Words get in the way

[angel61]

My journey is going a lot more smoothly now. Sometimes, I feel like just going on cruise control, opening up the sunroof, and leaning back to enjoy the sunshine. And I did allow myself a couple of days this weekend to do just that! But I should be really careful, I have to keep my eyes on the road for bumps, I don’t know the road that much yet although my map (made by people like 25 and Cyrena) is pretty good!

Mostly, I have been following the “each day is a new beginning” motto. I am training myself not to feel anger or resentment. I sometimes even look at OW’s picture, or at whatever reminders I have of their EA, and you know what? I don’t feel sad or angry anymore!

I did learn a few things the past few days.

One of them was a major eye opener from my very own D12.

Remember when sometime ago I posted that she said I was selfish? Well, I thought I figured out what she meant, but apparently, I was off. I told her about my doing things I considered “selfless” which actually made me happy which thus meant I was still being selfish (like charity work, teaching, blahblah) and she said “Mom, you just don’t get it”.

So I asked her, and she said no, she could not tell me, and I got irritated. She kept on telling me I had to think deeper, dig deeper. Finally, after a series of Q and A’s, she gave me a clue: “Mom, whenever I tell you something, or Dad tells you something, you always have an answer.”

I drove off, thinking about her statement, when suddenly it dawned on me. That is why she couldn’t tell me… of course I would have an answer, and defend myself! Although I don’t always think I am right, although I do admit my weakness, my wrong doing, I still always have an answer. When it is about memories, I have my own to share. When its funny stories, I have one too.

I am an “I” person. Its all about me. I am self centered.

My mom used to tell me that before…. That mediocre people always talk about themselves. People who are shallow, who have nothing to offer. People who think they know everything. A little knowledge is a dangerous thing, as they say.

OMG. I looked at myself in horror, and realization. Am I really like that?

Truly, many people have often told me that I am intelligent. Beautiful. I had the capacity, the potential for success. But that made me lazy. I was, and am able to get along by the seat of my pants. Or by charm and wit and nice words. I did not dig deeper than needed for me to get by. I made it through med school without really studying hard. I have been skimming through life, producing “good” work, but not my best. Once in a while, I would make the effort, and this would usually result in a stellar piece of work.

I am now nearing 50…. Relatively successful, but never made it to the peak. Outwardly confident, but inside me, still insecure, especially if I had to be the “expert”. I am a jack of all trades, but a master of none. Is it too late to change?

Okay, this is all “I” talk, but I need to do this to face myself.

To understand how important this is to both H and D, you have to know their personalities.

Both of them are perfectionists. I remember once, during the start of the sitch, I asked H what happened. And he once said “I am a perfectionist and I want things to be perfect”. Of course he knows it can never be, but this is just to show you what he desires.

Both H and D get obsessed. If they have anything they are interested in (wine, food for H, and when D was younger, it was dinosaurs and pokemon, now its dogs) they would read endlessly, memorize, buy magazines, know the topic inside out. When H has a project at work he knows it from end to end, top to bottom. When D has a report or project, she will not stop until it is perfect. You will not be surprised to know she has never had a grade in any subject that is less than an A.

Looking at his situation, I almost think that it is a mountain too high to scale.

But I just can’t do nothing.

And so, just like everything else, I guess I have to start with baby steps.

And for me, this is my first step: Lessen the use of “I”. Both aloud and in my thoughts. And when I stop the world from revolving around me, then I will have time to really and truly contribute to it, and to the people who matter to me.

But first of all….I will go down on my knees and thank God that I am being given this chance to look into myself and see myself through the eyes of people who love me…and am I thankful for the gift of a discerning 12 year old who is wise beyond her years…..

TO BE CONTINUED…..