It's Over

[ericmsant2]

Denver

I want to take some time to think about everything that you said.

Take as much time as you need Denver. The actions that you are pursing right now will have an impact on your life FOREVER. How they impact your life is really up to you and not anything that you should rush into.

And I acknowledge much of what you said about me taking responsibility for my role and my actions.

You know Denver, I used to say the same thing. I used to tell or better yet post that I was controlling, I was jealous, I was this, I was that. What I can tell you is that it took a tremendous amount of energy to really feel my role in the demise of my M. Let me not kid you, most people will acknowledge their role on the surface. They will not come to look and feel it from your spouses perspective. IF they did, many would not rush to file. They would understand the true impact of the actions they took. I for one, had to spend many a nights crying myself to sleep. Was I beating myself up…yeah a bit…but it was something I needed to go through. Something I needed to feel to make ME realize where I failed and where I needed to change. Not to get my W back…nah…she was busy f*cking her boss. Nope…I needed…no…WANTED to make these change in ME. Not for her. Nope. Initially yes, the changes were for her..but as I peeled back the layers of my role in the M, the more I realized just how fu*ked up I was. The more I realized just how controlling I was. The more I realized that I did not understand unconditional love. When that realization came, I was able to forgive myself and her. Was I still angry…Ayep. Do I sometime still get angry? Yep. BUT I can say, that I came to understand my behaviors and therefore I was able to change them.

So Denver, can you feel how you were controlling? Do you understand what controlling really is in an R? Oh, and for the record, saying to your W that she will NOT be a part of your life while she is fu*king someone is NOT controlling – that Denver is a boundary. TELLING HER SHE CANNOT fu*k someone else, especially given the sitch you are in is CONTROLLING.

But what you said about this not happening on my timeline?

Just so that you know I work for an Investment Management company…do you know the market usually does not work on my timeline. I mean chit I wanted to short a few names but the market moved against me. What I found I needed to do…was not set a timeline…but look at the overall condition of the market and do what I FELT best for my clients. So, what is best for YOU and YOUR W? And don’t tell me for her to come home right now. That Denver would be your ego speaking. What may be good for BOTH of YOU….is TIME. But then again, you must give up control in order to accept that things will happen when and if they are suppose to happen. FTR, my lawyer reminded me of this not to long ago…..She said, “Eric there is a process, and the process will happen at the time the process will happen”. This was really hard to grasp as a former control freak.

I know that you and others who have said that are right.

How do you know I am right? What leads you to think that I am right? I am after all just a Rican from NY. That said, I think I am right….but do you know why you feel that I am right? Answer this for yourself.

But at what point do you take action to jar your WAS into doing some real thinking and reflection themselves?

<insert picture of ericmsant2 standing in a crowed room>…”hi I want to introduce myself, my name is Eric and I am a control freak”. You see I want to “JAR” (replace with force, manipulate, etc) my STBXW into doing what I WANT HER TO DO WHEN I WANT HER TO DO IT. Does this seem a little controlling to you Denver?

BTW, I WANT YOU DENVER TO FLY TO CT and COME VISIT ME…RIGHT NOW…THIS VERY second. No I don’t care about what you feel…I want what I want and I want it now. HOW does this sound Denver? What is difference between this ^^^^ and your quote?

At what point are they to do that?

WHEN and IF they decide to do it. You see Denver, your W is living her life. She is doing things on HER terms and that buddy pisses you off. Right? Hmmm…I guess so. I mean are we not all responsible for our own actions? Are we not all responsible to live the way we want to live? I say yes. That said, I Denver, made a choice…to live my life a certain way and to let my W live hers the way she saw fit. I did not want a divorce and DID not file. Why? Cause honestly dude, when I became real with myself I realized that SHE gave me much more time….than I was giving her. I did not file because I was not ready to. I did not file because I had people smacking me upside the head helping me to see, that what I wanted was my M back…and I wanted my life. Let her go Denver….Work and focus on YOU. Stop looking at her. Stop expecting her to all of sudden snap out it. Oh…and if you think the divorce threats will work….your wrong. They only show her that you continue to be a controlling pric*. No, I say distance yourself, heal, work on yourself, protect yourself and leave her the f alone………………..FOR NOW.

But are we suppose to wait forever?

AND what would her answer be if I asked her? What If I Iasked her how long she waited for you to change? What would she say? That aside, her answers should not change yours. IF this helps……

I stood waiting for mine for almost 2 years. FTR, she gave me 18 years.

Another way to look at it….how much do you really love her? You say you do? BUT do your actions support that? Hmmm…….

This is my confusion. Where I am stuck.

You are stuck because YOU are here ONLY to get her BACK. When you stop focusing on getting her back on YOUR timeline…you will begin to unstuck yourself.

What is it that you want Denver? How much are you willing to pay for it? The price should NOT be your soul….or your man card. No…but what would a real man do in this sitch? What type of man does Denver want to be. ONCE again, I am not saying that you should allow her to come home and f*ck the next door neighbor while you watch. No – clear boundaries buddy.

I’ll tell ya what I would do….if I sooooooo loved this women…..I would pour a large glass of STFU (shut the F up), start to figure out what things about myself I do not like…(like maybe being controlling, which is really you holding YOURSELF hostage), start changing them, start healing, living my life and IF and WHEN the time comes, show her the man you have become. Oh…and I sure as hell would not set a timeline. The time will come when it comes…but then again, I’m not controlling anymore.

And much of it is right

F right! I’m here because DB is a way of life buddy. I saved myself and for this….I can honestly thank my wife.

My pride, my ego, my pain... all very large within me right now.

Pride has a time and a place as does ego. For example, I pride myself at the work that I do. I do not let my pride stop me from saying sorry, I do not let my pride force me into a corner.

I DON'T know what to do.

Control freak lesson # 2….when you do not know what to do, and do not HAVE to do something….well then DO NOTHING. You see, sometimes doing nothing is doing something. But if you want to control everything you will not see it that way. You will see yourself as a victim, see yourself helpless. That buddy is the control freak in you that you are fighting. Man, once you let it go….you are FREE……..AND here is the cool thing….so is EVERYONE ELSE In your LIFE…Including YOUR W. She is now free to make the choice that she wants to make AND that choice Denver COULD BE YOU.

Did I make a mistake yesterday? BAckslide? Maybe. I am human. It doesn't diminish the work that i have done. Nor does it take away from what I have learned about myself. At least IMO.

No it does not Denver….BUT the fact that you felt the need to point it out tells me that you probably have an issue with always feeling the need to defend yourself. A bad habit that often times gets us into sitch that we wished we were not it. FTR, I am not saying to never defend yourself…No…what I am saying is that HOW you do it is what matter most.

For example….say your W comes to you and says that you were wrong for driving by her house and spying on her. If you respond with you are right BUT I wanted to see if you were seeing someone else. Well that may not be the best way to defend yourself. Can you see why?

Denver, I want everything in your life to work out. These things take time, they take work…a lot of work. Are you up for it? Can you push aside the ego?

Can you tell your friend co-worker, everyone to mind their fuc*ing business? Can you make a choice today….to stop controlling chit? Can you make a choice today to stop trying to manipulate?

If you can promise yourself to stop these behaviors today….well then you have a lot of work to do next.

Let me know what you decide….

Some others may be able to tell you how to reach me….

You got this dude….stop defending your need to control. Stop saying you hear the advice but do the opposite….just stop….

And….

Think about your W……

Think about why you are here….

Think about what YOUR goals are……

Then breath…and do nothing tonight….just think…..

For better or for worse….

Give it everything you have Denver…..you will not regret it! That my friend I can promise you.

God Bless,
Eric