I actually don't plan on talking myself out of making contact on her bday. I think it's important to recognize the date in some way. We are going to be co-parents and likely co-grandparents for the rest of our lives. Ignoring the day entirely just doesn't seem productive.
The trick is going to be to figure out the right way. To extend an olive branch of sorts without it feeling like I am expecting anything in return or have alterior motives.
Trying to focus on work now and ignore that itch in my brain to contact....
My W's b-day is in 7 days. I have no "plan" to contact her or do anything "for" her.
I am doing this NOT because I'm angry with her or trying to make a point. It is because that is pretty much me. I don't give my bff's gifts or cards and generally I do not make contact with them intentionally. I simply acknowledge it in the moment, if the opportunity arises.
So IF there is contact with my W on her b-day, I will probably offer b-day wishes. But I'm not planning on anything.
If she was simply someone you know, a co-worker or acquaintance, what would you do? Because that's all she is right now. Would you even know that it's her b-day?
BTM: I didnt contact her at all on her bday. No Happy Birthday, nothing. Now, I had the advantage that my sons were young enough that the gifts she received she knew I was behind them. So i didnt wish her anything but the thoughts were there.
She texted me at 12:01 on my bday 2 days later. I didnt respond to that.
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BITS M-46 W-42 M-16y T-19 y s10 s15 BombDec.19/09 Sep-F16/10 Sep Papers signed by W- June 30/10 Recon July 5/10 PA foundOut- Oct 30/10 Mental HospNov/10 moved out Nov/10 Leg Sep Mar 15/11
My H has a bday this month I will acknowledge it because I care about him. Will I go overboard? No. I will give him a card that makes no reference to our R or has nasty jibes about his age, and a small impersonal gift.
I care - he does not. I've accepted that. It costs me nothing to be kind. What I do really doesn't matter a whole lot because his issues are about what's going on inside of him and how he feels about himself.
Just the way I've come to see things.
BITS Me-51, WAS-52 Kids 2 M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013 Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice. Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
STBX brought S17 home from work tonight. Of course, she didn't come in to say "hi" or anything. It bothered me for a moment. I like to feel like I am controlling the dark and not her. I know..I know...I haven't detached as long as I think that way. Just being honest in this safe place.
S17 played some of his rapping for me tonight for the first time. It's actually pretty good. More importantly, it's a great outlet for him and a good hobby. Being honest again - I like knowing that I have heard it and he has not played it for STBX. I think she gave up and awful lot to be with OM. Choices. We all make them.
I was speaking former employee of STBX and OM/Boss while at work today. I told him that I am feeling relieved now that my 8 year battle for STBX is over, even though I suppose I lost that battle. After I said it, I realized he likely would repeat that to STBX later in the day since he was going to go visit her and his former co-workers. That might have been a mistake.
Congrats on the going dark but try not to say too much about this that makes you look weak. That wasnt too bad but saying you lost the battle might not have been the best choice of words.
Just try and seem upbeat and positve, especially around her friends and coworkers. If they have to report anything back to her make them say things like:
" Just bumped in to BTM and he looks great and happy. "
Let her wonder and feel that you have really moved on.
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BITS M-46 W-42 M-16y T-19 y s10 s15 BombDec.19/09 Sep-F16/10 Sep Papers signed by W- June 30/10 Recon July 5/10 PA foundOut- Oct 30/10 Mental HospNov/10 moved out Nov/10 Leg Sep Mar 15/11
Other than that one comment, I did well. It was a busy day at the dealership, so I was upbeat and smiling. I suppose she might see the "battle is over" as me having moved on and not battling for her anymore. Or she just might not give a flying rats butt!
Other than that one comment, I did well. It was a busy day at the dealership, so I was upbeat and smiling. I suppose she might see the "battle is over" as me having moved on and not battling for her anymore. Or she just might not give a flying rats butt!
Yes I hear you here. I have stopped fighting for my H. and our marriage too. Perhaps he'll care, perhaps not. Regardless I have a life to live with or without him. You do too.
It's sad, I hate what's happened, but I can't change any of it. I just hope he's learned something from dumping me, and doesn't do the same to some other lovely woman.
The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ, Moves on: nor all your Piety nor Wit Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line, Nor all your Tears wash out a Word of it
-- Omar Khayyam
BITS Me-51, WAS-52 Kids 2 M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013 Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice. Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
