Sorry your thread is locked, hope you find this. I couldn't really give my all on your post because I have been extremely busy at work.
You asked a question that struck me about the no contact detachment. You asked Do I contact her?
"Most of the advice has been to cut off contact. Detach.
Where is that going to get me?"
I want you to understand that this gift of time and no contact is actually more involved than just YOU. It's for her as well. Your changes as long as they are for you will not go unnoticed by her. BUT she needs to feel the reality of your loss and if what the new you was showing is real. (7-8 years vs 6 months?)
Excuse the bluntness, but you literally caught her with her pants down. She is so F'n angry right now and full of entitlement just like YOU. I hope you understand that.
IF you decide to contact her right now, there are a few consequences you need to EXPECT, not saying they will happen, but you need to know.
One, she will do ANYTHING to alleviate her guilt. Including trying to draw out the old you where you react badly. She will try to get you to justify her actions for her poor decisions. She will also try to massage your ego with any means necessary to see if she can GO BACK to cake eating. S*cks, but it's true. Be on guard.
Two, she's addicted man! She likes the OM and what he brings. Chances are she sees you and your changes and is scared to F'n death that it's real. So she might run back to him to get her "high" and "escape".
Three, you know where you stand. YOU issued a boundary and like it or not you have to follow through. Believe it or not, but what you will cycle thru the next few days to months will play mind games on yourself. Women like MEN who stand up for themselves. YOU can feel and think whatever you want, but a man in control of their decisions and boundary is ATTRACTIVE. Live the boundary. If she just keeps blowing you up. Text her what 2step said, stating "you need time"; back away. Don't be woe woe woe is me; state what you want clearly and you will let her know. SHE KNOWS your mad bro. She does. She also knows SHE F'd up.
Fourth, Only you can ask yourself this. What do I want? what is my non negotiable unalterable term? If I was to save my Marriage, what do I want and how will I be different for the rest of my life? Once you can answer this, then live it and don't hesitate.
Why no contact? Because you do owe it to her to let her figure her own actions out for herself and LET her tell you what she wants. You meet your half of the Marriage obligation and she owns hers. How is this accomplished? TIME. 90 days Denver. Keep posting here...DO NOT RESPOND TO HER. She needs the space just as much as you do even if she keeps contacting you.
Oh, and dating? You? Your not ready yet. You're too hurt.
