My Wife Wants to Separate

[DeterminedFather]

A lot has happened since my last post.

We told the children that I'm moving out. It was difficult for all of us but not unexpected the the kids after my wife's impulsive decision last October to tell them she was leaving.

I have found an apartment suitable for me and the children. It's in the same town and large enough for one bedroom for my 2 boys and one for my daughter. I will be moving in tomorrow and spending the first weekend buying furniture and stuff to make it a home.

My W is now being much more agreeable when talking about parenting time. We don't have a plan written down but that's not a big concern anymore since she is being polite.

I did meet with another lawyer and his advice was to make sure I stay involved with the children as much as possible and other helpful advice for working toward staying married. He said that I shouldn't hire him since my wife isn't proceeding with a D right now. Basically don't do anything that she thinks is escalating or accelerating the legal process.

I know I need to be strong but moving out and having to furnish an apartment this weekend is going to be really hard. I've got to show the W that I'm strong.

[~¤DG¤~]

DF-

I am sorry that it has come down to this.
And your right, it will be hard but I have faith that you will get through it.

Keep your chin up.

[jbnati]

DF - Hang in there, man. It's good to hear your L is giving you helpful advice and for staying married, and is encouraging you not to escalate the process.

I see some small positives here. It's good your W isn't proceeding with a D right now. It's also good she is being much more agreeable during the parenting talks. Hopefully she needs some space to think and de-compress more than she really needs a D.

I know it's tough, but hang in there, you can do it.

[DeterminedFather]

dg and jb,

Thanks for the support.

One thing I can't get out of my head is her statement that she was working on our relationship from November thru January but some of my actions/decisions in the December thru Feb timeframe made her thing that I didn't want to stay married and that she was done with me.

The things she cited where 1. Me taking 2 of the children to NY for Christmas eve to visit my parents (who she won't visit btw) 2. Booking 4 nights at a Cape Cod campground (total of $60) when she didn't want to go a family vacation was me trying to have separate vacations. 3. Me taking the children skiing in February for a weekend with my father was another separate vacation. 4. Me renewing an inexpensive golf membership was me being selfish.

All but the first one was done after she decided again that we needed to separate. All of the trips I would have loved to have done as a family of 5 but she refused.

I guess I did make most of the decisions from a GAL and I want to have something enjoyable for the children. Just because she was miserable and didn't want to change didn't mean that I should be.

I think this is just her trying to rewrite history to justify her decision but I still want to see if there's something I can take away for the future. Maybe back in December I should have planned a family trip to show her I wanted to stay together.

Maybe I should just admit we can't be married because she wants to eliminate all family contact (she no longer talks to her mother, father or two brothers because they are bad for her) and I want to still have a relationship with my family.

I'm not sure why I can't let this go. Maybe it's her saying if I just did X,Y, or Z in the past things would be different and she wouldn't be forced to do this.

One other thing is last month W did say that me moving out was "a test" that I needed to pass for her.

W doesn't have any goals for this separation besides not seeing me. I'm going to GAL and be the best dad I can be. I'll try to go semi-dark but I'm not sure how easy that will be when co-parenting 3 children.

[LearningPatience]

DF, from what I see here your W is trying to control you and have the upper hand. From my own LBS standpoint, *you* don't have to pass any tests for her. Plus, the four things she cited were perfectly reasonable and it sounds like she was grasping for straws and/or rewriting history for her own sake.

If you would have done x, y or z, she would have asked for a, b or c. Don't sweat it and definitely don't let her be in control of your GAL! I think you're going to be fine.

[jbnati]

Plus, the four things she cited were perfectly reasonable and it sounds like she was grasping for straws and/or rewriting history for her own sake.

If you would have done x, y or z, she would have asked for a, b or c. Don't sweat it and definitely don't let her be in control of your GAL!

I absolutely agree! I think you're spot on LP.

[DeterminedFather]

The separation is at 11 days. My apt is convenient and large enough for the children and me. I just need to focus on furnishing it for a family of four. I'm not sure how having the children for four weeks over the summer is going to affect my job. I will try to make up the hours during the weeks I don't have them. Only seeing them on weekends is the other option but that doesn't seem right.

My wife doesn't want to talk to me unless it's about the kids and then it's email. Now I'm going semi-dark.

She did say after the first weekend that she needs to stop feeling sorry for me because she forced me out to an apt without the children. I didn't have much of a response.

She has also complained about me not being on time for several pickups and how self centered I am. I didn't defend myself or argue that she was unreasonable. I will make sure the times are more firmly set and stick to them.

Since she loves to complain and is unreasonable I don't know what is an appropriate response. I used to defend myself, argue or apologize depending on my mood so I'm not sure what a 180 behavior would be.

Anyway, there's a lot more but posting from a Itouch isn't easy.

[DeterminedFather]

I had a great Father's day weekend with the children. They got me an XBox since I don't have a video game. It makes them happy.

We have separate checking accounts and have set up paying our own bills. I got an email from her stating "I am not comfortable paying for your cell phone as part of the family plan. Please get your phone taken off the family plan." This seems petty but I decided to be open and non-judgemental when talking to her about it.

During our conversation she made several statements that seem just plan odd to me since she has wanted me out for the past 6 months and now she has it.

- She isn't happy that I still have a key and a garage door opener to the house while I have a separate life with my own apartment. - I haven’t been back in the house unless it’s to pickup/drop off kids. I will give her back the key to house we both own if she wants it.

- I seem to be enjoying my separate life in my apartment. – I’m trying to make the best of it. Does she want me to be miserable?

- She feels like she doesn’t know me anymore. That I’m secretive and don’t share information. She cited that I didn’t give her my new address. She only got it from a shared email account. – Ugh, she helped me move. It’s not like I was keeping it a secret. I’ve tried small talk with her but she’s not willing to chat with me. Just yesterday, I called to ask how a big school PTO project she ran went and she said “Fine” and got off the phone.

Last week she got upset that I sent a change of address form to the Post Office because she thought it caused the post office to change her mail. I reassured her that it was a change of address only for me, not the entire family. Still didn’t help so I cancelled the change of address.

How can she be angry at me for so many things when I’ve moved out at her request? I think I’ve been very reasonable with all of her requests. The one thing she keeps bringing up was me wanting to protect myself before moving out by talking to a lawyer and understanding what my legal rights and risks were.

After multiple years of her saying she wanted a divorce and that I should move out she still wants to make it seem like I’m the cause of all of our problems.

I can’t take this anymore. If she called me up tonight to say let’s get a divorce I would agree and suggest we both get lawyers and meet tomorrow.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

I will give her back the key to house we both own if she wants it

You both own it still? You still making payments on it?
I wouldn't although that is a fight coming.

Still didn’t help so I cancelled the change of address.

Why? Has placating her changed her mind up until this point?
Why back down on this?

Stand up for yourself a little, not saying become an ass, but I also do not advocate kowtowing to the spouse to win them back.
A watered down version of: You're not going to divorce her into loving you.

[LearningPatience]

JTB beat me to it. You have to do things for *yourself* now, not her. Like he said, you don't have to be a jerk, but a simple "no, I'm not willing to do that" will do you (and eventually her) wonders. It's empowering.