Sorry your thread is locked, hope you find this. I couldn't really give my all on your post because I have been extremely busy at work.
You asked a question that struck me about the no contact detachment. You asked Do I contact her?
"Most of the advice has been to cut off contact. Detach.
Where is that going to get me?"
I want you to understand that this gift of time and no contact is actually more involved than just YOU. It's for her as well. Your changes as long as they are for you will not go unnoticed by her. BUT she needs to feel the reality of your loss and if what the new you was showing is real. (7-8 years vs 6 months?)
Excuse the bluntness, but you literally caught her with her pants down. She is so F'n angry right now and full of entitlement just like YOU. I hope you understand that.
IF you decide to contact her right now, there are a few consequences you need to EXPECT, not saying they will happen, but you need to know.
One, she will do ANYTHING to alleviate her guilt. Including trying to draw out the old you where you react badly. She will try to get you to justify her actions for her poor decisions. She will also try to massage your ego with any means necessary to see if she can GO BACK to cake eating. S*cks, but it's true. Be on guard.
Two, she's addicted man! She likes the OM and what he brings. Chances are she sees you and your changes and is scared to F'n death that it's real. So she might run back to him to get her "high" and "escape".
Three, you know where you stand. YOU issued a boundary and like it or not you have to follow through. Believe it or not, but what you will cycle thru the next few days to months will play mind games on yourself. Women like MEN who stand up for themselves. YOU can feel and think whatever you want, but a man in control of their decisions and boundary is ATTRACTIVE. Live the boundary. If she just keeps blowing you up. Text her what 2step said, stating "you need time"; back away. Don't be woe woe woe is me; state what you want clearly and you will let her know. SHE KNOWS your mad bro. She does. She also knows SHE F'd up.
Fourth, Only you can ask yourself this. What do I want? what is my non negotiable unalterable term? If I was to save my Marriage, what do I want and how will I be different for the rest of my life? Once you can answer this, then live it and don't hesitate.
Why no contact? Because you do owe it to her to let her figure her own actions out for herself and LET her tell you what she wants. You meet your half of the Marriage obligation and she owns hers. How is this accomplished? TIME. 90 days Denver. Keep posting here...DO NOT RESPOND TO HER. She needs the space just as much as you do even if she keeps contacting you.
Oh, and dating? You? Your not ready yet. You're too hurt.
Thanks Gnosis from my POV. I admire you and always have. Your words mean something to me, but me is me. Denver is Denver. Nice to know that someone hears what someone else is saying, I'm going to bump this again, so others see it and feel what WE have/will feel. That's whats great about this site.
Hope all learn from this. Denver this was to you, but Man, SO MANY others need to see this too.
Denver - NineLives, LearningPatience and I have a 3 man "no contact pact". I welcome you to join it. All four of us need to stay away from our STBX/WAW and all of us having trouble doing so. Answering to others just might help you.
Rigth now, no contact is what we all need. We may not see it all the time, but it's true. And when we can't see it, that's when we need each others support.
I think we are going to need the extra support or challenge, whatever you want to call it.
I sense that some are weakening. We can only respond to their contact if involves the children or something legal or official.
I think those are fair groundrules. I know it sounds like a game, but in some ways ; it is. One that we have to play better if we hope to GAL.
Welcome aboard Denver.
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BITS M-46 W-42 M-16y T-19 y s10 s15 BombDec.19/09 Sep-F16/10 Sep Papers signed by W- June 30/10 Recon July 5/10 PA foundOut- Oct 30/10 Mental HospNov/10 moved out Nov/10 Leg Sep Mar 15/11
I sense that some are weakening. We can only respond to their contact if involves the children or something legal or official.
I think those are fair groundrules. I know it sounds like a game, but in some ways ; it is. One that we have to play better if we hope to GAL.
Just read something an hour or two ago about 'playing by the rules'. We LBSs tend to try to play nicely whereas the WAS throw all the rules out and play however they want. That's one of the reasons they are WAS in the first place.
Not saying we have to play dirty, but we have to play tough and realize the 'other team' will disrespect the rules in place.
Me 43 W 38 M 5 T 7 SD20 S15, S13 with 1st W ILYBNILWY June 2010 Separation/Bomb July 2010 Divorce Feb 8, 2011
Just read something an hour or two ago about 'playing by the rules'. We LBSs tend to try to play nicely whereas the WAS throw all the rules out and play however they want. That's one of the reasons they are WAS in the first place.
Not saying we have to play dirty, but we have to play tough and realize the 'other team' will disrespect the rules in place.
Why do you think that is? Really? it's not a hard question.
Maybe because for years, many years the LBS didn't play by the rules in the marriage. WAS aren't walking because they don't play by the rules. They are walking because WE DIDN'T play by the rules. We, the LBS, played DIRTY for years in our own little ways.
Many still don't play by the rules even with DB. God knows I'm as guilty as he next spouse.
Some once said on here, that it's rare for someone to leave a good solid, functioning relationship. They just don't.
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet. --Jean Jacques Rousseau.
FaithAk is giving you some solid advice and I know you will read this post if you have not already.
My guess is that she will text then she will call then she will call again. When you do not respond she will become furious but will continue to call.
A few reasons for this:
1. She feels justified in her actions 2. She wants to bait you 3. She wants to temp check you 4. She wants to re-establish control
And finally the biggest one
5. Fear
Fear of losing control Fear of losing you Fear that your changes are real and she blew it Fear that you meant what you said
Now the fear you run is that if you are not done and she go dark it will only reinforce her reason for leaving. What changes have you made if your behaviour is the same as before right?
Don't fear this. Your reaction to finding OM in the house is a clear indication that you are not the same.
Your calmness when she attacked you is a clear indication that you are not the same.
She knows this
If the calls continue simple reply will do
"I need time and space right now"
"I am not ready to talk to you at the moment"
"I am sorting through how I feel at the moment"
Or any combination of the three. Any more is to much any less is not enough.
You fear that she will just throw her hands up in the air and say "screw it" but it is not in going dark that's going to make her think. It is in the way you do it.
The exit strategy is just as important as the goal itself.
Any of those statements does not indicate that you are ready to tell her to go f off. They all leave her wondering what is going on and what is going to happen.
That is good because it is then that she will be forced to look in the mirror and think.
If you slam the door in her face she is justified.
She was right (in her mind) and it will take her longer to realize that she blew it.
After you have made your statement then you go and take the time you need. AS LONG as YOU need it.
Her initial contact with you will be over little unimportant things. Of that I am sure. Then when she gets no response she will become irrate. Let her!!!!
If you operate out of fear you will lose not only your self respect but your chance to save this thing if you even want to.
I see where you are coming from Harrier. My point/thought on this as I typed it was the whole infidelity, cake-eating, walking away before trying everything aspect. I still feel the fidelity 'rules' apply.
But did I play nicely? No, I didn't. I had passive-aggressive tendencies, a bit of a martyr complex, low self-esteem and a whole host of other issues I dumped onto my W's lap. I started falling for someone else in the middle of W's R with OM (trust me, it didn't help:) I think one of the reasons we matched up so well is because we were both flawed in many of the same ways!
I might not completely agree to this interpretation of 'rules', but I do understand it and see your side. In either case, I need to go out there and play with honour, no matter what the other team does!
Me 43 W 38 M 5 T 7 SD20 S15, S13 with 1st W ILYBNILWY June 2010 Separation/Bomb July 2010 Divorce Feb 8, 2011
