I am starting a new thread (last one was: He left me again).
Even though H took HIS own computer/office stuff last night, I had to come get online today. I have recent news to break that I have been praying for. So this may be a long post, sorry!
I didnt expect it, however after not responding to H all this past week (unless necessary) and by placing boundaries, and being rather distant and unfriendly, and stopping the enabling behaviors. I could tell that H was starting to pursue me more.
I continued this throughout yesterday and it was heart-breakingly hard to do. However; it appeared to work a bit in my favor.
H text me again yesterday to borrow a dresser and schifarobe for his new place, I knew it would be enabling to let him take or borrow them, so I had to be stern and say NO. Right after, He text me and said that he understood and no problem and thanks.
Then he text me about 15 min. later and we had this text conversation:H: It just occured to me that I need to stop drinking becuase it has destroyed my life. I am sorry for the pain I have caused onto you, I am ashamed. Me: I am here for you in any way if you want help with that. I have been going to alanon and some AA meetings myself. Dont be sorry, be proud! H: Thank you for being there. I think I can go cold turkey. Glad to hear your getting help too. Better Late than never I suppose. Me: Good Luck and be strong. If you find yourself struggling please dont be afraid to reach out to me:) I will do anything to help. I will leave you an AA book on the table that you can have to guide you if you want it. H: Ok, thank you for your support, have fun at bowling! Me: Thanks, I will! H (10 minutes later): I think our M is still probably over. It doesnt seem natural anymore. Too much misplaced trust and anger issues. Me: We both have a lot of healing to do. One day at a Time! H: Right. Healing. I need to pray on that. Me: To let go and to Let God is the best thing we can do right now, Take Care! H: You Too!
Sooooo,I know not to get my hopes up too much. This could all be just words. However, I know my H well enough to know that it was heart felt and that he is very down and out right now. I am not pursuing him at all still and will sit back and watch from a distance. Did i handle this situation ok?
I am very happy to see that he did take the AA book from the table when I got home from bowling and only took another few small neccessities fror his office and some clothes, but not everything(and only things that were his).And, he has not given me any paper work yet either. I am taking that as a good sign.
He is a reader, so I imagine the book will be looked at with open eyes, however he is not the type to speak out to others about his problems so I dont see him finding AA meetings anytime soon.
If anyone has suggestions for me as to what to expect or how to DB from here on out, I am all ears. I dont feel like I should be pursing him, but I also dont feel like I need to be using the LRT anymore. Maybe I can be more frindly now??? TIPPER p.s. Today, I also got called back to my old H.S. that I worked at for 8 yrs. for a 1/2 time p.e. teacher position this fall. And unfrotunately we are taking my uncle off life support tonight as he has been in a coma for a week from a severe multiple stroke. This 24 hours , I feel like a yo-yo!
One day at a time...you already are acting as if he IS sober.
His comment about going cold turkey almost guarantees failure anyhow... he's clueless.
He is NOT in a 12 step program.
What you were doing was helping. Why on earth would you change a thing?
See, I don't get that.
When you see the tiniest movement on his end, which comes from you going dark and detaching,
the first thing you want to do is stop what is working...
Stop. Detach. Get on with your life...
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Sorry I havent posted in awhile I had a busy, busy, working weekend. I just don't know what to say anymore...You know my history with alanon, my father, grandfather etc........ Yes 4 generations of alcoholics and suicides....It's not pretty.
I want you take this post.....and really think about it. I'm not trying to be mean but............You need a wake up call.
Your Husband is " playing you " like a violin., As 25 mentioned he is NOT in a recovery program, HE is not sober and thinking straight, He is reeling you back in...Just when you are making progress. It's NOT your job to help him by leaving the AA book, or by encouraging him to seek help.
Please continue on your own Recovery, its gonna take everything you have to work on you, to get a new life and a new perspective, please don't backslide now.
As Jack three beans said....his actions should match his words "ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS " should be your new mantra....
Good Luck P.S. I loved all those people that literally drowned in their bottles, but there comes a point where YOU have to take care of YOU.
He totally was just reeling me back in, and I took the bait.
Unfortunately, not even 24 hours later after his texts and taking the AA book: he text me again and said "I am going to have to return the AA book, it was kind of you". I didnt respond. And as I walked my dog that evening his truck was again at the local bar.The next morning I found the book in my mailbox. He is soooo not ready to get help.
What a sucker I was. I do realize that actions speak louder than words. Thats why I got my hopes up at first when he took the book home to his new house. Only to see his next action was right back to the bottle.
He was playing games with me to see where I was at and if I would be there for him, and I fell for it. I feel like an idiot for texting him and offering help if he wants it. I didnt tell him to take the book, I only offered it as a guide if he wanted to use it. I think when he looked at it (if he even did) he probably hated the truth behind it.
So yesterday, I decided to work on my painting ALL day long. It helped to get my mind off things. And I was pretty impressed with my own progress on my painting. Its too bad its a gift for someone else, I would love to keep it since its coming out so good. But, I wont. I am just happy to have the skills.
Anyways, I am back to the LRT/going dark. This morning in alanon, we talked about our powerlessness over alcohol and it hit home to me. I am truely powerless over him and his problem. I have decided that if he asks to walk the dog or to talk or anything of the sort, I am going to say NO NO NO!!!
He pulled the wool over my eyes, but at the same time: I know that what he said to me in those texts on tuesday must be floating around somewhere in his mind. He may realize he is destroying his life, but he still feels that drinking is more fun. He has not hit his bottom yet. And who knows if he ever will.
I am feeling a bit more empowered now by realizing that he still needs me. I can tell. But, I will not be here for him until he has gotten help. Before, I was wishy-washy on that subject. Not anymore. I dont like being played the fool.
He can have his beer, and I will have a great day/life. After alanon, a few of us members went out to lunch together and it was nice. I am going to go rollerblading at the park tonight with a friend of mine, and work on finishing my painting. I feel so much better just knowing that I have my job back (even though its only part-time) it will be great to work/teach again this fall and possibly get my benefits back.
This weekend I a have a wedding reception for 2 of my friends that I helped get hooked up with out intending to be a match maker. I am so happy for them both. Then on sunday I have a bridal shower for one of H's cousins' fiance. I am giving her the painting cuz she requested one and becuase I am too broke to afford registry gifts. So I better go get to work on it.
I will be back here on sunday night or monday morning to check in to my thread.Have a good weekend all! TIPPER
Please don't feel like an idiot or a sucker.....You recognized the pattern and the behavior that used to keep you stuck in this vicious cycle and YOU broke it
I'm proud of you for sticking to your guns, relying on your program and the support that U get here....I think the blinders are lifting........
Now comes the hard part.looking deep into your soul, finding your own path..a path to Recovery. Have you noticed in your alanon mtgs. that some people have been there for years? Theres a reason for that, once they get healthy they " give back to the program " Whether your alcoholic is active or not, this is a life long journey, a new way to deal with life. Finding gratitude for the small accomplishments and strides that you make Everyday
So glad to see that U are Galing..being more social, and doing your ART WORK, I'm envious there......I cant even paint a wall without making a complete mess!! LOL
My H has been texting me non-stop. I can tell that the LRT has gotten him in a tissy.
These are some of the things he has text me: "I am sorry, but I just dont have what it takes to be sober right now, but I am looking forward to having more self-control". I didnt respond.
"Would you want to come and work for me painting a deck". I said no thanks I am gonna be really busy during this whole month, sorry. He said "No problem I was just looking out for your financial situation". Then I didnt respond back.
"How do you find the strength to be sober?". I didnt respond. "Sometimes I feel like Herculies and sometimes I am my own worst enemy". I didnt respond.
"Are you ok". "I am at 4 ----- st."(his new address). "sorry". I didnt respond to any of those either.
"Im very sorry that I blew up your phone last night. I am not doing as well as I would like to be. I've done it to myself and there is no excuse. Please forgive me". I didnt respond.
"Jimmy ------ (his long term employee that happens to be in A.A.) quit on tuesday morning. No explanation. No notice. Probably becuase I am an alcoholic.IDK, tough times". I didnt respond.
"I cant have my cake and eat it too. Your not gonna be my friend or my wife. Way too painfully complicated. I'm here for you always anyway. Love stinks". I didnt respond.
**** Anyways, I think that by me not responding and him having stuggels being alone he may be starting to see the light a bit. You think??? I know that he is obviously in a lot of pain. I hope I am doing the right thing by not responding to him/going dark.
What do you all think about these texts he is sending me. He is suffering from the illness of alcoholism badly and he just wont get the help needed. I feel so bad for him and it is killing me to not reach out and be a friend and help him and show compassion and tell him I forgive him for his disease.
I am still sticking to LRT. But it is not easy when he is so desperate for help and for me to answer him. WHAT SHOULD I DO??? TIPPER
you do what works. He's panicking and looking at himself...
it IS working.
So, you want to stop it now? B/C you crave being needed?? Wth?
Have some self discipline or you won't teach him a thing.
Seriously, this is SO co-dependent of you. Stop it.
You know better.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
