Thanks Learning Patience. I made an appointment to start seeing an IC. First appt will be this coming Monday. I also ordered the DB book.
I am trying my best - I have kids I have to think about. Some days are harder but some are bearable. Thank God for my wonderful kids - I don't have much free time to mope and cry.
He is back there now.. he skypes everyday and email - just impersonal emails. He is loving to our babies and cordial to me during our skype sessions. I don't initiate emails - I only answer emails if its necessary.. Like yesterday he asked me to scan his orders to the new location (I don't know why he needed it I didnt ask). I have a feeling he probably will try to have it amended - because currently his orders include his dependents to move to the new location when he comes back from deployment.
I know he needed support and all while he is deployed so how is that going to affect my DBing? Sometimes I just feel like I better just let it go..obviously he doesn't want to be with me and I should just probably let him be. Right now I am in a Prepare for the worst and hope for the best mode.
I brushed up my cv. Called my headhunter to start shopping it. I gave up a good career when I married him. Putting everything in me to be a good wife/mother and supporting our army life. It's a scary thought to be out there at 43 with 4 kids (but the two teenagers are both going to college - both have full scholarships) I know I will be ok. Heartbroken yes but my two babies and I will be ok eventually. BUT I just don't want this divorced life for my girls. I was lucky my two older kids and I survived it the first time but I was young, beautiful, a go-getter and you know when you're young you feel your invincible and can do anything. I am educated (grad degree and all - speaks 8 languages) resilient and hardworking. Despite all these things, this hit me so bad and I just have no self-confidence or self esteem - nada!. I am also terrified of the thought of going out there on my own with two small children at my age.
I am so confused as to what to do. One minute I like to fight for my marriage then in the next minute I feel like its futile. I can't make him love me. No one can. One thing for sure though I have to snap out of this soon. I want to show my kids that I can stand tall and meet life's roadblocks head on and do the best that I can with dignity and self respect.. God it's so easier said than done though.
My oldest daughter wrote me a letter today. I want to share. Dearest Mom, Put a smile on! Your face is far too beautiful to taint with that frown. Look at yourself so broken so weak. Whatever happen to the strong and independent woman I knew and looked up to? Whenever someone asked me who my hero was, I would always say my Mommy, because you were the strongest person I know. So you need to pick yourself up again. Be strong. You are beautiful, kind-hearted and intelligent. You don't require validation from others. I love you Mom. You need to love yourself. You're going to be fine. Love, D17
The last few years, I kinda feel I lost my sense of identity. My life was pretty much kids and husband. Now he wants to break the life that I know and I am just so powerless. I feel like my whole world is crashing around me and I am so powerless to stop it. Everyday seems to be a struggle.... I feel often times I have been backed into a corner and I am fighting like hell to get out. The confusion I feel is completely unbearable some days. Nights are worse. I lay there in bed just staring at the ceiling looking over at the pillow next to me and wondering if I will ever see my husbands face there again. It seems the harder I fight the more he pulls away. Deep down I feel there is something bigger here something within him that is tearing him up inside and really what kind of wife would I be if I just abandoned my husband but at the same time I also have my pride and self-respect - this man is repeatedly telling me he doesn't love me and it's not his fault that he can't love me...but I believe in marriage. I know what it stands for and I know what we are capable of together and that is what gets me through my days. I am so torn.
Me 43 / H 36 M 3 / T5 S18/ D17 with 1st H D3 D1 Emotionally detached March 2011 I dont love you May 17 2011 Husband is deployed
