WAW, and a bisexual open marriage part 2

[25yearsmlc]

GB,

Make no mistake, I think there's a chance to save your m. Not a huge one, but a chance. But not with your "plan" of hope and change... (I don't give out percentages since I gave my own m a 10% chance of lasting.)

But imo, your "PLAN" is almost guaranteed to prolong your agony, AND will only end in divorce anyhow...

let's say there IS a chance to turn this around...

how? By letting her face the loss of you...really.

Only then, might she awaken to the idea that giving up other men/women is worth it

b/c losing you, is too much to bear.

In truth, many of us will admit that now & then, we'd like to flirt or...more...or spend too much, buy ourselves expensive gifts, ignore our kids for the evening b/c we feel like watching an adult film, or we want to try some illegal drugs, or go out all night with friends and not come home til 5 days later AND not get in trouble when we finally come home...but we don't.

We all have selfish parts to us, but we contain them. We "sacrifice" those selfish parts in exchange for the benefits of keeping our promises and vows and having healthy R's in our life. Not to mention the dangers of the behaviors...or an inner moral compass.

We're adults. We live like adults by choosing like adults.

Life has trade offs. If you order steak, you don't get the shrimp. You picked steak. You don't whine & blame for the rest of the dinner, about having to get ONLY steak...


Your w wants it all.

You seem willing to give it to her, in the "HOPE" that she will give it all up
[b]
to GAIN WHAT SHE ALREADY HAS....YOU.

Can you see why this seems backwards to me?

YAH, when you said he "might want to set a boundary", that's the understatement of the year.

Every m has boundaries, most of which you don't have to spell out b/c we all get them. In Your m, the boundaries seem to be like this--

You can't leave the lights on,

and she can't stab you.

You cannot have sex with OPs (since you don't want it with OMs, and she won't allow you to have it with OWs, you will be monogamous and she won't..

Your plan?

If and when you use some innocent OW for sex, and somehow you don't become at all emotionally involved...and somehow that's alright with OW...

is that supposed to get w back?

My suggestion to get her back is to plan on a move by yourself, and let her panic/fume/stomp and go apoplectic...

let her scream that she does not trust you again!!! You "lied".... (it's almost comedic for her to use that term, given the situation. So crazy). Don't tolerate it. Demand some sane respect.


I'd separate, and move on. (NOT = Giving up)

I'd swim to the other shore, knowing that if she wants the m enough, she'll swim to you when she's clear.

I would not want her back unless and until she's clear. No more guessing what she might want/say/do...She'd tell you and she'll get there. IF your future conversations convince you that she is committed, you can pay for her to join you.

I'd let her wonder like crazy about what you are doing and I would NOT tell her, as she wants ultimate freedom (which you are to finance and provide emotional support for, as well-that is doormat and cake eater galore. I mean you will be subsidizing her adultery. I do not care about her sexual orientation b/c I simply don't think she needs to act on it

But she's acting as if you are her dad, suppressing Her natural inclination in a matter having nothing to do with you...She's amazingly insensitive to what that does to a man. Does she hate her dad?

Whatever... she wants her freedom AND doesn't think it's so fun to share it with you.

Now it's time to give her all the rope she said she wants..

But not with you around. [b]NOT at your expense. It's too painful and unfair and It's so enabling. You really will be making things worse.

[/b]I played softball fof 12 years and in college/scholarship.

So, yes I know some gay women...and some women who thought they were gay/bisexual. They were definitely attracted to at least SOME other women. And They got labelled as "gay" and they dated OWs....

I sometimes wondered if a few of them were prematurely labelled (b/c I knew these girls all my life, and many of them had crushes on boys when younger).. One, "BC" had dated guys happily. Then met a cute girl on the team we all kind of admired--very pretty and very funny and they had a gay R for a couple years as far as I know. They called themselves gay but BC was only a teen.

It wasn't my business and I was no expert.

But At the 10 year HS reunion I saw "BC" and she was with a husband and had 2 kids. She said, "turns out I'm not so gay"...So there is some choice for some people. You know your w is attracted to men, even if also to women. You are not asking her to deny her sexuality. You are setting normal healthy boundaries.