I was taking a shower this morning and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I realized just how unattractive my behavior has been over the past few weeks with all the cycling and insecurity. How the thoughts of W and OM have not been constructive, how my confidence has actually gone down since spending time again with W. These behaviors and cycles are something that I have to break.
The comment about your regret with reconciling really hit me Lotus. Was that regret something that was only in the beginning when you were considering reconciliation, during reconciliation, or was it something that came up after you reconciled? What was your fear in never experiencing that feeling again?
My W and I have been doing a bunch of stuff together to build new positive memories. It has been pleasurable but as I stated above some of the things that I have been doing I can now see were very unattractive. Sometimes I just wonder if subconsciously I am trying to sabotage the reconciliation by not just being in the moment and letting some of the past go.
M 33 | W 34 | Kids: S4, S3 M: 5/28/05 Bomb: 8/22/09 EA: 8/1/09 | PA 12/26/09 W L: 10/21/09 M L: 11/16/09 | 12/09 to file SA W & Boys Move Out: 3/14/10
It's forgiveness, and it's really, really hard. We struggled with it well after the Retrouvaille weekend. It comes up in the Post sessions. So you are ahead of yourself, by expecting to have it done already!
My consolation with the abandonment by my husband was that I would find a new love and have that high all over again. I remember thinking about it over the weekend. And the thought stayed with me during the Post sessions. In the last post session we did a dialogue about how we felt about reconciling. And I finally told him what had been going through my mind. That reconciling was bittersweet, because though I was happy to be saving the marriage and the family, I was sad to let go of the dream of having new love again. And he was nice about it. And we talked about it. And I let it go.
In the end, I was glad I did. Old love has the ability to deepen in a way that new love doesn't. I am happy with my life now, and we are both proud of our achievement. We don't know many couples who have been married for 31 years like we have.
Thank you for your insight and the additional information about finding a new love. Being together 31 years is a huge accomplishment and you should be proud of that.
Journaling: I find my W and I falling into destructive patterns and I am just as much at fault as she is. After a situation occurs I can analyze the scenario and see where I retreat and stonewall. Neither of us are good about putting our hurt feelings aside and talking about them. I am hoping that Retro can help us improve our communication skills.
Sadly there are times when I look at Retro as a last ditch effort. There are times when I just want to throw in the towel and say screw it. Sometimes I think that it would just be better to start my life over and move forward. Other times I look back over the past few years and think if we made it through that we can make it through anything.
At this point I am of the mindset that Retro is a last ditch effort and if things don't improve then I will make the decision to move forward alone.
M 33 | W 34 | Kids: S4, S3 M: 5/28/05 Bomb: 8/22/09 EA: 8/1/09 | PA 12/26/09 W L: 10/21/09 M L: 11/16/09 | 12/09 to file SA W & Boys Move Out: 3/14/10
