It's Over

[Gnosis]

Denver, I've read bits 'n pieces of your thread. Here are my thoughts, some of these have been said by others... some of them may not have been.

- A man's word is his bond. This is why you don't speak when you are angry / hurt (aka emotional state) because later on your credibility and self-respect will be evaluated by the words you have spoken.

My late father always used to quote to me, "talk is cheap." Boy did that p*ss me off! It took me a while to realize what he really meant was, "What is the use of doing all that talking if you're not going to do anything about it?" When that hit me is when I learned to stop talking too much, start listening, analyze what was being said and then plan accordingly.

The reason you didn't "clock" the OM is because you were PREPARED. That is the power of imagination. That is the power of thought, planning and playing with scenarios. Congratulations on that. From what I read no one has given you credit for that.

I'll confess that when I came to this board I wasn't looking for DB to save my marriage. I came here looking for ammunition. What kind of ammunition? Dialog ammunition. You see subconsciously I knew what I needed to do and one of those things was to prepare myself as best I could for any interaction with my W. I needed to be prepared for every excuse in the book and have a supply of responses that would neutralize the venom. I literally had an entire flowchart mapped in my brain

- If she says this my response is that, that or that.
- If she does this my response is that, that or that.

I did my homework. Do yours. Make your plans when you're in a sound state of mind and stick to them when you're in emotional turmoil.

Naturally, that didn't mean I shouldn't be trying to "hear" what she was saying.

I agree with the "no contact" advice others have been telling you, but for different reasons. You need to disentangle yourself from her so you can "see clearly." You've mentioned it here that you need space, but I don't think you realize how important that is. IMHO this is the best gift you can give to yourself, your wife and your marriage RIGHT NOW.

It's time for you to shut up. And I mean that. It is important that you cut off all contact with her. Every little thing. That means: No texts, no emails, no phone calls. Every contact with her will re-invoke a mass of emotions that will cloud your judgment and right now you need to THINK and evaluate YOUR life and what it is your really want and need.

I have tons I could say, but my time has run out. I'll leave you with a couple of quotes:

"However beautiful the strategy, you should occasionally look at the results." -- Winston Churchill

And this one:

"Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing happened." -- Winston Churchill

[thatgirl007]

Hi, Denver! I try not to give advice to people because I normally need lots of advice. So, I've been reading but I just wanted to chime in, if it helps at all.

Here are a few things that have worked best for me.

1.) I made a decision not to make any major decisions until a year after we had been S. I use that as an anchor. So, when the tides come racing in and the walls are shaking, I remember my decision and I stick to it. And in October when a year has passed, maybe my first major decision will be not to make a major decision for another year. I'm not in a rush to find someone new, to fix my marriage or anything like that. I've been married for 12 years. Being in a M, is not going to make me happy for more than the time it takes for the ink to dry on the marriage certificate.

2.) Let go of the outcome. Wouldn't it be awesome if my M was saved? Wouldn't it be awesome if we fixed our R? And vice versa, wouldn't it be awesome to fall in love with someone new? Wouldn't it be awesome to get remarried and use everything I've learned to create a more solid union? Or even, wouldn't it be awesome to just date and not commit again? Wouldn't it be awesome to really focus on myself and my friends and family?

Basically, isn't it awesome to be alive and to have choices and options?

At some point, you have to let go of the outcome. You're in Fix-It mode, and I did that for over 10 years. Some things have to work themselves out and you need only be open to the possibility of things being better.

When people say you are controlling, they aren't talking about your W and OM. They are talking about the nature of your actions, the whole overall stance you have on things. The bottom line is, Denver, you're not in control here. And when you have been in control, things have not gone according to plan. The same can be said for me.

At some point, you have to come to the realization that life is going to take you to places where you don't necessarily want to go. You don't have control over that. What you do have control over, is who you are, what you do and how you let it affect your heart and soul.

Your wife has her own journey and you can't control where it takes her.

But wherever she goes, you can still have an awesome life and you can still use everything that you've learned to make yourself better.

If that makes any sense? Keep your head up, Denver

[Truegritter]

but I no longer feel that I owe amends for my behavior in my M. I need to keep up the changes that I have been working on for sure. But I have suffered enough for my transgressions in my M.

This is step in the right direction.

Did it feel a bit like you were the pin cushion?

Lot's of good advice coming your way here buddy.

The most important IMO is for you to remember the Denver you decided to be...the one you are becoming.

THAT guy doesn't give his W the power to hold sway over his self esteem.

Doesn't let his emotions rule him.

Doesn't allow anger to be the novacaine for his pain.

Take away all the buttons she can push on you that gets you off your path.

What are those? Find them and kill them. Yank them right out.

[Queen_of_Swords]

Denver, I would like to second what thatgirl007 has written.

I am a controller, but day by day becoming very aware of the limits of that control and the stress I putting MYSELF under.

Since I have been working the program I have, I have learned something that perhaps you can recognise and learn from too.
People like us try to control our environment, the people around us, and events.

We do this because WE feel out of control and insecure interally.
Then when this control fails or catastrophe happens our sense of security and certainty is shaken and our world gets turned upside down. We then turn into victims by allowing OUTSIDE FORCES to determine our happiness.

What thatgirl007 wrote in point 2 is key.

I have this posted in a prominent place in my home:

You are not the General Manager of the universe, your job is to remain open to new possibilities and let go of concepts of how things should work out.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Ahhh, the problem with cherry picking is that isn't even the whole story.

It got worse from there too.

Before it got better.


My advice, doesn't come from ignoring what I did, what I went through.

My advice is based upon it.

When the time comes for the boundary; when the gates come crashing down, the spouse should KNOW what they are losing.

[~¤DG¤~]

Thatgirl007-

I am going to listen to your advice. It is very, very good advice.

Thank you.

Hope you are doing well Denver.

[~¤DG¤~]

Denver, I would like to second what thatgirl007 has written.

I am a controller, but day by day becoming very aware of the limits of that control and the stress I putting MYSELF under.

Since I have been working the program I have, I have learned something that perhaps you can recognise and learn from too.
People like us try to control our environment, the people around us, and events.

We do this because WE feel out of control and insecure interally.
Then when this control fails or catastrophe happens our sense of security and certainty is shaken and our world gets turned upside down. We then turn into victims by allowing OUTSIDE FORCES to determine our happiness.

What thatgirl007 wrote in point 2 is key.

I have this posted in a prominent place in my home:

You are not the General Manager of the universe, your job is to remain open to new possibilities and let go of concepts of how things should work out.

Syclla,

From one control freak to another, you worded it perfectly. Spot on.

[jbnati]

Very, very good stuff, folks. I think I am going to write that down on my page of famous DB quotes and sayings.

[Queen_of_Swords]

LOL thatks DG. I see errors, but whatever the message is the important part, not the mistakes!

[Denver_2010]

When the time comes for the boundary; when the gates come crashing down, the spouse should KNOW what they are losing.

What do you mean Jack?


BTW, I have remembered a couple of things that W and I said to one another during our telephone conversation on Tuesday. Not sure if I included in my original update, but wanted to put them down here.

W asked me about my text message about moving on and looking for someone else to share my life with.

W: "So now you get what you want. You can go find a stripper or hooker to be with."

Me: "W, that is not what I want for my life now."

W: "Now. Right."

Me: "It's not what I have ever wanted. And if I ever did want to go to strip clubs or do that kind of stuff, it is NOT what I want with my life now. I want someone to love, who wants my love."

W: "I don't put it past you right now to go to a strip club tonight or even get a hooker just to get even with me for what you think I have done."

Me: "Well, that's not anything that I am interested in"

----------

Me: "I will not live in an open M. No matter everything that I ever did wrong in our relationship, I deserve to be treated better than this."


Again, this is from Tuesday night. Part of the convo that I forgot to mention.

I want to reply to some posts from Truegritter, Eric, and Cat... haven't had the chance. Maybe tonight.

BITS
Denver