My H's EA partner lived in a city some distance from ours where he sometimes went for work. After his MLC started he found it difficult to be around me and the children, and ensured he was in that city, overnight, at least 4 days of the week. This continued throughout much of the time he was having the EA.
Every night he would call and tell me what he was doing that evening. He never mentioned spending time with her, and I had no access to his (work) phone or computer. Everything I knew about their meetings and conversations came from what he somehow let slip.
At first I'd drive myself crazy wondering about odd lapses in his reports on his time, wondering whether he was communicating with her. But I realized, as you are doing, that I was bringing all that confusion and pain on myself. My focusing on them didn't help him in his journey, and in fact made it more difficult for him to see my growth, because my suspicion reduced me to a person I didn't particularly like.
Later, I discovered that I was often right: he had spent time with her on some days I'd wondered about. Finally, during one of those meetings they agreed that this was their "closure," and they would each work on their primary relationship instead of contacting each other again. Since he continued to go to that city for work (and still does), I could not have remained sane without having learned that I can only control myself.
The insight you've reached, with your D's assistance, is a real gift. I think that, until they reach a certain level of maturity, it's quite common for people having conversations to be more focused on how they can contribute ("wow, your story reminds me of something crazy that happened to me...") than on just listening to and empathizing with others. I think Al Turtle (if you care to google his website) has very interesting things to say on what selfless communication looks like.
I hope you have a wonderful time while you're out of the country, and can really enjoy your time away!
