The anger I had when I began this process has subsided (mostly) and given way to a greater level of understanding.
I thought I had successfully detached from W's actions. But I find that I have had mixed success.
When I find some peace and resolution, I will see W again and doubt my resolve all over again. Exchanging kids mid-week makes the process so much more difficult.
After W's tirade today, I realize she'll never address the issues she has. She is pure hate. I can not listen to her anymore. It is unhealthy for me and my kids.
After last weekend, I realize how awesome it is to relax, take a deep breath and look around. I am missing a lot. The rest of my life is waiting.
I think its time to be un-stuck.
M / W: 43 D8 S6 M 10 years / T 13 years W admitted EA/PA: 10.6.09 Separated in same house 10.6.09 W moved out 2.27.10
It takes a while not to feel the proverbial bricks falling on you all over again, so don't beat yourself for that one... don't know where your sitch is heading, but it helped me to see less of ex, sped healing.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
You are also 20 months into become the man that you always wanted to be. Stop looking at your W.
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I am closer to my God.
Amen for that brother! Funny, I found the closer you get and longer you are in this process, the more you prayers begin to change. That is once you have dealt with most of the anger, which btw will rear it’s ugly head from time to time.
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I am closer to my kids.
Good! Cause IMO,
Closer to kids = better dad
Better dad = better man
Better man = happier man.
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I have added new skills and hobbies.
Kudos to you. What hobbies? Chit the only hobby I have been able to pick up is…..snot throwing. What I do, is set up the trash can oh…about 10 – 20 feet away from me and then see if I can “make it in the can”…if ya know what I mean. Oh…this was a joke so ya better be smiling.
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I have reconnected with old friends.
Always a good thing!
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The anger I had when I began this process has subsided (mostly) and given way to a greater level of understanding.
Do not be surprised if the anger comes back. What I found is that it does BUT once it is processed I found that is goes away a lot faster….a lot faster. Understanding….hmmm…what do you understand? I think I know the answer but figured I would ask.
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I thought I had successfully detached from W's actions. But I find that I have had mixed success
For a long time I actually thought that one day..pow…I would all of sudden be totally detached. It takes time man, a long time. Longer than even I thought and I have found that once you “think or feel” that you got it…well that is when you tend to allow yourself to be brought back into the madness. Noticed I said YOU allowed and not she dragged you. Detachment, IMO, does not mean that you are never going to get angry of frustrated by her actions. No, it means that you are working to detach from her life, from her choices…..it is when you finally get to the place where you are truly living for you. It is a place where the thought of how she may react to something or what she may say does not even come to your mind. Why? Cause you have totally let go…totally detached.
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Exchanging kids mid-week makes the process so much more difficult.
Then figure something else out. Limit all contact or as much as humanly possible. Can she drop the kids off at a mutual friend or at grandparents….can you remain in the house and not go out and meet her. Crushed I am dealing with the children exchange issue right now and although some days can be a bit tough on the emotions. I really do try to limit ANY interaction I have with my STBXW. What this has done is truly helped me heal. So buddy, what ideas can you come up?
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After W's tirade today, I realize she'll never address the issues she has. She is pure hate.
Hey man….stop talking about my wife that way..oh wait, yours is just like mine. Seriously though Crushed, I want to point out a few things. These are NOT 2x4’s.
1) you say you realized that she will never change. How can you say this? Really this is your anger speaking, which is understandable. The reality is that she probably felt the same way or feels the same way now. Bottom line – you changed. Well so can she. 2) You say she has pure hate. For arguments sake I will agree with you….so let say she does. How does that change what YOU do for YOU and the kids? IF she has hate in her heart, well that is God’s job to deal with – not yours.
Detach brother…detach…
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It is unhealthy for me and my kids.
Agreed and what are you going to do about it? Don’t just say what the problem is…what is the solution? Com’on buddy you can figure something out that limits any interaction.
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I am missing a lot.
What are you missing? If you are living your life for YOU what exactly are you missing? Is it the affections of another women? If so, trust me…..I get it….All I can tell you is that everything you are going through you must go through..it really is part of the process. Oh…and you are only missing what YOU allow yourself to miss. Owe it buddy…don’t blame it on her. She is living her life and you buddy should begin living yours.
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but you will KNOW when you are done
So true…..so true…
Crushed – each of us are different. We all have different levels of tolerance. I am with Faith in that I will support whatever you decide to do. That said, let me tell you what “done” is not (at least in my opinon)…..
“done” is not…. 1) a complete reprieve of emotions that may surface in your interactions with your W. 2) moving on with someone else and trying to find your happiness 3) a way to avoid from dealing with the anger, hurt and frustration of all of this 4) is not running….
Crushed, trust me when I tell you that once you really begin to limit your interactions with your W, you will feel a whole lot better.
God Bless,
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
E, your input is appreciated. I have chosen to forego companionship and affection in order to learn more about myself. I don't blame W for "keeping" me from it. I am confident that I could find it if I wanted to. However, I am now considering moving forward with my life because I believe she is incapable of evaluating herself within an acceptable time frame. Certainly one I am no longer willing to wait out.
I have prayed for her. I will eventually forgive her completely. But the negative impact she is capable of inflicting is one I am no longer willing to accept. Unfortunately, she is now ratcheting up the pain via financial assault. It will take financial independence to solve it.
Trust me, I still experience the rage. Violent fantasies. But they subside quickly. I have backslid into feeling sorry for myself; into being stuck. But I recover quickly and take back ownership of my sitch.
I get discouraged that there is no penalty experienced by W or OM for their actions. But I understand that vengeance is God's. I just wish it would happen sooner rather than later.
I have been successful at limiting interaction with W. But she is good at the ambush. I realize she will always be in my life. So finding a healthy interaction is critical.
I get discouraged that there is no penalty experienced by W or OM for their actions. But I understand that vengeance is God's. I just wish it would happen sooner rather than later.
Hate to say this CNS but she probably "feels" penalized everyday.....
whether it is right or wrong
whether it happened or not
whether she is MLC or not
whether she realizes it or not
she still "FEELS" whatever she feels......
Thing is she wants to "blame" someone else for that pain.
You are that someone.
When you are totally gone out of the picture she will blame someone else......
It takes a long time for people to "look" inside.....
It takes longer for someone in MLC to "look" inside....
She might not ever.....Mine XW may not ever.....
Truly letting go is not caring whether or not you have ring side seats to see that horror show......
Trust me......after the sh!t laiden path we have all walked as the LBS dealing with MLC........I wish we could all go about our lives and then get a little text when our MLC spouses and X-spouses are about to hit rock bottom and realize.....
Yeah, I want a ticket to that show for sure......
BUT (hate that word)
It just ain't gonna happen.
so fagitaboutit...........and really get on with your life.
I will tell you that just because you are ready to pull the trigger on DIVORCE doesn't mean that you are all done......which you are finding out.
It is just part of the journey.......we just get a little better at dealing with it.
The feelings you are feeling are going to come and go and it is okay, you will learn to accept that you are going to revisit some of the pain from time to time, just the way it is brother.
I am glad you are feeling better about you......
Fix yourself first.....that is what this is really all about.
Hope you have a great weekend!!!!
Cheers
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
crushed I dont really know your full situation But I know there comes a time that we are done too much damage has been created I think when MY xh M 28 yr old OW(addict) that was it for me and a very painful time we know and there is so much more outside after leaving all the pain and craziness behind our work is done in this phase good things are ahead and everywhere around us when we are ready to totally let them go Peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Thanks MHL and Peace. I understand that divorce won't end the pain. I also understand that having the tools to deal with this experience don't insulate me from pain and anger. They only shorten the duration of the feeling.
I came to this site, as all of you did, to save my marriage. I honestly feel these methods are useless for saving marriages, but tremendously helpful for coping with otherwise debilitating circumstances.
W came over today to look for some unspecified thing in our storage boxes. She wouldn't tell me what. "It doesn't concern you". She then demanded all the cable boxes because she doesn't have HD, so neither should I. I requested my name now be on the account, but that would require she let go of control. During the ensuing discussion, she trotted out all the reasons for her not to go to counseling with me.
She began to extole the virtues of her new man and declared how she didn''t need me anymore. She did say she needed to make a choice and my failure to do anything to convince her to stay (while she's banging OM) was the last straw. I should have said something to OM. Really?!! There are a pantload of things I can say and do now if that's what it takes. She ominously says my next marriage won't include her - but then breaks down a bit by the weight of the things she says.
She again rehashes a history that I take total responsibility for and is primarily summed up by me not being responsive enough to her needs. I try to re-direct (as with my 6 year old) to the here and now, but she's uninterested. Wallowing in the past justifies the present.
Tonight I am slightly upset, but I'm letting myself feel it. And I don't have TV to watch. But I'm not hung up on her actions. I don't know what to tell the kids about Mommy taking all the cable boxes. I just need to find a way for myself. I know I'll be happy in the future. Finding the best path is the challenge.
No one deserves to be treated badly, EVER. As long as you have fixed your part and are working towards your goals of bettering yourself, your path is your choice.
Can you explain this? I've read it a couple times through and still can't figure this out....
"I requested my name now be on the account, but that would require she let go of control."
Why request? Can't you just go get your own? F*ck her right now.
"She began to extole the virtues of her new man and declared how she didn''t need me anymore. She did say she needed to make a choice and my failure to do anything to convince her to stay (while she's banging OM) was the last straw. I should have said something to OM."
Pure spew and blah blah blah. Man, it's almost comical. It's a test + part crazy + pain killer = That comment. It's quite sad...do you you feel sorry for her yet? I do.
We wouldn't survive more than an hour if we were inside their heads.
"Tonight I am slightly upset, but I'm letting myself feel it. And I don't have TV to watch."
Don't blame you. All this crap does help you find your path eventually.
