Albuquerque living part 3:Strapped in for the ride

[Albuquerque]

Thanks everyone for their thoughts/comments. I've made some responses/thoughts below.

So your husband just comes and goes as he pleases, trashes your house, and then you thank him for letting you know he's OK and everything's hunky-dory (you go out to dinner together) again until next time?

Starsky

Starsky, I totally get what you're saying. But when in a bad mood, things tend to be written with a negative tone. It's not quite how you've stated.

First, I wouldn't say he comes and goes as he pleases. He's always had anxiety issues more in the evenings. Prior to him moving back, he would still stay at the house overnight sometimes. But then other times, I could see the anxiety and knew he needed to go. This has not changed. This was discussed prior to his moving back. We agreed that if he didn't have his own place, he might still need to decompress somewhere and a hotel would fit the bill. I don't like it, but it was an agreement I made and I stand by it. To hold it against him would be wrong.

Second, the comment "trashes your house" was a bit excessive. Again, I wrote with frustration. The house was a mess when I came home but it was a mess both D and H (and even to some extent me) made. I was more frustrated that although I worked all day and they stayed home, no one bothered to clean up. This is a frustration wives often have every day. The fact that there is still a lot of excess furniture around made it worse.

What is your daughter learning from all of this?

Good question. I'm not sure. When H left and was gone all day the next day, she never asked me where he was. We went on with our day. When he DID return, she DID ask him where he was all day. He responded by telling her he was "being crazy". He has been very open with her about his mental issues (both anxiety and depression). Part of my struggle is making sure I'm being a good role model for her.

Asking questions would be "Where did you go? Who did you see? Did you see OW?" Making demands would be "I forbid you to see OW," etc.

We will have to agree to disagree on this one Starsky. I have jumped to no conclusions about where he's gone. But in one of his recent blog posts, he's mentioned that he's done a lot of driving around aimlessly, spending overnight hours at a Village Inn, and sleeping at a nearby hotel. You seem to take his leaving as suspicious behavior which demands explanation. I see it as a needed respite from the difficulties he's going through. And one of the things he's struggling with is feeling like he's not in control of his own life. The minute I start making "demands", the quicker he'll decide this isn't worth it. And when it comes down to it, I don't want to make "demands". If I have to make "demands" in order for him to not see OW then his heart isn't really in it. And for the record, I don't think x-OW has anything to do with this (although I fully realize that could be seen as being naive on my part)

It's perfectly OK -- and healthy! -- for Alb. to say to her husband "Look, you're a grown man, and I'm not going to ask you where you're going, but this is NOT a hotel, and if you insist on coming and going as you please, and disrespecting my home this way, then you'll have to find somewhere else to stay."

That, sir, is a BOUNDARY.

Again, perhaps having the whole story would help. This was a mutually agreed upon solution prior to his moving back. You may argue it was not a wise agreement, but I stand by my decision.

Is "Don't ask questions or make demands" specific to any stage of MLC? Seems to me that it's good advice in the beginning, and when they've left, and while they're gone, but when they come back, or try to? I seem to recall that boundaries are important then. And boundaries do require demands of a sort.
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I agree boundaries are important. But I think it's important to make them YOUR boundaries and not HIS boundaries. For example, earlier this year, H kept coming over to the house in the middle of the night while drunk. This bothered me a lot. Rather than "forbid" him to do that anymore, I told him that if he DID do that again, I'd be sleeping on the couch. That was my boundary. He was free to do as he wished. Once I made that statement, he never did it again. We cannot (and should not) control them. We can only control ourselves. But by standing up for ourselves, the actions often change.

The only advice I could offer would be to go on living your life as if he may go again, without fearing it, but accepting that he is with you and a part of him wants to be. Not sure I could do it though!!

How much of the alien is still there - is he still dead eyes, and untouchable? If so I would say full MLC, but if you can hug him and look him in the eyes most of the time, he may be coming out of the tunnel in his own peculiar way.

That is a very good question. When H is not having anxiety attacks, he's like normal H. He's very affectionate, loves on the animals, spends quality time with D, enjoys cooking, works on tasks in the house, send me goofy texts while I'm at work etc. When he has the attacks however, he becomes very confused and this is frustrating him greatly. He told me recently (after being away overnight) that he's getting so pissed off at not being in control of his brain.

I really do appreciate everyone's thoughts and comments. You have made me think. I agree the boundary issue is important. I think what I'm struggling with is figuring out what my boundaries actually are. H continues to move forward as if he plans to stay. I think one of my boundaries will be that *I* will not be the one to move his furniture back in. It bugs me. Yes. But he will have to be the one to reincorporate himself back into the house. Not me. We'll see how it goes.