WAW, and a bisexual open marriage part 2

[Young at Heart]

.....Lately though I have come to understand how ingrained this bi thing is for her. It's something she feels she has no control over. I can also tell she wants to be loved for who she is.

...She is attracted to both men and women. The issue in question now is whether she can be monogamous. The answer in her mind right now is NO.

... They need to choose for themselves to remain monogamous.

....I want her to freely choose me.

....I also suspect that she may not follow through... (well maybe it's more praying). I'm hoping that the idea is more enticing than actually going through with it. I know her well enough to know that it is important to her that I take her seriously, even if she ends up changing her mind.

I still think she has not completely made up her mind. She needs to find out where she stands. Once she knows we can proceed.

....

First, actions are more important than words in my opinion. I see your wife as a frightened woman not sure of what she wants and trying to put herself in bad situations that will challenger her to expose her inner feelings. I almost view her as a rebelious teenager, even though she is much older than that. You have said she is having an MLC.

You are right that she needs to freely choose you, that she needs to choose monogomy. You have said that you have freely chosen her and monogomy. Provide her with a role model on that.

Which is why you need to continue on GAL and taking care of yourself and growing yourself. You really need to set up a plan for yourself with a timetable for her to figure things out. You "need" at some point certainty in your life. My suggestion would be somewhere between 8 months and 18 months depending on if she is in counseling with you or not. If she is in counseling I would give her more time (although she will probably need less time).

Having said the above, I am unsure of the advice to give you. Please talk to your IC and listen to as many others as you can, before you decide what to do. I really don't have the answers, just thoughts of what I might do.

I think that your having told her that you will be jealous if she has another sexual partner, even if it is a woman is fine. It was honest.

Maybe even a boundary would be good for you to set. However, understand that any boundary you set may be challenged, and if so, you need to follow through. So don't set boundaries that you are not willing to enforce. Don't challenge her or try to manipulate her.

I think that you could tell her that you understand she is having questions about sexual orientation and whether she wants to settle down with a woman or a man. Such situations are not unique, but usually they happen before a woman marries a man and not afterwards.

I think that you could tell her that you love her and care about her happiness and well being, that is why you have tried to be supportive and given her some space to try to figure her needs out.

I also think that you can tell her that you have discovered the past few months that ultimately she will need to decide on whether she is willing to commit to a monogomous relationship with you and only you. Since you are her husband, you feel that you deserve her exclusive love and are willing to work hard at making her feel loved. However, you also know that you will not be able to give her an indefinate amount of time to figure out what she needs.

Insist that the two of you get counseling and that it must be from a sex therapist so she can discuss her bisexual feelings and you can express your concerns about what she is doing.

I would tell her that the reason you insist on the counseling is that you are concerned about her long term happiness and don't want her to potentially destroy her marriage while figuring our her own sexual orientation.

If she does confess to a lesbian affair, thank her for being honest with you. Tell her that you are deeply hurt, if you are. I would also say that the two of you need joint counseling for you to figure out if you can overcome the pain she has caused you and you also need help in better understanding the pain you must have caused her.

If she does confess to a lesbian affair, and it were me, I would set other boundaries besides immediate joint counseling. They would include no sex until she gets two complete tests for STD's a couple months apart. County Health website on lesbian/bisexual women STD info

I would also make sure that there is no way you could accidently get her pregnant no matter what she says or does. I would insist that any sex with her after the tests come in are protected sex that is designed to prevent a pregnancy.

I applaud your progress. I felt that you were making her feel loved and that she was making progress in figuring out her sexual orientation. Your latest post calls that into question.

Hopefully it is short lived backsliding and she will come back having done nothing, feeling guilty and working on getting her head straightened out. It could even be a test by her based on the short time before your move.

Ultimately, though the marriage wiil fail or rebuilt based on her willingness to change the way she acts. You need to be mentally and emotionally prepared for whichever path she chooses. Again, that is why GAL is so very important.

Good luck to you.