I'm sitting here practically having a panic attack because... my husband has used the word codependent to describe what he has been in our marriage. I never really knew what it meant. I just did some research, and it really does describe him. He was always so giving, and never complained. I was blind to it. He just seemed to be an easy going guy. But now I think he got to a point where he decided he was done, and then the pendulum swung the other way. I thought I was loving him, but when I look back, he really did most of the giving. In reading this, I feel horrible, A light bulb went on in my head. I read that this problem can be overcome in a marriage, but as I have said before, he says he's done. The divorce has been filed. I am trying so hard not to call him and discuss this. I feel horrible, like I want to apologize and tell him I understand now what he has been feeling. But I won't. But gosh, it sounds like all the things he has been saying. He either read about this or someone else told him about it. I feel so horrible. This has been so confusing, because I have been trying so hard to fix myself and it hasn't worked. But I believe the problem is deep seated resentment. Any suggestions? I don't know what to do with this new (to me) info. 25yearsmlc, I read the article. It really was great. I wish I had handled things like she did.
M50 H49 M 27 years D24, S21 Bomb 7/10 SEP 12/10 H files 5/11
Praying Hard for restoration! With God all things are possible!
One person is not co-dependent. It is the dynamic between two people, the relationship. Which means that there will be issues that you carry, as well.
That is what you need to focus on. There are many good books out on the subject - a good place to start is "Co-Dependent No More." I have some other titles I can look for that have been recommended to me....
Do NOT call him. Do NOT discuss this with him. I know that it is what you have always done, come to depend on (do you see the wording I just used?). You have to do something different right now, even if it feels wrong and unnatural. You are going to have to take care of yourself right now, and going forward.
Don't focus on his feelings, his resentment, his journey or reactions. If he did read it, it is part of his journey and not something for you to be concerned about. You can't climb into his head, no matter how much you want to, or how convinced you are that you had that ability in the past (you didn't).
What kind of person do you want to be FOR YOURSELF? What will you need to do to address your own co-dependence, if that is an issue? I can tell you that denial is a powerful, often-used coping mechanism. In my case, it kept me alive and able to grow and function as a child, but wasn't effective or helpful as an adult.
You have to concentrate now on how to live a good life, develop your own skills and strengths. It is not about saving the marriage, but saving yourself. In the process, the marriage might survive, as well. THAT CAN NOT BE YOUR ULTIMATE GOAL. You have to make this change of heart internally. I know you said you come here to vent, you don't say those things to your H in your conversations. Believe me, you don't have to say it out loud - your mannerisms, the times you "slip," the tension in the air, the way you hold yourself, your energy - all of it is being picked up by your H, even if only subconsciously. You have to change the focus within yourself. Know, deep in your heart and soul, that you will be ok, no matter what happens.
Your husband is not responsible for you or your happiness. And if that sentence doesn't sit well with you, there is a good indication that you have some codependence going on.
I was praying about this situation and I felt led to apologize to my husband. I did not want to call, so I sent him an email telling him how I researched codependency and saw what he was talking about. And that he really did give way more than I did and that I am so sorry. I said I didn't need a response. I just wanted him to know how sorry I am.
Was that bad? Was that pursuing? Sometimes I feel, as a Christian, the urge to say certain things when my heart tells me to. I know that sending the email felt right. I just hope it was.
M50 H49 M 27 years D24, S21 Bomb 7/10 SEP 12/10 H files 5/11
Praying Hard for restoration! With God all things are possible!
It's ok....it's done and out there. Leave it be, now.
You will need to get in control of your heart and your urges while you go through this.
If you look at your H, you can see that he is making decisions according to HIS feelings, emotions and urgings. Does it seem like a smart path to you?
Well, it's not a good one for you to necessarily follow, either.
Journal - get it out in a book. Write letters and toss them.
Let him be and get the focus on YOU.
Instead of words, change your actions. And change them for YOURSELF, not because you hope that he will notice.
I'm going to turn in - remember to take care of you while you go through this. Eat something healthy. Get enough sleep (you may need a sleeping aide if it is a problem - you can't think straight if sleep-deprived). Exercise. Do something that is NOT focused on your marriage or relationship, like a hobby or volunteer thing. Is there anything that you have put off, a passion that you have put on the back-burner over the years? Dust those old dreams off and see if you can make one of them come true.
Rediscover yourself, and you will be more like the person who your husband found attractive long ago.
don't have a panic attack b/c you learned something about yourself. Be glad. This isn't as long as it looks b/c it has some of your words quoted...but it is long.
I just reviewed a few of your recent posts.
And fear is a driving force in your modus operandi. Let's Knock that off. Let's look at your wording b/c even if you don't say these things to your h, you are thinking them. And that usually radiates outward. And your kids probably see it too. Where do your kids live vis a vis you?
Okay so here we go...
You wrote "the challenge is, to "fight" by being patient and calm. Kind of a contradiction."
Don't over think this. Learn to be patient and calm, or lose your h. And maybe lose words like "Fight" if they confuse you.
Fact is, you don't feel or act calm or patient and you have to be.
Also Your time line is unrealistic. You seem to think that over night or in a few weeks, all should be turned around. Not so. He'll need much more time. Yoyu can have an internal timeline, like the woman in the article. I didn't need one in the sense that I felt I had moved on but not locked the door. If my h caught up with me later on, so be it. We'd cross that bridge if and when we came to it.
I know your h is filing. Have you seen a L to figure out the time line you have? Sorry I don't recall.
You also said " it is really hard to "live in both worlds- the world of fighting for your marriage, and the world of moving on without him"
But in your situation, I think they are the same thing.You can move on without him, AND without doing anything irrevocable AND it might be exactly what you need to do to save your m. I think you have to. He needs to be let go to his "task".
More of your words--
And aren't we all trying to "get" our spouses to do something...come back into the relationship? Otherwise, why did we buy the book? We are trying to "divorce bust". But just because I desire something from my husband, doesn't mean I am trying to force something, or that I am not trying to show him respect. I want to restore my marriage the RIGHT way. Because obviously I wasn't doing it right the other way.
Wow, NO, we are not all trying to get our spouses to do something...NO. [/color] I let go of my h. I left him to his "task" b/c he was hell bent on it anyhow, and who was I to say he could not? He really felt he "needed" to go there and nothing I had done or said before, helped at all.
Then, I changed MY LIFE, and eventually I made plans for a life, ( a happy one), without h. Can you imagine a life without your h, that is also happy? What would it look like?
I planned for my daughters to stay with me here for the 2 years needed for high school graduation, and was then getting a new job, with the idea of an overseas 1 year job in Italy, for the adventure of it.
I GAL and became happy again. & Really independent, and a bit mysterious. When h called or texted, i Called h back when....I felt like it...not every time either. So when h wanted back in, I hesitated! I was not sure what I wanted then b/c I was happy with my new routine and my girls were happy enough, and we were fine enough without him, and stable. We missed him and the girls missed him but I did NOT NEED HIM TO BE HAPPY.
I honestly believed that if we divorced, He would lose more than I would. I'm sure I radiated that. And he picked up on it. And began to feel it too. I'm not talking about money btw. But we'd both survive. Neither of us would be on the street.
When we lived together again, We had to "piece" a lot before fully restoring our marriage so NO, I WAS NOT trying to get him to come back at that point
and it probably shook him up. (Sure, when the bomb first landed, Yes I DID want him back, and was incredulous, and angry at first, PRE DBing...but once I "got it", I got it.
I didn't have the capacity for long term misery that some people on these boards have. I had a realistic time frame of 2 years b/c my d was graduating then, so I needed to stay in one place for that time anyhow...but I was moving on internally, as can you. So I didn't feel I was waiting or putting my life on hold, as I did at the start. I didn't "need" to file to feel I was moving on. But I knew I might have to move to a smaller house or townhouse. I was alright with that. Not great but it was acceptable.
You're very bothered by having to sell the house your grown kids lived in and I get that but i also think it's possible you'd have to sell it anyhow. Don't you want to downsize sometime? Try to look at whatever silver linings there are. It helps.
As for apologizing, have you ever truly apologized to him (without the word "but" in it?) And Without adding in what HE did that "made" you do something?
IF not, run that idea by your DB coach. A one time apology for past mistakes isn't unheard of. You have to validate their legit issues that you agree with, and you own them so he knows you get it, and you stay in the present from then on.
And don't expect a grand apology from him anytime soon, btw. He feels justified in leaving. He feels he must do this. He's trying to save himself. Sounds as if you think there's at least some validty to his reasons. As painful as you find that, it really IS good news b/c you now know a specific thing to work on that would make a difference to him. That's empowering.
If he files and it goes through but he sees real change in you, that matters! It's not all for naught b/c remember, your changes are NOT TACTICS to get him back, but to become the woman you were meant to become.
And a lot of divorced couples end up remarrying their ex's, anyhow. I have 2 family members who did, and they said the 2nd time around was better. It happens, but in both cases it took years for them to reconcile.
One last thing, expect nothing from your h if/when you say this. Even if he notices the changes in you, the first inclination of his will be to say nothing and then the 2nd one will be to offset it with disbelief that it'll last and then, he'll say it's too little too late. That's standard b/c that's how they feel. You could thank him for helping you improve your life but its too soon for that now. As for the article, it's NOT too late to take her approach. Have an awakening and live it.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Read my last post before this one. I don't know what that ^^^ means...
I was praying about this situation and I felt led to apologize to my husband. I did not want to call, so I sent him an email telling him how I researched codependency and saw what he was talking about. And that he really did give way more than I did and that I am so sorry. I said I didn't need a response. I just wanted him to know how sorry I am.
Was that bad? Was that pursuing? Sometimes I feel, as a Christian, the urge to say certain things when my heart tells me to. I know that sending the email felt right. I just hope it was.
It's not "wrong" to apologize. But it's unhealthy to be so impulsive after this many people have told you not to pursue, or make ANY decisions without reflection. Then you go ahead and use the excuse that you were "lead" by God, to send an email to him then and there, about CO-DEPENDENCY and flaws, and you probably see no irony in that. It IS pursuit imo. Mainly b/c you were so desparate for a reason to contact him.
Any new self discovery you make, isn't really valid the first 4 hours it exists. I mean, do you see how unreflective that looks? It's impulsive. That's something to work on bc it's NOT calm and it's NOT patient. Those are things to work on.
Don't spend time regretting it now. Move forward. You've apologized for past errors so now, live in the present "from this day forward."
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
For me, I found the "drop the rope" analogy most useful. Right now he's tugging on the "divorce rope" and you are tugging back. In the game of tug-o-war, the harder you pull on your end, the harder he pulls on his. But if you just drop your end of the rope while he's pulling - he'll fall over! If you stop resisting him so much, it will take the focus off of you and he'll have to think more about what he's doing. And if you look like you've made a lot of positive changes to yourself and are living an interesting fun life, he'll be more likely to come back. (And if he doesn't, heck - now you've made positive changes and are living an interesting fun life!!!)
Just know that I have NEVER seen anyone here guilt or argue a spouse into coming back into the marriage. It doesn't work.
I will be a little more direct than Donna: YES, it was a mistake to send the email to H. Moreover, you knew that at the time and chose to do it anyway because you are SO DRIVEN to try to control H.
Stop it. Leave him alone. The more you try to make him see the light, the more certain he will be of his current choices.
So, if you want to SECURE THE END OF YOUR MARRIAGE, then CONTINUE YOUR CURRENT BEHAVIORS. It is YOUR CHOICE. Right now, you are pushing your M toward D very hard. Odd, as you say it isn't what you want.
