He came to pick up the car tonight and then wanted to talk about the D paperwork. I wasn't really prepared for that and I was out cleaning up the back yard when all this was going on.
However, I did want to talk to him so I said ok anyways. I listed out what I felt needed to change on the paperwork and he wrote it all down. I said I want to review this with a lawyer and he said ok and pressed me into a timeline on that so I have to try and do it next week.
Then I initiated an R talk. I said I wanted to understand more about what led to this because I needed to know for myself, to work on etc. I said it must have been very hard to do what he did and he must have been in so much pain to do it, etc. Then I asked what led to that? It took a while and rehashing some things over and over to get to it but it seems like it basically came down to me not giving him his LL or, what he felt, was any LL (besides my own). When that was combined with me quitting my job when I got pregnant and sitting around the house doing nothing then and after the miscarriage it became the 'straw that broke the camel's back' for him.
Anyways, I ended the discussion because he keeps insisting all his feelings for me is dead. There is nothing to rebuild because there are no feelings there. It doesn't matter how many excellent points I bring up or how great I argue. It doesn't matter that he knows his lack of communication led to this. It doesn't matter that he knows I would have worked on it if he had ever really said anything and not just acted happy. He understands that I didn't know anything was really that wrong because he faked it hoping that "acting like he loved me" would get him the reciprocal "love" in return.
He won't come back unless he thinks there are some feelings there to come back to and he can't feel those if he doesn't let himself... so I think I'm in a catch-22 this time around. I'm trying to show him a happy fun person but it's so hard when he's physically here (which is not often) - I either want to yell at him or cry. I was doing fine today until he pulled the "let's talk about paperwork" business and caught me off guard. I should have said no, please schedule a different time for that ...
