This choice to try your best to save a marriage, this is the worse part of: "for better or worse."
I have told myself this over and over during the past 6 months Jack. At what point do we need to begin to look out for ourselves though? Yes this has been the 'worse' part of my M vows. And I have hung in there. But what happens when your W just takes advantage of you sticking with her through the 'worse'? I'm struggling with this right now.
Denver, you're getting so much advice here and everyone is trying to make their points it is confusing and at times conflicting; surprised your head hasn't exploded.
What I got from above is a sense of...entitlement.
You throw 6 months out, that's fine. I'll counter with: Have you changed? You'll likely say yes, and I'll agree
Have you changed enough? Or is the above post of yours indicative of the guy who's character lead him here?
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At what point do we need to begin to look out for ourselves though?
The whole time I did. I looked at my wife and realized that while she was 'running' if I didn't do my best, I would also likely always end up 'running' away as well. I used everything and everyone I could to last as long and go as far as I could.
Was I doormat? I could give 2 sh1ts what anyone else thought or thinks. This was my character, my vow, my wife, and my family.
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Yes this has been the 'worse' part of my M vows.
On your end. I wonder when it was 'worse' for her? But we only feel slighted from our hurt our pain. If you believe in karma, its cuts both ways.
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But what happens when your W just takes advantage of you sticking with her through the 'worse'?
How is/was she taking advantage of you?
Are you paying for her apartment?
Did she lie to you? Yeah more than likely. More than likely. Don't get me wrong I'm not the type to believe they only hung out...but only 2 people in the entire world KNOWS EXACTLY what happened that night, and I'd trust neither of them.
Your anger? It is justified.
The part that worries me about you Denver is this, and I mean this honestly and truthfully:
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At what point do we need to begin to look out for ourselves though?
When have you prior to 6 months ago, not looked out for yourself?
This is the corner stone of your wife's fear.
I'd expect you or anyone to point out their worry if I posted that I just bought an Alien Harware Computer system and a copy of City of Heroes.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
When the time comes for the boundary; when the gates come crashing down, the spouse should KNOW what they are losing.
What do you mean Jack?
I mean that I believe that your wife, should see you in the best light possible for as long as possible before you remove yourself from her sight.
Before you throw down an ultimatium/boundary that removes you from having them in their life, they should know that you have changed are better.
Me throwing down the boundary of "me or him" would have been a no brainer on her end if I was still spending all my free time on the computer and being a horrible father. Hell, I wouldn't blame her.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
I mean that I believe that your wife, should see you in the best light possible for as long as possible before you remove yourself from her sight.
Before you throw down an ultimatium/boundary that removes you from having them in their life, they should know that you have changed are better.
Well, assuming that I still want to save my M, I guess that I had better hope that my W seeing me in the best light possible for 3 months was long enough.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
I mean that I believe that your wife, should see you in the best light possible for as long as possible before you remove yourself from her sight.
Before you throw down an ultimatium/boundary that removes you from having them in their life, they should know that you have changed are better.
Well, assuming that I still want to save my M, I guess that I had better hope that my W seeing me in the best light possible for 3 months was long enough.
This is basic "Plan A/Plan" B Harley infidelity stuff, and yes, 3 months is plenty of time for a good "Plan A."
You are getting an incredible amount of advice, you have a very popular set of threads from high profile people. No one really knows you or your wife. No one is in exactly your same situation. Some folks (on your thread) have been successful, some not. Some show their situation, some do not. I imagine that you have paid attention to this.
There's an underlying theme from most of your posters and the advice is wise.
I really want you to be succesful. For really successful people, they go internal. They center. They act on that center.
Ditch the board for a week or two. Center. Then make a plan. Act on the plan.
Before, after or during your centering--look at your data. The results:
What you do, what your wife has done. How you adjust, how your wife's behavior adjusts.
Center.
THEN make decisions about your ongoing behavior.
Items like timelines are artificial strategies, games, yadayada, and they DO NOT have deep meaning.
Center yourself.
That's one of the things I admire about some of the most successful people, and right now Jack comes to mind. It's not the technique Jack used...it's how he went about it.
