I just received the DR book this morning as per the tracking confirmation i received, lots of reading tonight!
Quick Question looking on advice with this. Ex BIL just had another baby, do i congratulate ex on becoming an aunt again, so i initiate contact to do this or wait for her to contact me and bring it up, do i visit BIL, do i do nothing?
W attempted to call me twice at work today and both times i was legitimately away from my desk but saw her called ID. I did not call her back as I didn't want to deal with anything at work, but figured that it couldn't be any bad news cause i know her, or thought i knew her and anything negative would be done privately.
W called my cell shortly after work was over, i was just getting back into my apt after taking the dog out. She was excited and wanted to tell me that her brother had his baby. I congratulated her on becoming an aunt for a second time and expressed my best wishes to her brother and his wife. She said she tried to call me at work to tell me and since her brother did play on my soccer team she thought i should know. I was kinda hurt by that, i considered her brother my family for a while, and not just a guy who i played sports with. She said she had to go because she was picking up her other SIL to go see the baby. I congratulated her again, wished her an awesome time with her new niece and said bye. I was sincerely happy for them, for her, to hear the excitement in her voice.
I then had a breakdown, I went to my bed, cuddled with my dog and cried like a baby. I wanted to be there with her, i wanted to share the excitement, i wanted this over, and i wanted to be back together, in a healthier stronger R. I miss her sooo much. Why am i being soo selfish? why is this still soo hard after 4 months, that i still cry and am pathetic.
I started to read DR after my breakdown, just finished up to Chapter 3. Baby steps.. having her call me to inform me of the news should be a great sign... she thought enough to call, even if the conversation was 1 min long and she used the excuse that we played sports together..
How I long for this to be over, to be a couple again.. patience is what i need, wait and ride it out is the best i can do right now.
W called today around noon, she asked what i was up to and if i had plans for supper. I told her i did have plans and that i was going out with 2 buddies. I asked her why? If she was going to invite me out. She said she was going into town to buy mats to install a drop ceiling in a room of her house and figured she'd drop by my apt with pizza. I was kind of shocked. We ended up speaking for about 45 mins where she kept referring to her future but not mentioning me. Saying she realizes she cant afford to live in the house by herself and will always need a room mate, how her finances are tough alone, but without finishing this ceiling she is loosing too much heat and needs to fix it. i tried to be supportive and upbeat, but then i dropped some R talk, saying that i was hoping her the best and want her to be stress free so she can work on herself and then possibly us. She said she knows.. she knows how i feel. I told her that i am spending the weekend dog sitting for a friend as i would expect the same from them when i need someone to watch my dog (our former dog) and she said i can always ask her. I dont know if i want her to watch the dog, she left me, she left the dog.. i told her that i dont want to interfer with what she is trying to do, and that i dont blame her for anything, but it's been a long time and i am tired. I then told her i had to go and she said the same, i said to call me if she wanted to hang out another time as i cant today and she said she would.
I then thought of the convo and was angry at myself for bringing up any R, even if little. I'm just tired of being alone, besides a few friends and a dog.. i have nothing out here (family is all 10+ hrs away and dont understand). When she talks about her future, and had no hint of me, and talks about months or a year down the road i am discouraged... i loose hope and wonder if this is worth it or do i move on..
Maybe i just dont understand what she is going through herself and what she needs.. time to work on herself.. i dont know how much more time i have left to wait without seeing more improvements to OUR R.
Veltis, welcome to the unpredictable world of the WAS, where the only consistent thing is inconsistency. One day she will seem like your best friend and the next day she will want to murder you in your sleep. I've been visiting this site since early March, and my time of 10 weeks in my little Hell is nothing. It's remarkable how many of us have heard the same words and experienced the same emotions, actions and behaviors by our WAS's. But here are some things I've learned from the great people on this site, and please forgive me for anything I say that you already know:
1. Time is your friend. Every minute allows you to improve yourself, even reinvent yourself...not for your W, but for YOU. I've read here that you should strive to become the man that any woman would be a fool to leave.
2. Patience...you need an infinite amount of it. I was like you: impatient and wanting to fix it NOW (I think most of us men are like that). Didn't work at all.
3. You have no control over her words, thoughts, behaviors or actions. She is the center of her universe right now; nothing you do or say will have any immediate effect on her. She will drift toward those people who validate and reinforce her current state of mind, and drift away from those who question her actions. Learn to focus less on her actions, and more on yourself.
4. PMA - Positive Mental Attitude. It is a must to maintain a PMA when dealing with your W. She will sniff out fear, desperation and sadness like a bird dog, and any of those traits will send her running. You want to be the man she wants to return to, not the man she feels like she has to return to.
180s, GAL, no talk about R or M...these are absolute truths. And the sad thing is, she may still walk. All of our WASs may walk away for good. But we're stubborn; we believe in our Ms and we will stand for them until there is nothing left to stand for. And even if that occurs, we will know that we gave it everything we could give.
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
Thanks for the advice.. Its been a few weeks now and she now wants to take me off of the car registration, for what she says is insurance purposes. i told her that I would do it but there are some finances we need to wrap up and the car is my only leverage. I told her that she once told me that if anythign happened she wouldn't screw me over with the house and our assets. We agreed upon repaying me for the car deposit and winter tires i paid for. Then there is the washer/dryer and snow thrower we paid together. Which she all agreed on. Then she asked what else, and i said i have an accountant (my best friend) calculate out what equity i paid in the house considering all bills/expenses and the portion of the payments that went towards interest and principle on the mortgage. She said she was shocked i was asking for this, i told her we should get together and discuss it. I told her i need to protect myself too and can't give over everything without protecting myself. She said she will look at the spreadsheet which i think is very very fair, but that i should be careful not to insult her. That she made payments cheap for me to pay off debt, which i acknowledge and appreciate, but u still built equity in OUR life, or what i thought was our life at the time. I don't want this step to be the absolute end of our conversations and to screw over any chance to reconcile... but i need to think of protecting myself if this goes the wrong way. I dont know what to do.. do i just forget about it and sign off on the truck and not bother with the equity (just over 3k) and take the hit as i've been doing since she walked, or do i pursue this to get what i think is fair for the 4 yrs we owned the house.
Thanks for that recap, Telemark. I need to see those words frequently to keep it in perspective.
Perspective is easy to lose.
Thanks
H 51, W 46 no kids T 22 years M 17 years ILBNILWY 2/10 1st D talk 6/10 partial recovery W files D 5/11 long distance separation 8/11 moving forward on D 10/11 legal separation complete 1/2012
Well just wanted to do a little update. I have taken as much advice as I could and have been really working on me. I've decided to keep myself busy, hang out with friends and open myself up to the world a little more and live. I have had little contact with my W for a while, until recently. She started sending me text's to have fun at my sports games, small things.. small steps.. but i was surprised. She asked why I don't call to chat and whenever she tries to call me I am always busy and its not a good time. I told her I was respecting her decision to want time and space. I did not want to pressure her with my calls and I wanted her to do what she has to do to make herself happy. She told me that she had a promotion at work and i told her that was awesome and i was proud of her. Her work has been one of the stresses in her life making her unhappy so I thought that this was a positive thing for her and any R we may have in the future. I told her that we should go out for dinner to celebrate and she actually agreed. We had dinner at a new restaurant neither of us tried before and went for a short walk. There was no touching or holding hands but i gave her a hug when we left. She invited me to one of her soccer games, which was today, but the other team didn;t show up. So we played frisbee with the dog and as she was leaving she saw me staying at the field still playing. She called me saying she thought I was going home and I told her I still have an hour and want to enjoy the day with the dog. I asked if she wanted to go for a walk in the park and after a few moments of a pause she said yes. So we walked about 45 mins through some trails side by side. Again there was no touching except for a brief brush, but no hand holding.. I really wanted to but didn't want to push anything. We made arrangements to have dinner at my apartment on wednesday and to go to the movies afterwards. As we left the park I thanked her for her company and told her i enjoy spending time with her and she said "I Know"?. i dont want to read into it.
I am taking everything with a grain of salt. She is one of the most stubborn people I've meet and I hope she's not too stubborn to be willing to reconcile. I have no clue what to do and don't want to force anything. I guess i will wait for her to reach out for my hand and just wait for the day. This timing is hard though, as i decided to open myself out to have a potential date but now i'm confused. I feel like i am walking on eggshells around her. I guess i just dont want to do anything to blow it and let time tell... patience is still key.
