Hi, Denver! I try not to give advice to people because I normally need lots of advice. So, I've been reading but I just wanted to chime in, if it helps at all.
Here are a few things that have worked best for me.
1.) I made a decision not to make any major decisions until a year after we had been S. I use that as an anchor. So, when the tides come racing in and the walls are shaking, I remember my decision and I stick to it. And in October when a year has passed, maybe my first major decision will be not to make a major decision for another year. I'm not in a rush to find someone new, to fix my marriage or anything like that. I've been married for 12 years. Being in a M, is not going to make me happy for more than the time it takes for the ink to dry on the marriage certificate.
2.) Let go of the outcome. Wouldn't it be awesome if my M was saved? Wouldn't it be awesome if we fixed our R? And vice versa, wouldn't it be awesome to fall in love with someone new? Wouldn't it be awesome to get remarried and use everything I've learned to create a more solid union? Or even, wouldn't it be awesome to just date and not commit again? Wouldn't it be awesome to really focus on myself and my friends and family?
Basically, isn't it awesome to be alive and to have choices and options?
At some point, you have to let go of the outcome. You're in Fix-It mode, and I did that for over 10 years. Some things have to work themselves out and you need only be open to the possibility of things being better.
When people say you are controlling, they aren't talking about your W and OM. They are talking about the nature of your actions, the whole overall stance you have on things. The bottom line is, Denver, you're not in control here. And when you have been in control, things have not gone according to plan. The same can be said for me.
At some point, you have to come to the realization that life is going to take you to places where you don't necessarily want to go. You don't have control over that. What you do have control over, is who you are, what you do and how you let it affect your heart and soul.
Your wife has her own journey and you can't control where it takes her.
But wherever she goes, you can still have an awesome life and you can still use everything that you've learned to make yourself better.
If that makes any sense? Keep your head up, Denver
Me: 33, H: 32 M: 12 years T: 13 years No kids D-Day: 7/2009 Separated: 10/12/10 Future Unknown GITS
"There's a fire starting in my heart, reaching a fever pitch and it's bringing me out the dark." - Adele
