I think I'm done.

[ericmsant2]

Crushed

I am 20 months into W's A.

You are also 20 months into become the man that you always wanted to be. Stop looking at your W.

I am closer to my God.

Amen for that brother! Funny, I found the closer you get and longer you are in this process, the more you prayers begin to change. That is once you have dealt with most of the anger, which btw will rear it’s ugly head from time to time.

I am closer to my kids.

Good! Cause IMO,

Closer to kids = better dad

Better dad = better man

Better man = happier man.

I have added new skills and hobbies.

Kudos to you. What hobbies? Chit the only hobby I have been able to pick up is…..snot throwing. What I do, is set up the trash can oh…about 10 – 20 feet away from me and then see if I can “make it in the can”…if ya know what I mean. Oh…this was a joke so ya better be smiling.

I have reconnected with old friends.

Always a good thing!

The anger I had when I began this process has subsided (mostly) and given way to a greater level of understanding.

Do not be surprised if the anger comes back. What I found is that it does BUT once it is processed I found that is goes away a lot faster….a lot faster. Understanding….hmmm…what do you understand? I think I know the answer but figured I would ask.

I thought I had successfully detached from W's actions. But I find that I have had mixed success

For a long time I actually thought that one day..pow…I would all of sudden be totally detached. It takes time man, a long time. Longer than even I thought and I have found that once you “think or feel” that you got it…well that is when you tend to allow yourself to be brought back into the madness. Noticed I said YOU allowed and not she dragged you. Detachment, IMO, does not mean that you are never going to get angry of frustrated by her actions. No, it means that you are working to detach from her life, from her choices…..it is when you finally get to the place where you are truly living for you. It is a place where the thought of how she may react to something or what she may say does not even come to your mind. Why? Cause you have totally let go…totally detached.

Exchanging kids mid-week makes the process so much more difficult.

Then figure something else out. Limit all contact or as much as humanly possible. Can she drop the kids off at a mutual friend or at grandparents….can you remain in the house and not go out and meet her. Crushed I am dealing with the children exchange issue right now and although some days can be a bit tough on the emotions. I really do try to limit ANY interaction I have with my STBXW. What this has done is truly helped me heal. So buddy, what ideas can you come up?

After W's tirade today, I realize she'll never address the issues she has. She is pure hate.

Hey man….stop talking about my wife that way..oh wait, yours is just like mine. Seriously though Crushed, I want to point out a few things. These are NOT 2x4’s.

1) you say you realized that she will never change. How can you say this? Really this is your anger speaking, which is understandable. The reality is that she probably felt the same way or feels the same way now. Bottom line – you changed. Well so can she.
2) You say she has pure hate. For arguments sake I will agree with you….so let say she does. How does that change what YOU do for YOU and the kids? IF she has hate in her heart, well that is God’s job to deal with – not yours.

Detach brother…detach…

It is unhealthy for me and my kids.

Agreed and what are you going to do about it? Don’t just say what the problem is…what is the solution? Com’on buddy you can figure something out that limits any interaction.

I am missing a lot.

What are you missing? If you are living your life for YOU what exactly are you missing? Is it the affections of another women? If so, trust me…..I get it….All I can tell you is that everything you are going through you must go through..it really is part of the process. Oh…and you are only missing what YOU allow yourself to miss. Owe it buddy…don’t blame it on her. She is living her life and you buddy should begin living yours.

but you will KNOW when you are done

So true…..so true…

Crushed – each of us are different. We all have different levels of tolerance. I am with Faith in that I will support whatever you decide to do. That said, let me tell you what “done” is not (at least in my opinon)…..

“done” is not….
1) a complete reprieve of emotions that may surface in your interactions with your W.
2) moving on with someone else and trying to find your happiness
3) a way to avoid from dealing with the anger, hurt and frustration of all of this
4) is not running….

Crushed, trust me when I tell you that once you really begin to limit your interactions with your W, you will feel a whole lot better.

God Bless,