Oh the patterns he weaves...

[MommaDucki]

At the moment, I'm literally right on the fence because of his current OW...she is the one he was talking to on the phone with the other night (the convo that led to phone sex that I woke up to and had to leave the house). As I learned from the past...before our separation...prying hurts me, makes me angry, and impedes on my ability to take care of DD, so I refuse to do it any longer. I get tempted, but know I'd be backtracking if I did, so I won't give in.....I know I'm strong enough because of all the other temptations I've kept myself away from (drinking, dieting, excercising, playing video games....I either gave them up, or stay on myself about maintain diet and excercise and am proud of myself for it, so I know I can do this too!)

First part about this is....he's bounced from PA to PA since we separated (difference is I feel they are PAs, H is very emotionally divorced from me, so he feels it's not cheating or an affair. Doesn't view them as full on relationships either for the most part...says he uses these women to take care of him for a spell till he gets bored and then moves on.) This says to me that he's not taken any real time to focus on himself. I have another thread going that I just posted on briefly summarizing H's childhood. I know due to lack of guidance from both his parents that he never learned to take care of himself. One of the things I've told him is that I can't rely on him any longer to follow through with his promise to take care of me or DD because he can't take care of himself, so I don't really expect him to take of another as well. Until I can see that he can fully take care of and support himself, I'm not willing to really put the effort into working on us.

The fence portion for me is that H told me the other night that OW he is currently talking to hasn't become a PA. She confessed to him very early on in their meeting that she has herpes. This supposedly gave my H respect for her for the honesty, but also made him reluctant to even meet her in person. I guess they met once in a neutral populated place with a group of other people, but this is all hearsay. H is very cautious about STDs and such, as am I. This immediate situation though could prove a point of no return for me....If H goes full blown PA with her, I'm done....not the route I want, but not gong that road.I will not subject myself to H's lack of concern for his own well-being, let alone mine....

This morning, I walked into H's bedroom (only way into the bathroom, how annoying) to hear H on phone with her saying he was very soon here going to pick up up and take her on a real date? Ummm...not with my car you're not!!!! So, I'm torn, frustrated, and yet, still smiling, and overall happy with my life. Have good friends here, DD is building a social circle, working, still biking, still working out, still journaling, overall, just still going very strong....I wasn't sure I would be able to do it, but so far so good. I think I'm strong enough to stick to my guns.

If H really turned his focus onto himself and only that, I feel he'd deal with the demons from his past and be able to move forward and establich a truly intimate R with someone...still secretly hopeful it's me, but I don't let on to him about that. I know him oh too well, know his habits, know his ins and outs, and I know it all much better than he realizes. He told me last night that he really connects with this OW because he feels if he's to ever be able to commit to someone, having it be someone who knows him at his worst and still wants to be with him would just about sign, seal, and deliver a commitment to him. (ummm...DUH! what am I? this hasn't been a fairy tale for me)