You DO need to do at least one 180. Not to get her to have sex with you, just because you need it for yourself.
You DO need to GAL. Not to get her to have sex with you, just because you need it. Because it will make your life better for you.
You asked her whether she wants a divorce . . . was that your way of telling her that you might want one, if not now, then eventually? If so, you're going to have to sit her down and tell her exactly what you mean. I have done both (the passive-aggressive asking whether she wants something, and the scary but necessary speaking of truth) and only one ever got me anywhere. I'm not blaming you for being passive-aggressive in your situation--it's a normal, even reasonable response--I'm just saying that I've been there and it doesn't work. Closing your eyes when someone throws a jab at your face is normal and reasonable, too, but because it doesn't work, people train themselves not to do it.
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I can honestly say I can NOW understand why some people cheat. When you are tired of begging, pleading and saying I need this....and it all falls on deaf ears you must take care of yourself.
You know, it's interesting . . . Ira Glass recently said that his mother specialized in counseling couples after infidelity, and she found that many of her clients agreed that their marriages were happy . . . but they'd still cheated. They were surprised themselves. In any case, if you can't make it work with your wife, you owe it to yourself and to her to leave rather than cheat. I am NOT advising you to leave, and I realize you're more likely venting some feelings that you don't plan to act on (again, I've been there.) But don't let your thoughts dwell on ways to avoid taking responsibility for what you want too much. If your personal integrity leads you to demand a marriage with a strong sex life, and you find you can't have that with your wife, cheating will almost never make things better. If your wife wants to release you to an open marriage, and you can handle that, that's another story . . . . but as you're clearly finding out, this stuff goes a lot deeper than physical sexual release for most people.
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I feel so used. I feel like a roomate or a friend. She wants the perks of the second check, someone to help with the kids, do household stuff, expects me to be a good father and thats it. I honestly have no clue why I even sleep in the same bedroom or bed with her. I could send her a child support check and let her hire a nanny, gardner, and maid and she'd probably not know or care I am gone.
What did she say when you told her all that, verbatim? Have you done that? It's harder than it sounds. But I'm dead serious. If that's the way you feel, you're not going to get anywhere unless you can say to your wife, "Honey, here's the thing: I feel used. I feel like your roommate, and I never wanted to be your roommate. I feel like your friend, but I don't want to be just friends. I feel like you want everything from me except the love I'm trying to give you when we have sex. I feel like I'm only valuable because I bring in money and help with the kids, and if you had a nanny and a trust fund to replace me, I might not matter at all around here. I feel like we shouldn't even sleep in the same bed, because we don't really share it as man and wife. I don't know how much of this you've understood before, but this is how I feel."
But that's not enough. Then you say some version of this, and the tough part is, you have to mean it before you say it:
"I realize that's not all your fault, and I don't think you want me to feel that way, but I'm trying to be honest with you about how I feel in our marriage right now. Now, I'm going to be doing some new things to try to make this right. I hope you'll join me when you're ready. If we don't both start making some changes, I don't think we can stay together, because I won't accept a sexless marriage."
Of course that all has to be done in your words, and you'll say some things that aren't there and leave out some things that are. But the gist of it is to tell her the truth about how you feel, tell her you accept responsibility but also hold her responsible, and commit to doing something about it . . . . and honestly tell her what you're afraid of and what the consequences are if you (both) fail to deal with the problems.
