After 2 years separation, he still wants out!!!

[MommaDucki]

Will try to keep this short because I do have a lot going on today and have to get a move on....

Since H and I separated, I've overall changed a lot about myself....moving back here, and due to car issues that caused me to move into H's apt when it's not ideally what I wanted has been hard. I've had to adjust to the fact that DD and I have been virtually on our own for over two years, and we've gotten into our own routines. I've backslid a bit since we got here because my momentum feels thrown out of wack. It doesn't really have anything to do with H, but I seem to be making it about him for some reason.

DD and I get up every day and go about our business. If I haven't made other care arrangments for her, I do kinda get firm with H that he needs to watch her. He's getting better about it, and has changed his sleep schedule around so he's actually awake during the day now. It's caused him to even start telling me he would rather DD stay here while I'm working instead of going to sitter's house. Little positives for DD's sake and don't really care about teh rest. Keep telling myself the rest doesn't matter, but there's stil that secret hope deep inside me, but I can't force it to happen. I know this, but i still slip.

While I was still living so far from H, we had mutual friends of ours who'd ask H sometimes why I seemed so distant with H and them....was I mad, etc? H always said, No, I don't think she's mad at all. Just think she's up there doing her thing for now. She has her own life.. When same friends approached me directly, I actually gave them the same answer without even realizing H and them had these discussions. H's world and mine have been fairly separate for the past 17-18 months now. At first, I was very enmeshed in what he was up to...i let it go, and focused on me.
Got more active with my church and several groups there, kept up my counseling, and due to "right in front of me" stresses of living with my parents, therapy started turning away from M and H and more towards my parents and family...Overal, that aspect helped tremendosly because H and I always had issues that I felt weren't actually relevant to H, but moreso issues I had that were unresolved from much earlier in my life. Was nice to know I was making T about ME, and not "us" and I faced quite a few demons that I've avoided for most of my adult life.

I began working out, lost almost 50 pounds over a 10 month period and have maintained it for the past 18 months...Excercise regularly, I go biking (with DD in tow in bike trailer), have a few new playgroups DD and I joined since we moved (we had several as well up at my parents house). I was at the nearby university last week talking to admissions counselor about enrolling in classes for the fall sa well. Was at a point over a year ago when I really pushed myself into gear and straightened up a TON of my financial issues. Had issues in the past that were making it hard for me to get approved to rent an apt...cleared all that up.

Occasionally, over the past year and a half, H's asked me what's up and if there was anything he could do to help. I've simply told him, don't worry about it. That I appreciate his concern, but I'm ok and going strong.

To sum up the S, I feel I really focused on just me and DD, reached a peak where I knew I was really ready to at least move out of my parents' house, but I didn't for some reason...Feel that caused me to backslide and it had nothing to do with H...was a fear for DD about the change. Was when I started really thinking about what I wanted for her long term. Was mosdtly doing this from a single parent mindset as well.

When it comes to DD, I've pretty much had a single parent mindset about her since she was born. my therapist thought I had a pretty severe case of post=partum depression after she was born...I know I wasn't myself, but I was very much s NOT myself. Was hard on H, and when we separated, H has had a stance of "I do so much for DD and you won't even recognize it" and I've taken stance with him of, "H will set his own path for R with DD...I won't do anything on his behalf to encourage or discourage their R. Will accept any help or offers he makes, but I'm not really counting on him for anything. Tired of hearing empty words from him."

At one point, I'd told him "H, stop telling me what you're going to do, and just tell me when something has been done!"

That's been one of my mantra's about him ever since. I put no stock in his words or actions. Now that we're physically living in the same house again (though not for much longer), it's hard knowing that I see his little positives with DD and am having a hard time stepping back to let him have his chance at being a dad to her finally.

Feel like I've been venting about H related stuff here directly because I had my counselor for that before the move and have not yet gotten back into T since the move. It's been challenging in a good way since the move, but I'm still here, going strong and making it. H's not understood much of the different me that I brought down here, as he told me yesterday. Says he expected me to be mopey, miss my family, be sad, not look for work, not look for childcare, etc. I just sat and listened instead of retorting. When he was finished talking after 40 minutes, I simply thanked him for filling me in and that I am just doing what I need to do for myself is all. and then left the house again to get back to work. lol. He's not the old H he was before S, of that I'm sure, but I don't know if he's different over the past few weeks we've been here or not. Several mutual friends of ours say he's acting weird right now. I tell them I'm not really interested in hearing about it. His life, his choices.

All I know is from a legal standpoint, H and I are still married, I've always to this day worn my ring(s). I messed up too, 2 years ago when H and I decided to allow each other to date, and I did. Wish I hadn't, but can't change the past, so I learned my lesson from that and moved on. What did I learn? That I still loved my H and it wasn't over with him till it's over (even if we're back together, that old M is over and we begin again).

So much more I could say, but really need to get a move on. SIL, BIL, nephew and niece will be here this afternoon. H's not happy they're coming. he tries to have no contact with his family. They were passing throug the area and asked if they could stop in for a visit and to bring DD's bed that has been at FIL and SMIL's house forever, and I agreed. She was very close to my sisters, BILs, neice, and nephews up at my parents' and I want her to have the same sort of closeness with H's family, even if he chooses to not have a R with them himself.