I need fast advice!

[kermitdfrog]

Thanks everyone
Donna...Found, I like your suggestion about waiting 24 hours to respond to things, I admit I am too impulsive, and it hasn't helped my cause.
25yearsmlc, You are right that I am driven by fear. It has always been a bit of a problem for me, but since he filed, I really feel panicky. I feel a definite sense of urgency, and a lot of the self control that I had finally developed in this situation, seems to have disappeared. I felt like I had plenty of time for him to see my changes before, but now worry that I don't. Plus, just the steps of the divorce process, make me want to throw up. It's so hard to seem confident when you are heartbroken and on the verge of tears.
kml, I like the analogy of the tug of war. I agree that the harder I tug, the more resistance there is.
oldtimer, I am confused as to why you feel a straight apology (with no requests or demands) is "controlling" my husband. I just really felt the need to do it. For myself.
I spoke to our marriage counselor, and he felt the apology was a good thing. He also said that codependency in a marriage is "as common as oxygen". Everyone does it. But he said, the issues can be ironed out in counseling.
My husband is coming by tomorrow to do a couple jobs around the house, and to bring some papers by for the divorce. I have got to stay strong and not let him see how much it hurts. He said that we could go get something to eat, but by the restaurant suggestions, I get the feeling he is trying not to make it seem like a date. I get that, since he wants a divorce, but it hurts so bad for the man I have been with for three decades, to no longer see me as a romantic partner. I miss the way he used to look at me. It literally makes my heart ache.
Also, he is definitely getting more work than he was. I prayed for months for him to get contracts, thinking it would relieve his stress and make him feel better about our marriage, but now he is getting contracts and it will help him afford our divorce! And I think it reinforces his thoughts that he is better off without me. Ouch.
I really am living a life without him. I am keeping busy with friends, my job, a womens' Bible study and spending time with my kids. My son is home from college for the summer, which is great. The house isn't so lonely. My daughter is in graduate school, and lives about 15 minutes away. So I spend time with both. But nothing I do fills that void in my heart. But I am trying. And I really do try my hardest to make him see a confident, positive woman when he sees and talks to me. But lately, that has been really hard. But I try. I do know that I need to do it so that if (and I am stubborn- I refuse to say WHEN) my husband does divorce me, I will still have the activities and people in my life that I had before. I feel like I am doing a decent job with my external life. It's the incredible hurt inside of me that I am having trouble with. I hurt so badly I can't stand it. I miss my husband so much. But I carry on...