25 Deep inside I know you are right, but I'm not going to lie in saying that I am not afraid of totally losing her if I leave without her. I signed up for an extra risky assignment to get us there..... Going without her seems like such a waste.... Ridiculous I know.... Furthermore I'm not sure if I have the ba!!s to break it off. If we were staying in the states i would have done it already. I didn't have the guts to stick to it three times. Not sure how I will react with being so close to leaving.
That being said cutting it off now would take away her opportunity to change her mind at the last minute. It's a long shot, but I want to see if she can really go through with it. At the very least if she goes through maybe i'll finally have the conviction to end this. I could easily say: "tried it, hated it, good bye unless you can committ. "
I know if we separate she'll leave out of spite and find OP's. (although I would suspect she would do this more out of anger than anything.) So I've rationezed that at least when it comes to her choices there is nothing I can do. If she's going to do it she will.
That being said the topic of her "date" on Saturday, has not been touched in over 24 hours. I am trying to tailor my actions so she understands that while she has permission, I am having a very hard time accepting it. I even told her verbally, and made it very clear that her actions were hurting me. So all of yesterday I have tried to go through my day as cheerfully and routinely as possible.
She on the other hand is reading me like a book, or feeling ridiculously guilty because she asks me every 20 mins if everything is ok. I smile and say yeah, why wouldn't it be? She then drops it. If she pushes the issue, or asks if the date is bothering me. I will tell her, of course this is bothering me you knew that, but I told you I'd let you explore. How else am I supposed to react, this is very hard for a husband to accept. Then drop it unless she keeps wanting to talk about it.
Ok so why am I acting like this. Well for one I want to give her the chance to choose not to do it. (she's backed down on two previous occasions, both times I told her if she did it was her choice). Both previous times she arranged this she was angry when she did, just like this time.
I also know that she is struggling with boundaries right now she is like a teen like YAH said. She's felt controlled and manipulated by me, so she's challenged me on multiple things in the last couple of months. I noticed that if I back down she'll usually make the right choice on her own. If I press she will do the opposite to spite me. I can tell that she is tired of choices getting dictated to her because she is "married". Instead she wants to do the right thing because she chooses to. Just yesterday we talked about formal events and she said she wanted to wear a skirt with a cuss word on it just to make waves. In the past this would have devolved into a fight because I would have told her that she coouldnt because she is married to someone of high rank and responsibility. She would have rebelled against feeling forced to comply merely because she is married to me.
Instead I told her that she was free to wear what she wanted, but that I would hope she cared enough about me to keep me from getting in trouble. She said didn't want me getting into trouble, but still would wear something outrageous. I smiled and said that was fine as long as it didnt get me in trouble.
Does this logic fit into the current dilemma? Maybe, I'll find out tomorrow. At one point she started resenting that it was her "role" to make me breakfast everyday. So I said fine its no problem and started making my own. Now she makes me delicious meals everyday, because she wants me to enjoy them. I love them too. She chose to do it.
Finally I spoke with a friend who has a masters in psych, and is in what he calls a successful open marriage. He know the entire sitch and we talk about it twice a month. After I told him the latest the first thing he keyed on was the fact that she was moody, and arranged for the date the same day we got our flight tickets.
He thinks that since she is unsure of the move at some level she is purposely creating conflict to have an easy out. He then went to say that comparing her actions to other people in the "community" she is one of those people that is totally unsure of what she is doing, and doing it for all the wrong reasons. His advice was just to let it roll of my back and call her bluff. Easier said than done but he reminded me that the more I push the more she'll push back. He said not to be surprised if she backs down at the last minute.
So this is where I stand now, we are going out tonight, at her request. She has been super considerate the whole time, and I got one of the more elaborate breakfasts ever from her. Clearly she is feeling some guilt, I wonder if it's enough for her to back down. Also she mentioned yesterday what I wanted for US to do this weekend I found that a little odd seeing as she supposedly has plans. Trying not to read too much into it. I also wouldn't be surprised if sat comes and goes and she doesn't go and doesn't mention it.
She always tries to avoid issues so it wouldn't surprise if I spend all of sat and sun with her and she tries to pretend there were never any date plans. She'd probably get upset if I brought it up. Either way I know I won't find out till tomorrow, I know she feels very guilty talking about it, so she won't bring it up until I do or the last minute.
As for me I already have plans, not going to mope at home that's for sure. I know at one point she will ask what the plan for tomorrow is. I will tell her my preferred plan which is to go to the Big city with her and visit 5 specialty shops we both like. At this point she can agree to go with me, or remind me that she has a date, at which point I will tell her I am going to play cards with the guys.
I know that the order of this is important, because she is gauging my reaction. I think I know her well enough to know that her question yesterday was her way of saying: I'm not sure I want to do this please give me a good excuse not to do it.
