So still the distance. I dont know whats suddenly going on with him - other than seeing the kids for a bit every couple of days he's barely spoken to me. He's not rude or anything just seems like a completely different person. Scares me. Tomorrow he goes on a business trip for 8 days - will be the longest we haven't seen each other since he went on the same business trip last year. I haven't really been texting or emailing him at all lately since he seems so off to me, so I guess I will just continue to do that while he is away. I am dreading the week alone with the kids though - I don't get much help but its better than no help. And my little guy isn't feeling well. I so can't afford to take any more time off work frown So I did screw up tonight - I asked him if I did something to tick him off (if I did I'd be shocked), he said 'not at all'. I said 'well you've barely said two words to me in two weeks' - he said 'Just not feeling like talking. I'm sorry. Its not you'. I know I shouldnt have said anything, but things were going soooo well (other than the whole 'our marriage is over thing'). I don't know what to think. This distance is really making me think he's about to do something drastic, but is too scared to tell me frown I really just wish he would talk to me. Honestly if he thinks he is so unhappy in our relationship but doesnt want to talk about it or work on it then it really scares me about what my or his future looks like. If we can't make this relationship work, then I feel doomed to make any other relationship work (and then I start my downward spiral thinking about being alone forever). We really do have a good relationship deep down - and I know we could be happy together. I think he just needs to learn to be happy in general. With or without me - I don't think he would be happy right now no matter what. And i wish he would take a look at himself first before he throws away something as precious as his family. Gawd I wish he would just talk to me - I know I keep saying that. I dont pressure him AT ALL though.. I just wish I knew what has suddenly made him go into this weird silent person that I haven't seen before. Is it possible anti-depressants could do this? I still dont know for sure if his doctor prescribed them, but I think if he actually told his doctor the truth about how he has been feeling I'd be really surprised if the doctor didn't do something. I know he went to the trouble of going to a doctor so I know he would have told the doctor some of the truth - maybe not everything. Who knows.
Ok so off to a different topic - how the heck do I GAL? I am pretty much caring for my small children 99% of the time. I am racking my brain to come up with GAL ideas that don't require me to spend a crazy amount of time away from my kids - mainly b/c I just dont have babysitters available to me. I've had a few girls night, doing a bootcamp and joined a gym in the area that hasn't opened yet. H comes the evenings I go to bootcamp - but thats only twice a week and he doesnt get home until about 30 minutes before my angels go to sleep. I honestly would LOVE to GAL right now, but I just dont know how I can do it. Any suggestions as to things I could do without having to depend on a babysitter?
So Im bouncing around topics like crazy here - I told my gossippy neighbours yesterday that H and I were separated. We've been apart for over 7 months now so I know all the neighbours are wondering - as we are all very close and all our kids play outside etc. I've been very hesitant in telling anyone about our situation but slowly over the months, most of my family know, all of my friends know, and now some of my neighbours and colleagues now. I feel so humiliated when i tell people. I never actually say 'my h left me' so who knows what they think but I still hate telling people. And of course my kids don't know so I am scared to death someone will tell my 5yo. I told my H when this all started that I was not going to sit down and explain anything to our oldest unless we had decided on divorce b/c thats when everything would change. I know this wouldnt work for everyone but in our situation, H was barely home before, so DS hasn't really noticed that daddy doesn't live with us. He thinks Daddy gets home a lot of nights after he goes to bed and that he leaves for work before he gets up in the morning. Honestly that was exactly the way our lives were prior to the separation anyways. I know he is now noticing that Daddy isn't here as much, he will ask me if 'daddy is coming tonight' 'will daddy be here in the morning' etc. But its been such a gradual thing that I dont think it has shocked him or anything. He also knows that Daddy sleeps at nana's some times and that he works late alot. And he doesnt even ask why I dont come with them when they go to visit his parents or sisters. Breaks my heart. I just want to scream that my little ones have to go through this - and that this crazy life we are living is just 'normal' to them. It kills me. They deserve so much better. Anyways going to stop thinking about that right now. I always have to stop myself from thinking about them, how this will affect them, custody etc b/c it makes me want to throw up - and in fact i have several times if i think too much about it. I try to tell myself now that I will deal with those emotions etc when and if the time comes, b/c I cant live that hell every day of my life. (don't get me wrong though - I will always put my kids first, if there is ever a moment where i 'have' to think about how something will affect them)..
Okay i am so tired now, and so very sad. Time to try to get some sleep. Thank goodness for mild sleeping aids these days frown
Night all.
L.

H:36 W:34
M:6y, T:14y
S:5, S:2
Separated (H left): Oct/10