I need fast advice!

[25yearsmlc]

don't have a panic attack b/c you learned something about yourself.
Be glad.
This isn't as long as it looks b/c it has some of your words quoted...but it is long.

I just reviewed a few of your recent posts.

And fear is a driving force in your modus operandi. Let's Knock that off. Let's look at your wording b/c even if you don't say these things to your h, you are thinking them. And that usually radiates outward. And your kids probably see it too. Where do your kids live vis a vis you?

Okay so here we go...

You wrote "the challenge is, to "fight" by being patient and calm. Kind of a contradiction."

Don't over think this. Learn to be patient and calm, or lose your h.
And maybe lose words like "Fight" if they confuse you.

Fact is, you don't feel or act calm or patient and you have to be.

Also Your time line is unrealistic. You seem to think that over night or in a few weeks, all should be turned around. Not so. He'll need much more time. Yoyu can have an internal timeline, like the woman in the article. I didn't need one in the sense that I felt I had moved on but not locked the door. If my h caught up with me later on, so be it. We'd cross that bridge if and when we came to it.

I know your h is filing. Have you seen a L to figure out the time line you have? Sorry I don't recall.

You also said " it is really hard to "live in both worlds- the world of fighting for your marriage, and the world of moving on without him"

But in your situation, I think they are the same thing. You can move on without him, AND without doing anything irrevocable AND it might be exactly what you need to do to save your m. I think you have to. He needs to be let go to his "task".

More of your words--

And aren't we all trying to "get" our spouses to do something...come back into the relationship? Otherwise, why did we buy the book? We are trying to "divorce bust". But just because I desire something from my husband, doesn't mean I am trying to force something, or that I am not trying to show him respect. I want to restore my marriage the RIGHT way. Because obviously I wasn't doing it right the other way.

Wow, NO, we are not all trying to get our spouses to do something...NO.
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I let go of my h. I left him to his "task" b/c he was hell bent on it anyhow, and who was I to say he could not? He really felt he "needed" to go there and nothing I had done or said before, helped at all.

Then, I changed MY LIFE, and eventually I made plans for a life, ( a happy one), without h. Can you imagine a life without your h, that is also happy? What would it look like?

I planned for my daughters to stay with me here for the 2 years needed for high school graduation, and was then getting a new job, with the idea of an overseas 1 year job in Italy, for the adventure of it.

I GAL and became happy again. & Really independent, and a bit mysterious. When h called or texted, i Called h back when....I felt like it...not every time either.

So when h wanted back in, I hesitated! I was not sure what I wanted then b/c I was happy with my new routine and my girls were happy enough, and we were fine enough without him, and stable. We missed him and the girls missed him but I did NOT NEED HIM TO BE HAPPY.

I honestly believed that if we divorced, He would lose more than I would. I'm sure I radiated that. And he picked up on it. And began to feel it too. I'm not talking about money btw. But we'd both survive. Neither of us would be on the street.

When we lived together again, We had to "piece" a lot before fully restoring our marriage so NO, I WAS NOT trying to get him to come back at that point

and it probably shook him up. (Sure, when the bomb first landed, Yes I DID want him back, and was incredulous, and angry at first, PRE DBing...but once I "got it", I got it.

I didn't have the capacity for long term misery that some people on these boards have. I had a realistic time frame of 2 years b/c my d was graduating then, so I needed to stay in one place for that time anyhow...but I was moving on internally, as can you.
So I didn't feel I was waiting or putting my life on hold, as I did at the start.
I didn't "need" to file to feel I was moving on. But I knew I might have to move to a smaller house or townhouse. I was alright with that. Not great but it was acceptable.

You're very bothered by having to sell the house your grown kids lived in and I get that but i also think it's possible you'd have to sell it anyhow. Don't you want to downsize sometime? Try to look at whatever silver linings there are. It helps.

As for apologizing, have you ever truly apologized to him (without the word "but" in it?) And Without adding in what HE did that "made" you do something?

IF not, run that idea by your DB coach. A one time apology for past mistakes isn't unheard of. You have to validate their legit issues that you agree with, and you own them so he knows you get it, and you stay in the present from then on.

And don't expect a grand apology from him anytime soon, btw. He feels justified in leaving. He feels he must do this. He's trying to save himself.

Sounds as if you think there's at least some validty to his reasons. As painful as you find that, it really IS good news b/c you now know a specific thing to work on that would make a difference to him. That's empowering.

If he files and it goes through but he sees real change in you, that matters!
It's not all for naught b/c remember, your changes are NOT TACTICS to get him back, but to become the woman you were meant to become.

And a lot of divorced couples end up remarrying their ex's, anyhow. I have 2 family members who did, and they said the 2nd time around was better. It happens, but in both cases it took years for them to reconcile.

One last thing, expect nothing from your h if/when you say this. Even if he notices the changes in you, the first inclination of his will be to say nothing and then the 2nd one will be to offset it with disbelief that it'll last and then, he'll say it's too little too late. That's standard b/c that's how they feel. You could thank him for helping you improve your life but its too soon for that now.

As for the article, it's NOT too late to take her approach. Have an awakening and live it.