I respect your view on my situation, and there is a lot of truth in what you are saying. The problem is, to "back off and let him make his own choices" at this point would mean to give up on a 28 year marriage. NO IT DOESN'T! IT MEANS TO STOP CHALLENGING AND ARGUING AGAINST HIS CHOICES B/C YOU FORCE HIM TO DEFEND THEM AGAIN & AGAIN...
I can't do that. At this time, that IS his choice. But it is a choice that affects many others. HAVE YOU ACTUALLY READ THE DB BOOKS? YOU DON'T SEEM TO GET IT. SORRY...
It would mean selling the house Maybe so. Maybe seeing that will wake him up, maybe not. It's not the worst thing in the world and you DO have to wrap your head around this soon. It might happen.
we raised our kids in. It would mean financial stress, maybe even financial ruin. This is not just "his choice". He made his choice the day of our wedding. Wake up. He changed his mind.
Obviously, the final decision is in his hands. IT'S ONLY IN HIS HANDS...WHAT'S IN YOUR HANDS?? ?what are your 180s? What are your GAL activities?
Until you work on YOU and ONLY YOU, none of the rest of this stuff matters b/c you need to change you.
I cannot MAKE him do anything. But that doesn't mean I can't try to find a way to save our marriage.
We're advising you how to do that! Hello? You don't want to listen.
You want to do what you've always done, b/c it's what you've always done, so you'll get what you've always gotten
He knows you want him to stay. You are clutching at him and it's making him run away faster. Do you see that?
You think stepping back is giving up but it's not. DBing is about the radical but simple idea that you should do more of what works For your marriage and Not do (or do less of) what does NOT work for your marriage...Hard, but not complicated. Stop resisting it. You have a DB coach and two veterans here telling you the same thing. I won't keep arguing with you. That which you resist, persists.
If your marriage was ever happy, and I believe you when you say it was, then trust that when you back off enough, those memories will resurface in him.
I can't just sit back and watch him destroy our lives. Ending the marriage is a terrible thing. I get it. But it does NOT "DESTROY YOUR LIFE" unless YOU LET IT...stop that stinking thinking now. You are catastophizing this. Making a sad situation worse. How would you react if he died? After the grief passed, would you be hysterical? Would you fall apart and shrivel up and die? Why not? B/C of ego? Hey that's not a bad thing but it is something to remember. What is this Fear based drama all about? You are letting your fears dictate your reactions and that's a bad policy.
While I always have respected my husband very much, I don't think I did a very good job of showing it. His behavior now, however, is not really worthy of respect.
OMG ^^^^^ MORE OF THE SAME right in front of you. You are saying on one hand you were NOT respectful enough to him & wish you had been..THEN Now you say you "always have"been respectful...??? and then here, you say he doesn't deserve respect...
Gee, you'll show him!...See what I mean? That's anger. And that's NOT helping you. It's a repeat of the something HE is fleeing. How are you showing your h, that marriage to you NOW, would be different than before? (Answer...you are NOT demonstrating that).
You just finished saying the whole thing about respect --BUT "NOW he doesn't deserve my respect" and I am RIGHT .....and being right is more important than being happy!....
Seriously, you need to choose whether being "right" is more important to you than being happy..b/c you are just going in circles here defending the behavior you are repeating, even while saying you know it's what bothered him...
Here's a tough thing to hear but you need it....I know You don't realize you sound really controlling and critical, but you do. So the comments about unconditional love ring hollow.
What 180? Where are the 180s?
Having said that, I am still trying very hard to give him unconditional love and listen to his views. It is just really hard, because his views are so hurtful. Thanks for your response.
back off so you won't feel so hurt. Guilting him will backfire.
Here's the problem as I see it just reading here.
You SOUND like someone who isn't listening well. You sound as if you DEMAND he "see the light", and (that you get your way) b/c you are RIGHT and someone else is WRONG...
see, this does not work. It does not help marriages in trouble. I said this to you before so please read my LONG post to you again.
If these comments seem at all like something your h would say, then do the opposite. No one said give up.
Either you don't understand the concept of DBing and detachment, or you don't want to do it.
IF so, then try another approach on another site.
But this is divorce busting and you have a DB coach and us and you keep arguing and I don't want to do that.
It's NOT hopeless...but you have to stop blowing it. You have to do something different.
No more arguing with him/his choices or with us...he's fleeing for a reason.
I am NOT blaming you but I wil say this one more time.
HE HAS JUSTIFIED LEAVING IN HIS MIND..
SO YOU HAVE TO COUNTER THE NEGATIVES HE HAS, rright or wrong, WITH POSITIVES...
DON'T FUEL HIS NEGATIVES...
NO MORE BLAMING AND GUILTING HIM B/C IT WILL CONVERT INTO ANGER AT YOU... GAL, take a breath. Do some real 180s. Stop the obsessing/worrying/projecting and stop living in fear.
When you operate in fear, you are not operating in faith.
Turn your pain and anger over to God, trust Him, and BECOME A WOMAN ONLY A FOOL WOULD LEAVE.
Then leave the results up to God.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
