I tried talking about the open marriage again, about working on a solution we could both live with she accused me of not listening and "changing my mind again". Then she once again declared she wanted a divorce. Stormed away she once again started the oh woe is me after the divorce talk. I expressed that I was sorry that I "ruined" her life.
Of course the fight was longer than that, but that's the general gist. This fight is pretty standard in our house. If it goes as usual she will be ok by morning. Then the cycle begins again.
Have you tried to just say "Ok, I don't understand completely, but if this is what you want. I'll cooperate".
Then walk away. Go out and do things for you.
I'll be honest, the whole open bi-sexual relationship shouldn't be this hard. It's like a swinging f'n door and WAY above too complicated for me. I don't get it. JMO
BUT validation goes a long way. Validate and listen. Don't try to HOLD on. Agree and accept, and move the opposite direction.
but there's a KEY difference in your sitch and the vast majority of WAW/A's you compare yourself to here...
1) She's pretending to ask for your permission (it's actually extortion, since she threatens to leave if you don't give it) and yet....
2) yet YOU TELL HER SHE CAN, it'll hurt you BUT "if that's her choice" (wth does that even mean??) So in her eyes, what boundary is broken?
None. You have no boundaries. That's what bothers me.
I've described this aspect of her behavior as self centered, immature and unfair. At times it's downright cruel.
The whole facade of generosity with the elaborate breakfasts is just what I said, a facade of generosity.
If my h were cheating on me w/OW, and we both knew it,
AND he was going to see OW on Sat nite, but on Sat morning he presented me with an expensive beautiful necklace, how do you think I should respond?' With gratitude & positive feedback... b/c "he's trying"?
Do you see how crazy this is getting?
And lastly, the whole military "F-U" she gives out, annoys the he!! out of me.
I'm a veteran and married to a bird, (&and a doctor) so I know that the wives' things can feel a bit confining. As an officer myself I was treated fine. As a "dependent wife" I was treated fairly well and honestly, it's the same in the civilian world. The "bosses wife" gets the same hassle/dislike/favors that they may get in the military.
So what? She knew when she married you that you were MILITARY
and guess what? NEWSFLASH...in the Corporate world, her described behavior, would hurt your career. I've seen that w/my own eyes. What's with all the resentment she has against...what? Success? People who can cope with authority? I don't get it...major baggage...
Your military career deserves RESPECT, not silly childish contempt, which is exactly what her expressed wish was for, contempt.
Why on earth did she marry a man in the service?
(You don't want to know my next question, so I won't ask it...)
I have no idea what types of families you guys came from or how much you like the drama of this
maybe you took the high risk assignment in combat, like you chose the high risk marriage... but the thing is...
I just don't see the upside.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
25 after this last fight I think I'm finally ready to drop the rope we keep going in circles and I'm tired of this. I hate how she extorts me with leaving. I know tomorrow she will be more calm. I will talk to her tell her I don't want a D but as long as she is not willing to commit to us she can have it. I will then take off my ring and tell her that there is nothing I want more than to put it on again, but I won't until she is ready to put hers on.
Faith I tried that approach but as 25 says she has me totally whipped writing the rules of the game so that only she benefits, when i try to ask her to reconsider the rules she blames me of "changing my mind" it's her totally unfair way of dismissing my concerns and then blaming me as the inconsiderate one.
No I think I finally had enough. She can have her D if she is so intent on destroying the thing she had with the person that cared the most about her.
As a man, speaking to a man, you don't have to be whipped. You can stand up and lead. If she is irrational, then stand up for yourself. F her. She will only get away with what you allow.
Don't follow your feelings, pick a direction and go. My opinion, give her what she wants...even if it hurts.
I'm not being a jerk, but the whole she does this and she did this don't fly....Be a man and pick a direction, lead, and let go.
Will post a proper reply tomorrow. Bottomline I told her that this open thing was not working for either one of us. Told her that the jealousy we had stemmed from us being so insecure about our M. Told her that until we fix us an open marriage is just doomed for D.
Told her that before we even considered opening it we had to fix us. Told her marriage is about sacrifice, and that I could tell she wasnt willing to do that for me. Told her neither of us was allowed OP's until we had a good marriage. She said she didn't think she could do that. Told her marriage is about sacrificing for each others happiness, and if she couldnt do that we were destined to fail. We discussed other things but that's the key points.
but there's a KEY difference in your sitch and the vast majority of WAW/A's you compare yourself to here...
1) She's pretending to ask for your permission (it's actually extortion, since she threatens to leave if you don't give it) and yet....
2) yet YOU TELL HER SHE CAN, it'll hurt you BUT "if that's her choice" (wth does that even mean??) So in her eyes, what boundary is broken?
None. You have no boundaries. That's what bothers me.
I've described this aspect of her behavior as self centered, immature and unfair. At times it's downright cruel.
The whole facade of generosity with the elaborate breakfasts is just what I said, a facade of generosity.
If my h were cheating on me w/OW, and we both knew it,
AND he was going to see OW on Sat nite, but on Sat morning he presented me with an expensive beautiful necklace, how do you think I should respond?' With gratitude & positive feedback... b/c "he's trying"?
Do you see how crazy this is getting?
And lastly, the whole military "F-U" she gives out, annoys the he!! out of me.
I'm a veteran and married to a bird, (&and a doctor) so I know that the wives' things can feel a bit confining. As an officer myself I was treated fine. As a "dependent wife" I was treated fairly well and honestly, it's the same in the civilian world. The "bosses wife" gets the same hassle/dislike/favors that they may get in the military.
So what? She knew when she married you that you were MILITARY
and guess what? NEWSFLASH...in the Corporate world, her described behavior, would hurt your career. I've seen that w/my own eyes. What's with all the resentment she has against...what? Success? People who can cope with authority? I don't get it...major baggage...
Your military career deserves RESPECT, not silly childish contempt, which is exactly what her expressed wish was for, contempt.
Why on earth did she marry a man in the service?
(You don't want to know my next question, so I won't ask it...)
I have no idea what types of families you guys came from or how much you like the drama of this
maybe you took the high risk assignment in combat, like you chose the high risk marriage... but the thing is...
I just don't see the upside.
Where's the "Standing Freaking Ovation" emoticon???
Faith I tried that approach but as 25 says she has me totally whipped writing the rules of the game so that only she benefits, when i try to ask her to reconsider the rules she blames me of "changing my mind" it's her totally unfair way of dismissing my concerns and then blaming me as the inconsiderate one.
A: "Yes, wife, I changed my mind. I've done a lot of thinking, and I have decided that this no longer works for me."
Where is it written in life that you're not allowed to change your mind? Changing it away from an UNhealthy, DEstructive choice, and toward a healthier, constructive one, is called "personal growth" and "maturation."
Will post a proper reply tomorrow. Bottomline I told her that this open thing was not working for either one of us. Told her that the jealousy we had stemmed from us being so insecure about our M. Told her that until we fix us an open marriage is just doomed for D.
Told her that before we even considered opening it we had to fix us. Told her marriage is about sacrifice, and that I could tell she wasnt willing to do that for me. Told her neither of us was allowed OP's until we had a good marriage. She said she didn't think she could do that. Told her marriage is about sacrificing for each others happiness, and if she couldnt do that we were destined to fail. We discussed other things but that's the key points.
I feel pretty good about myself right now.
ok, I posted those other replies to you before I saw that you had done this. GOOD JOB. Only thing I would have changed is, instead of saying "neither of us is 'allowed' OPs" (you're not her father), is something like "you're an adult, and you can do whatever you choose to do. I'm just telling you that an open marriage doesn't work for me, so if that's what you want, it will have to be with someone else."
The first way is controlling, and an ultimatum. The second way is a boundary of your own personal integrity.
