Letting go is hard to do!

[Seminolewind]

Well I have been dark on the boards for a long time. I have noticed that when I start getting a little down about the bull sh!t in my life, if I stay off the boards I start feeling a little better. I will say that I think it allows a person to think things through and lose the anxiety that gets built up when you start getting those thoughts that all is lost. I guess I go into stealth mode and catch up on all the people that I follow on here and just when I think something good might happen it seems to fall apart. That kind of shows me that the staying dark and being patient might just be in my best interest. A few things have happened, nothing as far as the W and I because I only speak to her about the girls and I do that very rarely. I am still married which I thought was going to be final a couple months ago. I am not pushing the divorce but it seems she may have just started stalling on finalizing the process. I try and not mind read but sometimes it’s difficult. I don’t really care one way or another about whether we divorce or not and I haven’t really seen any changes in her behavior. I still know I am the better option in our situation and she is the only one that can wake up and see that, so the ball is in her court!

My wife and kids went on a trip over Memorial day weekend to watch our nephew graduate. She had asked her mom if she could bring the OM on the trip. Her mom and dad both told her they didn't think that was a good idea. She got all upset and told her mom she would just go see her brother, as it turns out he also told her that they are a Christian family and didn't think that was a good idea. Well she ended up going to her parents house without the OM. I think she thought everything was going to be fine but as it turns out her and her father got in a huge fight about her priorities as a mother and her party girl life style. She told him he only listens to me and has never supported her, he instantly corrected her and said your D17 just told me how sick she was and you were too drunk to take care of her! She had to call her boyfriend over and he did it for you. I guess this escalated to them not speaking because she was in denial about everything that he said. I found out about a month or so ago that my D17 is pregnant. I can’t say that I am happy but I also know that I can’t control what another person does in life. This was also revealed to my in-laws on this trip. So looks like I will get my first grandchild in a broken home! Anyway my D12 was supposed to stay down with them to go on a camping trip with the cousins then come back home in a couple weeks. She was sick the entire time she was visiting them and told me she was home sick and was coming home with her mom and sister a day early. I didn't know about the bickering and was fine with her coming home early. After the 12 hour drive D12 was at my house within an hour, still very sick and a little cranky. I took her to the Dr. the next day and got her some antibiotics. My FIL called me to check on D12 and I told him that she was still running a fever but hopefully the medicine would get her feeling better. He said he was disappointed that his D my W didn’t take the D12 to the Dr. herself and this is the kind of thing that just proves her priorities are not in the right place. I let him vent a bit and let him know that we all make choices in life and someday she might regret the choices she has been making. He said he knows when she does come back to her senses she is going to crash hard. Well my take on it is, only time will tell!

I will add that I have not really discussed with anyone what my true feelings are about my situation. I guess this board is the only place that I have ever mentioned anything about saving my marriage. It seems like the longer the OM is in the picture the further I get pushed away. I start telling myself that my family is worth saving but really there is nothing I can do to get my W to change the direction she is headed.

As far as my GAL I have been camping with my D12 and having fun with friends. I know I must be doing something right because several women have given me their phone numbers and I have told them all the same thing, I am just not ready to date anyone. I don’t know if that will hurt me down the line but like I tell everyone I just want to have fun. A few of my friends think I am crazy for not dating and have even said that I am a better man than them but I know deep down I am doing the right thing. I am still married and I don’t really need to add that extra layer of cr*p on my plate at this time but when I do feel the time is right I will do what’s best for me and my kids. I find that it’s not really easier to detach the longer a situation unfolds but it’s more or less protection of yourself. I think a person kind of becomes hardened and I feel I will probably build walls that are easily shut at the first sign of trouble in a relationship. I figured out that other people see me as a good man and my priorities will remain to be focused on my kids.

Now my questions to the BITS! Because in my situation I have seen absolutely zero changes in attitude from my wife should I start pushing for the divorce? I know patience is the key and we have only been separated for about 8 months. She supposedly has only been in the PA for 4 months and I am not really in a hurry but I also don’t want her to think she can hold me on the line while she has her fun. Maybe I am thinking too much about all of this and maybe I need to reevaluate everything about me again. I guess everything I have read in Denver’s and Country’s situation has just made me think about different options of how to move on with my life. Lately I have been wondering if I am even interested in trying to start a new R with my W. Sometimes I just don’t know what I want anymore. Maybe the cobwebs just build up and I need to do some spring cleaning, maybe others have hit this point and I just need another kick to keep me focused on me and my values. I just don’t know!