialistic ways--and giving terrific gifts (trips, etc.), there has been something lacking for her.

I would dare say that she has some emotional need that has not been met by her husband in a very long time. While you were waiting until the daycare to end and the kids to grow up.....you were also neglecting a flower who was sleeping in the other bedroom. If you don't give a flower water and sunshine, it will wilt and dry up until no life is left. That's pretty much how it is for most women.

If you have not read the five languages of love, I suggest you buy it and see if you can determine what your W's love language is.

In the meantime, I want you to prepare yourself for some more "bombs" and "devastation". It takes quite some time for the usual WAW's feeling to wake up and desire her husband and/or care about working on the M.

I'm not trying to discourage you more than you already are, but I'm giving you information you need to prepare for what's coming.

With that in mind, are you willing to to do the work to save your M? Most of DBing is mental/emotional work that you do from within yourself.

The first thing you have to learn is that you cannot "fix" her. You cannot make her change her feelings or behavior by talking to her about the R, trying to force her into MC, or get her to read some book. None of that works. The only thing that will stand a chance in her wanting the M again, is for YOU to become the man she fell in love with (only a better version, if possible).

She's made her list of complaints about you. She even said that you were falling back into your old habits. She will have her doubts that you will stay changed. She will believe you are doing it just to win her back and then you'll revert to your old ways again.

If you try to change just to get her back....you will burn out faster than she did with the daycare! You have to make the changes for Johnnie. You want to be the best man....the best dad......and the best H that you can possible be.

Remember this, don't write any letters, emails, etc. without first running it by here. Not that we want to control your life, but a lot of newbies do that and then come on the board and say, "Help, I messed up!"

You have a lot to learn, so try to take your focus off your W and put on yourself and your kids.