The other thing that I have come to realize AGAIN, is that I absolutely have to let the relationship just "BE" with my D14 and my XW.
I am no longer going to "advise" my XW on what she "should" be doing to "re-establish" her relationship with HER daughter. I got the following email from her yesterday.....
XW.......Do you think it would be okay to text D14?
Me........I think it is okay for you to try to contact your daughter. I do not know how she will respond or if she will respond at all.
XW......OK, Thanks!!!
I know you know this, but I have found it best to stay out of the way as well. For me, it helps to stay out of the way of XW (whether MLC or not? Likely but I'm not a pro It's the kids that need the help - they never had a choice. Getting yourself right and then working to support the kids... that's about what you can do, right? It is for me.
Thanks for the update and thanks for the thoughts regarding my daughter. I find that it is likely better to take the other approach - distance to let her grow. But she is in a different place than your family. So is my xw. She even surprised me by thinking of somebody other than herself last night. Brief, but good for my kids.
MHL - hang in there. My guess is that things will flip flop in a way that feels painful to you. My reasoning is that your children have a deep need for their mother and vice versa. Once your xw gets on solid ground, she'll find a way to reconnect with the kids and your kids may be like mine and feel guilt for reconnecting. You should not interfere with this, even though you may want to chew your own leg off before letting that happen. It's not about you, it's about them.
I'm just sharing what I've seen in my own life and with others that I've spoken to. Want to point out that there is a long way to go, but know that regardless of what is said or done, your kids will always know what you did for them and will always come back to you at some point - on their schedule and as they are healed. Help them.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
It's the kids that need the help - they never had a choice. Getting yourself right and then working to support the kids... that's about what you can do, right? It is for me. 