After 2 years separation, he still wants out!!!

[MommaDucki]

First off, I've been a lurker here on and off over the past two years now, I just seldom login to comment, and for that I am truly sorry, because in so many cases, I feel exactly as so many of you.
A couple of years ago, I was here, and have a few long winded threads I'd started...
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...608#Post1821608 was my first one (rather long...sorry)

So on to the matter at hand...
If you've taken the time to get caught up, H and I have now been separated for over two years (lived 1300 miles apart from each other). I have had DD3 with me this whole time. Since the seperation, I've gone down all sorts of paths, highways, alleyways, you name it, and I've learned a LOT! Namely, I don't need H to be happy, I choose to want to include him in my life. I've GAL, been through two intense years of counseling on my own, learned more about myself than I ever thought possible and know what direction I'd like my life to go. H is insistent he's "changed much more than me" and has become the better person and still wants D.

Now, bear with me here while I try to keep this short. When H and I separated, I moved to my parents house. After working hard, and pretty much being in the dark with him for over a year and a half (except when it concerned DD), I reached a standstill point with my job, and really began to miss the city he lives in....the city I grew to love and still call home. So, I came out of the dark briefly with H to feel him out about how his reaction would be if I moved back to his area. It's to a point where I want to stay married to him, but am waiting for him to make the moves to initiate reconciliation. He still has much about himself I know he wants to work on, and it's not the right time to try to work on us right now. However, he's not been an actual physical figure in DD's life either. Frankly, he's still rather self-focused (possible early MLC, not sure?), and hasn't always followed through on financially providing for DD, which is all he could really do being so far away.

So, after a rather intense 3 hour phone discussion, it was decided that I'd move back to his area Mid-Map. I had money enough to go straight into my own place, had several job interviews lined up as well....everything seemed smooth and I hoped for the best. DD and I got on the road, and after 900 miles on the road, my entire exhaust system fell off our car due to a really deep pothole. We were 900 miles away from my parents house and still 400 miles away from H's apt, and I had to get it fixed or we'd be stuck in the middle of nowhere. Cost much more than I wanted it to and ended up using almost all of my deposit/rent money for my apartment and delayed our trip an extra day. Due to this delay, my interviews were cancelled, and I was out the 5 different offers I had, and am now working odd housecleaning jobs till I can find something better. The biggest kicker to all of this is that due to proximity and lack of funds, it made more sense to keep on track to H's apt than to go back to my parents' house. He offered to let us move into his place short term till I bolstered up my funds again and got into our own place. So far, it's been 3 weeks here and it's really really REALLY awkward!!!!


H told me before we moved (7 weeks prior to the actual move) that he wasn't seeing anyone, assured me no OW would be coming over, and that he "wanted to pla H and W". I know enough about DBing and my H to not really believe a word of what he says, so the fact he put emphasis on "no OW" caught me off guard.

Since we've been here, not a single person ha come over except for a few mutual friends of both of ours )yes, I stayed in contact with my friends...whole different story, so moving on...)

I do have to ask that no one judge me here, because we all have our own reasons for wanting to get back together with spouses...At this moment, my H has been out of work for 5 months, his mom has been helping pay his bills, and he has no means of transportation other than the bus (which he'll happily use if needed). Before the move, I'd told him that due to state laws where he lives, I'd have to put him on my car insurance policy because we're still legally married. I also reinforced that this was my car, that with the exception of DD, is the thing I'm most proud of myself for accomplishing (yes, it's used, but I worked my butt off to buy it and pay it off in full in under a year's time). Told him, he'd be able to use it on occasion for interviews or to take DD somewhere we discuss prior, etc....basically laying down ground rules for my car. Once I'm down here, he apparently only heard what he wanted to hear and no still gets bitter with me that I won't let him use MY car to go out for the night....have had trust issues in the past with him...explained I'm not asking him to jump back into R with me, but to at least respect my wishes in regards to the car.

Ugh I'm getting long winded here....in short, I'm really really giving it my all to show him only the attention necessary on DD's bealf and not let him get to me, but it's not going to well. Then last night, I'd been gone most of the day with DD, and when we got back home, H was asleep...he has no regular sleep schedule, and DD and I just went about our business and went to bed....I woke up a few hours later needing to use the restroom, and wouldn't you know it? H is on the phone in the next room having phone s*x with OW?!?!?!?! I just went to restrom and what i feel was a pretty good job of not reacting at all....About this same time, I began to get sick....ironically, i do actually have a case of food poisoning....DD and two friends I went out to dinner with last night have it too....so of course, H's in bedroom on phone, and I'm in and out of there needing the restroom and though I wasn't trying to listen, It's hard not to hear snippets and it sent my stomach into knots.....

I just feel betrayed, and yet not...Honestly not even angry about it, because many say I can do better, and I'm sure I could, I do in fact know him, and am lost, but not all at the same time as to what to do next..

If you've taken the time to read through all this, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Right now, I'll call it quits to let anyone comment if you so chose. I have an interview to get to and have plans with a girlfriend later tonight. Wil try to post again if I can today. Thank you again for reading.