I woke up missing STBX for the first time in a while. I was actually tempted to see if she was at work on my way in to work. I resisted and the feeling went away. Then I heard "our song" on the radio while at work. Then our birthdates were the first 2 nubmers when I checked lottery numbers. In the past, all that would have made me break down and contact, but not now.
Just had to get all that out here in my safe place.
Dangerous BTM. Remember our pact. I know it hurts at times and I know that thoughts sometimes pop in but you MUST stay strong on this and not contact. She has made her choice and ONLY she can change it , if thats what you want.
I dont usually do this but I am going to the lumber store and stockpiling 2x4's for you as I hope you do for me.
Besides, Starsky thinks its a "Splendid " idea. That word is not used enough today.
9
BITS M-46 W-42 M-16y T-19 y s10 s15 BombDec.19/09 Sep-F16/10 Sep Papers signed by W- June 30/10 Recon July 5/10 PA foundOut- Oct 30/10 Mental HospNov/10 moved out Nov/10 Leg Sep Mar 15/11
BTM, I have almost the exact same feelings right now about contact. Didn't realize you and 9 had a pact, I think I should join. 9, maybe you could set aside part of a lumberyard
Me 43 W 38 M 5 T 7 SD20 S15, S13 with 1st W ILYBNILWY June 2010 Separation/Bomb July 2010 Divorce Feb 8, 2011
Anything to help a brother. Im not usually good at swinging the lumber though but you are welcome to be part of this. Anytime we show signs of weakening, let the lumber fly. Im sure BTM would also welcome another.
I mean thats what we do anyway here right?
Be strong and follow your call sign. Im beginning to see that time is in fact on our side. I NEVER would have believed that at the beginning of all this as I am not ususally a patient man.
9
BITS M-46 W-42 M-16y T-19 y s10 s15 BombDec.19/09 Sep-F16/10 Sep Papers signed by W- June 30/10 Recon July 5/10 PA foundOut- Oct 30/10 Mental HospNov/10 moved out Nov/10 Leg Sep Mar 15/11
I see you finally reached the breaking point and cast aside your own fog. The truth, while it hurts like hell and destroys dreams, does provide clarity. And once you have clarity you are better equipped to make decisions.
If you remember, I gave up on you a long time ago. It just became too frustrating to observe your masochism and your blind philosophy of thinking you could DB and manipulate her back. The truth is you were DB'ing for her. Everything you were doing was for her and nothing about it was for you -- and that is where you went wrong.
Whether this was a long drawn out plan on her behalf or not is irrelevant. What IS relevant is that YOU chose to continue to allow yourself to be dragged around. While that was happening it didn't matter what people told you or not. Whether they were DB "pro's" or not. The truth is: you were doing whatever you FELT was right and if that didn't work you were blaming others for it. That's not how it works.
Make no mistake, I understand how painful and difficult it has been for you. Can you imagine how painful and difficult it was for others to watch you making the same mistakes over and over again? Then again, let's get this post back to being about you.
If you truly have let go then you should be sitting down and planning your new life.
List out your goals for the next 3, 6 and 12 months.
What are you going to do to:
1) Improve your relationship with the kids 2) Improve your career prospects 3) Improve your health & mental wellbeing. 4) Move on with your life etc...
- List out your goals - Break them down in to smaller steps - Arrange them into a project plan - Implement the project plan.
This is no longer about her, it never has been. It's always been about you and what you want - even if it was not good for you.
M:11 | T:12 | Status: Married 4C's of WAS communication: Cool, Calm, Collected and CONFIDENT
Gnosis - Nice to hear from you. Back when you were around I often knew I wasn't getting it right. Bottom line is - I simply wasn't "there", but now I am.
Regarding the 4 things you mentioned in reference to what am I going to do:
1) My relationship with kids has got better every day since the "truth" came out. It gets better every day without me havign to work that much on it. They see me differently now.
2) My career has gotten better during the last 2 years while all the other stuff was going on. I went from Sales Rep to Asst Sales Manager to Sales Manager to General Sales Manager within the last five years. I have a great shot at being General Manager if I really want to.
3) I am in better physical shape now than at any point in the last few years. I work out regularly, walk almost every day, eat better, take vitamins. I will be 43 this year and can actually see my abs!
4) I am finally learning to get on with my life and GAL more than ever. I still am, at heart, a homebody but even when I am at home I don't just watch tv anymore.
Regarding goals, I have always been a planner and have lots of stuff planned for the future.
I can honestly say that I am more comfotable in my own skin than I have been at any other point in my life.
One thing you may not agree with - it does matter to me that it appears to have been a carefully laid out plan on STBX's behalf. For one reason - to me, it means that no matter what I did, it would not have mattered at all in reference to busting our divorce. One day, that may not matter to me either, but right now it does.
Thanks for stopping by, and thanks for trying so hard way back then. You had every reason to give up on me. I know that now.
- It's good to hear your R with the kids is improving. - Congratulations on the career advancement. - RE: GAL. You're right, don't overdo it. Balance is key.
Quote:
"it does matter to me that it appears to have been a carefully laid out plan on STBX's behalf."
Of course it matters because it is p*ssing you off. Contrary to others opinions I DO THINK anger is good -- as long as you don't let it consume you. IMHO anger is the catalyst that finally gives "nice guys" the conviction to commit their strength and overcome the emotional fog that is clouding their judgment.
M:11 | T:12 | Status: Married 4C's of WAS communication: Cool, Calm, Collected and CONFIDENT
Gnosis - You are bang on. I needed to be angry with her to get anywhere. It's not consuming at all, but I am angry that she purposely mislead me, made my kids keep a secret and made me look like a fool in front of all her staff at the restaraunt. That anger also stops me from wanting to give her stil more chances. The moment I even start to miss her, think "what if", I think about what she actually did and how she ALMOST destroyed me. Then....my fog lifts and I am all better.
Learning and Nine - Just in case the above ever doesn't work, I consider the 3 of us in a no contact pact. The moment any of us thinks about contacting our WAW/STBX, we remember that we have 2 other people to answer to here and to also set an example for. There is strength in numbers.
Learning and Nine - Just in case the above ever doesn't work, I consider the 3 of us in a no contact pact. The moment any of us thinks about contacting our WAW/STBX, we remember that we have 2 other people to answer to here and to also set an example for. There is strength in numbers.
Agreed!
Me 43 W 38 M 5 T 7 SD20 S15, S13 with 1st W ILYBNILWY June 2010 Separation/Bomb July 2010 Divorce Feb 8, 2011
Last night I picked up S17 from work and took him back to the Grand Opening event I was attending. On the way home, we had a very brief talk about the situation. There was really nothing said, but it still got me upset. Being dark certainly helps me to not think about things, but even the mention of STBX and OM can still set me off.
He told me that STBX said "I never hear from your Dad anymore". At least that means she has noticed. He also told me that he never tells her anything about my life, just like he tells me virtually nothing about hers. I actually wish he would tell her some, since I am doing so many things differently than in the past. No biggie though.
When we were still together, STBX was constantly working - literally 60 hours a week. One thing S17 did tell me about her life is that she no longer works Mon - Wed. I guess now that she is openly involved with her Boss/restaurant owner, she doesn't need to be there to see him, and they both would prefer her to be at home since they live in the same apartment building. It's only a matter of time before they move in together. I am preparing myself for that.
I felt that urge for the drug in my veins this morning, and wanted to contact STBX. I don't even understand why. I will keep my pact with Nine and Learning and not do a thing. I am going to do something for her b'day on June 23, which also happens to be the 23rd anniversary of the day we met. I am thinking through a couple of ideas and will present them here for feedback at some point. By then it will have been 2 months since we have seen each other (we had never gone more than a week or so until now) and most likely a month since we will have spoken.
Nine & Learning - on to day 9 of my most recent darkness. Thanks for being my NCB: No Contact Brothers.
