It's Over

[gucci loafer]

Denver,

Have you gone back and actually STUDIED Jack Three Beans threads?

Do you realize that his wife didn't come back UNTIL he told her he was done? (and meant it)

(1/25/06) Jack’s back?

Well no. Not really, not the way I was…before. Being here was really interfering with my job and duties, and well lets see a single parent needs to keep the source of income they have.

Plus several things were hitting me all at once. I had given up computer games, but I still found myself spending a huge amount of time on the computer, still being a ‘dad’ by default. I had traded my computer game addiction for cruising the boards.

I was having a hard time looking at the amount of time this was going to take. Weeks, months, years? Exactly what example was I showing my boys? The one where love is seen as allowing a person to walk all over you, do what they wish and then you welcome them back with open arms? To that end, how much respect does this gather to me? My wife wouldn’t respect me on that, and my boys? My boys…

This was after he had tried the (just be her friend and let her do whatever she wanted as long as she wanted and take her time routine. (which didn't work)

Jack then posted this:

I found myself a hypocrite. I snooped. I had access to both OM and my W’s email accounts. MY worst fears were realized. After months of not doing anything…I snooped. I can say it is human nature, but, I was a hypocrite. Suggesting what other people should do, but not being able to follow my own advice…

Yes they were lovers, in fact I still believe they are as of this moment. She was writing him things she once had said to me. He was writing her things…well… 50 years ago this story would have a different ending one with a wood chipper and a lye pit.

Pop-eye once said “I’ve had all I can stands and I can’t stands no more!” He would then down a can of slimy spinach and destroy Bluto.

Same as you. Jack had deceived himself from his first post in January of 06 until he finally had found out the truth.. THERE WAS AN OM. AND THEY WERE IN A RELATIONSHIP... It was only THEN that Jack was able to FINALLY make the CORRECT decision which was the BEGINNING of his WAW coming back..

She went to California and Colorado for a month. I knew during this time that OM was going to be with her for 9 days of that time. I was hoping that this was a last fling, a good-bye, we need to stop this sort of thing.

It wasn’t, in my mind, after reading further emails. Nothing was going to change when she got back.

My last resort. The end. Over.The Last Resort has to be real. There is no trick to it. I was done. I WAS DONE. Nothing was surer in my mind. I deserved better than this, my boys deserved better than this.
Lis, told you what I did, but not all of it. I packed up all of her clothes all her incidentals and put them in her storage unit. I started my own bank account and took all of the checking and half of the savings. I knew that I was going to splitting half of my boys life with my wife. I owed them to see what a strong man was, to have the chance to see what a real relationship was, not this farce my marriage had become.

I told my oldest that when mommy came home, that we would not be living together anymore. That this was not about him, we both loved and his brother very much, this was about Mommy and Daddy and we were fighting and hurting each other with words and lying to each other, and adults unlike kids…usually didn’t make up after they fight like we do. When we grow up we lose that somewhere, and maybe we shouldn’t but we do. I spent a lot of time with him, and he took this all well.

Same place as you Denver... Looks over huh?
It wasn't going to EVER turn around UNTIL Jack finally got tough. The proof of that is in the results. Go back and read his thread. I can't believe he isn't actually telling you of this happeing to him. He snooped. Said he was NOT sorry. Didn't apologize. We know that those actions not only didn't ruin his relationship, but were the catalyst to his being SAVED. If he wouldn't have done that he would now be divorced.
Hanging in there BACKFIRES. It only allows cake eating and paiin and lowers your self esteem because you feel WALKED ON.. What kind of progress is that for someone? anyone?

My wife and I talked on the phone. And in Emails. It was horrible. I have an incredible amount of patience, but I was screaming at times, one night I hung up twice on her, and I told her that if I hung up a third time I was pulling the plug. I told her I knew everything and she was mad that I had read the emails, to which I still will not apologize for.

We took a few days off from even trying to talk with each other.

From here to there and back again.

We started talking nicely. I still saw another Lawyer. She was upset but said she understood, she had wanted to see him together, I said ummm No. That Lawyer will be mine, I found one who would be willing to get dirty if it got ugly, that is the one I wanted.

We kept talking nicer, softer with each other.

We paused in our rush to destroying our life together. Or in my mind, jumping off of this cliff edge. My feet were dangling over the edge for me.

I was mad at myself for even wanting to trust her. Trust her with the things she was saying, that sounded exactly like the things she said in Dec. and Jan, and Feb and March and April. I told her this. I asked her if I was a fool, if I was stupid or an idiot for trusting her again, or wanting to. She said no.

She said that if either one was lying to the other now, it was only prolonging this torture.
She said that she walked in my shoes, and realized that she would have done the same things. She said that she still could only see growing old with me. And the worst thing she could say about me, was my absence in the computer.

This isn't unusual Denver. It is the norm of what happens when a man finally tells a woman who is cake eating.. ENOUGH. I am done. It doesn't have to be mean. Just firm and with resolve.

Denver, I have been doing this for going on 30 years. You need to get STRONG with her and let her finally believe you may be DONE with the whole thing. What you have been doing isn't working for you any better than it did for Jack Three Beans when he was too nice. It doesn't work Denver. When a woman says she wants space, it is ALWAYS best to not only give them space, but to ALLOW them to think that maybe, just maybe they have TAKEN up too much space and overdone it... IT is human nature..

It was ONLY when Jack finally PULLED the plug and allowed her to FEEL IT AND BELIEVE it that she drifted back WITHOUT him asking for it.....

Be wise.... Hanging in there rarely works. Rarely. It isn't working for you and hasn't been working. Try another approach.
You are being wishy washy. Wishy washy is VERY UNATTRACTIVE..

The truth is that your wife will secretly respect you for not sharing. BANK on it.



[edited by dbmod to add note: 'Hanging in there' works for many folks and isn't wishy/washy or unattractive. What 'works' is different for many different people.]