My wife and I were married 12.5 years ago after a short courtship. We were only married for 3 month when we were pregnant with our first child. So needless to say we had a short honeymoon. Fast forward to present day. We have 3 kids D11.5, S9.5 and D6.5. They are wonderful angels from God. we own our own home and I work for a telecom company and my wife rus a home daycare (more about that to follow).
My wife dropped the I don't love you bomb in February of this year and like most husbands of a WAW I was completely shocked. We haven't shared the same bed for a couple of years now but I always assumed that was because of my snoring. As I mentioned earlier she run home daycare and has been for over 6 years at our home and 8 years prior to that outside of the home and parttime while she was in school. Now anyone who runs their own home daycare can tell you that after a while there is a pretty high burn out rate because of the stress and constant pressure of raising someone else's kids. Not to mention the stress of never leaving your own home and the constant cleaning and house distruction. So needless to say she has been feeling burned out for some time, but has hung in until we were able to have the kids old enough to look after themselves while we are at work. She is at that point right now. Anyways the point of that story is to show that, that is the reason why I didn't question the lack of intimacy from her, don't get me wrong I knew something was wrong when I was turned away, but I always thought things would get better once the daycare was done. Then she did bomb drop in Mexico when she told me that she no longer loved me... That was made even more of a bomb because I had worked so hard to earn the trip to a 6 star resort so that we could be together and reconnect in the Maya Riviera. I was devastated, but when I got home I got councilling from our Employee Assistace Programme at work which included a copy of Micelles book DB. I knew I had to make changes and I did my 180. I started helping more around the house, spent more time with the kids and even went back to the gym and lost 30 lbs. I thought things were getting better between us until last weekend when my in-laws came to visit. Everything was great I even saw signs of warmth from my wife, that is until the in-laws left. My wife told me later after she dropped bomb 2 a written letter on Tuesday, that she was just pretending for the sake of her parents. I was devastated again. My wife had hinted to me over the past month that I was starting to fall into old habits again and I think that's what triggered the letter. It was tattered and she told me that she had been carrying it around in her purse for a while. I had pushed her about a month and a half ago to make a decision on our R, clearly something I should not have done, and I know that now after reading DR.
If I had to summarize what I learned from Michelles book is that my wife is a WAW, brought on by her "midlife crisis" which is also complicated by a mild to moderate dose of depression from her daycare hell (her words not mine). I am truly lost. I absolutely love my wife and our family, I have built my world around her and our kids and now that is in complete jeopardy, I feel like my world is ending. I can't sleep or eat, and it takes every ounce of my strength to not cry when I see her, let alone not talk about our R. I worry that my wife is one of the third group of WAWs that are just done with no chance of reconciliation, She is that determined. The only glimmer of hope I see is that she was crying when I came to talk to her after bomb 2 (I call it the letter bomb), and that she wants to part on friendly terms for the sake of the children. I told her that I would not give up until I had felt that we had truly exhausted all attempts for reconciliation (therapy). I have come to realize that she would benefit greatly by seeing a therapist (something she refuses to do). She hasen't even talked to her family about what she is going through and they have no idea what peril our marriage is in. I think she is afraid to tell them because she I worried that they will encourage her the go to single or couples therapy. In the last 1.25 years she has lost weight, joined the gym, and likes going out with her friends to the bar or parties on a regular basis (all of which was new behavior for her). Since reading DB I have encouraged her "me time" although I had initially resisted it. It took her away from me. I was jealous of her friends for taking my quality time with her. I know she is not having an EA because I can account for her time. I felt awful for even questioning it, because I do trust her.
I know that she has kept an inventory of every mistake or cruel and unfair thing (things said in the heat of an argument) I have said and done. And now that cup is full, and she has built an impenetrable shell around her. I can't remember the last time she apologized to me or admitted she was wrong about something. Like I said she has hung on to everything and now that is overclouding her memory of everything. In her mind, she has rewritten our history to say she has had no good times in our marriage. I know that is not true, but she can't see it.
She has been harboring all of my past mistakes in her heart and not letting them go, or being able to grant forgiveness. That combined with what she sees as my shortcomings (she says i'm tight with money, a slob, dont do enough around the house to help her, dont spend enough time with the kids, too sedentary and unhealthy) all things that I have made efforts to improve since February, and that's where I am at. She does have some valid points but she is also not being fair or objective either. I go to the gym on a regular basis (3 to 5 times a week), In the last 3 months I have lost close to 30lbs (which was pretty easy because I have no appetite) My doctor only 2 days ago has given me a clean bill of health, in his words I am in perfect health). I have started to make sure I help the kids with thier homework (whenever it's not done already before I get home). I make sure to clean up after myself and cook on the weekends (most workdays I don't get home in time to cook). I do the laundry when she hasn't beaten me to it, and fold and put it in every ones room to be put away (that is part of the kids own responsibilities). I look after the yard mowing grass, pulling weeds gardening etc. I fix what's broken by her daycare business, I pay the bills, I make an effort to do activities with the kids... The list goes on and on. I have never cheated on her, I don't physically abuse her or ignore her, I dont go out drinking and stay out till the late hours in bars, I have been a good provider for our family, I have worked incredibly hard at work (in a job that makes people drop like flies) to make a comfortable life (she has been to Bahamas, Dominican Republic and Mexico on company trips that I have earned for my performance) as well as to Cuba for a vacation that I paid for by working overtime. We have lived in our own home for 8 years that only has 7 years left to be paid in full on a 25 year morgage. I have made conciderable effort to make sure I have put away money for our retitement, and have a nestegg in case of unforseen hardships. I have done everything I can to make sure that she has the newest and most up to date appliances in our home to make our chores easier. I have done my best for her and our family.
I don't think she is being fair and she needs someone who can get through to her. I know that if she had some perspective she would realize how good our life really is. She needs to know that the grass isn't any greener on the other side of the fence and that it probably is dead and full of weeds.
I don't know what more I can do. Do I just need to be patient? That is brutally tough when emotionally and physically she has shut me out. Is there someone encouraging her to make the split? How would I know?
I am starving for her love and her touch...
Please someone help me... What do I do now?
............................................................................................................................................. Need to know
Me 44 W 34 W.A.W. 3K. D11 S9 D6 M 12 y T 13 y Bomb drop 02/11 2nd written bomb 06/11
Me 45 W 34 W.A.W. 3K. D11 S9 D6 M 12 y T 13 y Bomb drop 02/22/2011 2nd written bomb (Letter bomb) 05/31/2011 Affair (A bomb) revealed 07/03/2011
