Dark Side of the Moon

[LearningPatience]

Wow, I can't believe I was able to bend in a way that got my head stuck rectally like that Of course, you're all absolutely correct, enjoy the show with a friend.

I'll tell you the reason I even thought of mailing the ticket back to W was because I didn't want to make her mad or give her ammunition against me. Oh no, things might get worse! Temporary amnesia (I hope). I ordered No More Mr Nice Guy from the library yesterday, guess I should have ordered it sooner.

One thing I *am* trying to fix in myself is the whole scorekeeping thing, but I do seem to remember that W didn't want me to go to her adoptive family's house for xmas last year. Wont do tit for tat, but will decide who I spend my free time with.

[LearningPatience]

Lite journaling:
Woke up in the middle of the night for a bit. I've been pretty good at falling back to sleep lately, but thoughts of W drifted in and kept me awake. Read for a bit and I was able to fall back asleep, but only got about 5 hours total.

For a little while this morning, I was angry. Angry at the whole sitch and my W for doing what she's done. I probably shouldn't be reading infidelity forums on 5 hours sleep. Funny, but the thing that snapped me out of it this morning was planting an earworm on ninelives' thread (sorry).

One thought I had yesterday was that I hope my SD doesn't think I will shut her out like I am for her mom. I don't want to sound or even look like I'm fishing for info, I don't want to discuss her mom, I just want to keep her in my life if I can. I took a pic of S14 playing my guitar yesterday, think I'll text it to her later this morning. She'd like that.

[~ kd ~]

LP, I redoubled my efforts to build my relationship with my D13 (adopted from W's prior R / common-law).

Had a conversation that was a bit of a confrontation, because D13 was "pushing" me away. The end result was that we had an awesome heart to heart directly about the issue of the R D13 and I have and could loose, and that I'd never want to loose her. She simply said to me "you will never loose me..." And we both broke down in tears and hugged for about 5 minutes.

I think that was a turning point for us.

There's a million ways to do ONE thing. Figure out about half a dozen of those ways to strengthen your R with your D19. It will go a long, long, long way for both of you.

[LearningPatience]

(deep breaths)

I was just reminded on why I'm going as dark as possible for my own sanity. W and I have a joint acct that we are paying into to pay off a cc. We each get paid on alternate weeks, and I've been paying the cc each Friday.

Logged into account and see that W used the joint card at a place three hours away that friend of OM has a cabin. Did NOT need to see or know that she was up north on Memorial Day. Ugh!

She realized what she had done and transferred the money from her personal account, but still, I did NOT need any reminders of her and OM. Just seeing that probably raised my blood pressure 20 points.

Time to go for a walk. At least my MIL and SD responded that they like the picture of my S14.

[LearningPatience]

Geez, doesn't the world know I'm already stressed out to my limits?!

Walk was nice for lunch, but what I realized is that I'm falling into the same patterns and thoughts as last year, when I realized that the depression was getting to me. I'm having a really hard time concentrating and just sitting there staring into space. Hard to force myself to do anything. Called my psychiatrist and he agreed to increase the dose of my AD. Should have on my last visit but talked myself out of it. I hope this helps.

Just found out my brother and fiance's 'new' car, a 98 Dodge Neon, just had the wheel fall off on their way home. They got it two weeks ago from a mechanic. After fiance told me the other things that have gone wrong over those two weeks, I wanted to go all Hulk smashy on the mechanic! They live in BFE UP of Michigan about 20 minutes from his job and any 'civilization', so a car is vital. Brother really is one of those people who is going to get preyed on by any and everyone in life, and I can't fight all his battles for him. SO frustrating!

(more deep breaths)

OK, just when I was done venting...email from S14s biology teacher. He was acting up in class again. Maybe I *will* go all Hulk smashy on something.

(really freaking deep breaths)

Times like this I wish I was religious so that I could ask a God, any God, for strength. I'll settle for Loki!

[BeTheMan]

Hey Learning - I stopped by just to say we made it through another day of dark. Just that.

[LearningPatience]

Excellent! We gotta take all the positives we can get.

[LearningPatience]

Sunday morning at 8, why am I awake? Oh well...

Went for a run Friday night and met up with friends after, helped calm me down a lot.

Saturday was a pretty good day. Had my boys all day, went to a chili cook-off/fundraiser downtown. S14 and I enjoyed it, S12 is too picky for his own good. Hung around the apartment mostly and relaxed with them. After they left, met friends at a downtown bar to watch hockey.

Bar was packed due to cook-off and baseball game. At one point, a friend yelled out my W's name (it's very common) and I think my heart skipped several beats. Turns out he was greeting the bartender. I think I have PTSD or something! Lots of attractive women at the bar, got a few smiles and looks (I think).

Another friends' fiance was having a bachelorette party that my W was invited to. I left the bar after the hockey game and went home. Everyone else met up with the party at another bar, and one friend kept texting me how wild and crazy it was. Told him I was happy for him. I don't know if W was there or not, don't really want to know. Just hearing her name, seeing pictures, etc tenses me up. I know I wouldn't have been able to handle seeing her there.

I have absolutely no plans for the day. Have a few small things I should do, but nothing to occupy a whole (or even significant part of a) day. Times like this I really have to work on those GAL skills.

[ninelives]

You navigated those situations well and avoided a confrontation with your W when you are clearly not ready for it. That was smart.
Why be drawn in with more pain. I driving by her house now like the plague. Even if take an extra 10 minutes to backtract. It just helps me alleviate any undue pain.

I once thought that I have to confront this head on , and I will again, but when I am stronger and ready.

Staying dark seems to help alot. Keep doing what you are doing.

And if you are caught up with all your chores around your place, Well done. I have a full day of laundry, pool prep, general clean up of my deck . Etc......

Keeps me busy but sometimes overwhelms. I hate folding laundry but am getting better at it.

9

[LearningPatience]

I was always the one who either didn't mind or actually liked doing the chores. Now, I have the tiny apartment that takes no time to keep up, and W (who wanted more freedom) has the house, animals, yard, etc. Funny how life works sometimes.

My closest friends know that I need to avoid W, but of course they don't understand just how much it affects me. I will say, though, that the last several group emails for meetups, etc have not included W or OM on them. My friends are still friends with them, but don't have much respect for them.

OK, maybe an early morning run will help.