Oh the patterns he weaves...

[MommaDucki]

I've another post here in newcomers, and several old ones from years ago....but to sum up....H and I have been separated for over two years now, H wants D (though he's been back and forth on this many times now), and has been sucked into many EAs and several PAs over the years.

I deal with all this as best I can, and in my own ways while still trying to stick to DBing ways....and last night I was re-reading the many many journals I've filled up over the past few years now, and was shocked when it all hit me....H has reoccuring patterns....I think that's why I deal with most of this rather calmly (yes, years ago, I'd scream and yell about it...these days, H and I can civally talk to each other when the need arises).

Here's what I've seen to be a trend.....H has never in his life had a serious intimate relationship with anyone (well, he and I read each other well...had a deep connection, but not the best communicators)....I don't think he's even really honest and true with himself...He over-bolsters certain qualities in himself to make himself feel better, more confident whatever....but the one thing he's too arrogant about is his bedroom skills....was never an issue with he and I....he says it's really the only part of a R he's good at and gets bored after awhile because he feels there's nothing more about him that's worth caring about. Every OW that's come in and out of his life has in his words "so many crazy personality traits that he can't even stand calling them a friend" he claims they are all conquests. When I was rereading journals, the trend I noticed was that every woman except 1 has been a married or seriously commited relationship woman who was miserable with her SO and somehow came across my H. While we were still together, there were 3 short lived EAs and no PAs (that I'm aware of anyhow). Since we've been separated, there have been (again, that I'm aware of) 4 EAs turned PA.
I'm not sure how I'm doing it, but all of this makes me laugh. H wants D...told me the other day (in almost word for word) "W, I can't stay married to you. Since we've been apart, I've changed much more than you, and the other day when you wouldn't let me use your car to go downtown to that party, i got angry....REAL anger for the first time in a long time. Being with you isn't good for me. I could take it two different ways. On one hand, W, you getting to me that badly to make me have that much anger could mean there's really more intimacy and connection between us than I care to admit. On the other hand, you just aren't good for me, which is why I want to start hammering out D stuff as soon as possible." LOLOLOL!

See? why does that make me laugh? I gave little to no reaction and didn't even give a verbal response to what he'd just told me. I just glanced at him and simply said, "we can talk later". This has generally been my response to him about D talk for quite awhile now.

Over the past couple of years, there have been several times where he's been more than able to afford filing D, and he's not done it. Every time he brings it up again and when I again won't discuss it with him is when he's started a new EA or PA, and within two weeks of that W being let go he wants to see if he and I can work on us again. I tell him that I want to, but am not sure we're quite ready for it yet. I almost feel as if he starts up these As to push me into filing for him. It honestly wouldn't surprise me, because if he can get someone to do something for him, he will...in any aspect of life really.

***on an added note: about a month after we S, we did come to an agreement to date other people and I had a short lived R with OM that lasted 5 weeks,. I chose to end it because I realized I still cared about H too much to try at another R, plus I realized I had to work on me and that's what I've been doing for the past two years. I fess up to my part in these probs too!

Am I completely insane here for wanting to try to save this marriage?