I will be a little more direct than Donna: YES, it was a mistake to send the email to H. Moreover, you knew that at the time and chose to do it anyway because you are SO DRIVEN to try to control H.
Stop it. Leave him alone. The more you try to make him see the light, the more certain he will be of his current choices.
So, if you want to SECURE THE END OF YOUR MARRIAGE, then CONTINUE YOUR CURRENT BEHAVIORS. It is YOUR CHOICE. Right now, you are pushing your M toward D very hard. Odd, as you say it isn't what you want.
