Haven’t seen a thread grow this quickly since my early days when something was actually happening in my own sitch.
Denver you are getting hit from all sides tonight and I doubt I will add anything that will offer any comfort to you right now. DMOD called it right. You will get plenty of opinions and ideas and sure enough it has happened. I just want to offer you some support and I hope you find some level of peace among the chaos. I am mostly going to ask questions that I believe should be addressed.
I hear a lot of talk about YOU and what YOU need to do and how YOU should look in the mirror and how YOU contributed to your own fall and how YOU should not have gone over there and how YOU should not have confronted OM and the like.
Here is thing that I take issue with.
While there is little doubt that you have played a role in all of this from the beginning there are two people here that play a role not one.
Do I see controlling? I don’t know that I see controlling as much as I see a person unwilling to be trampled by another person’s actions. Let’s not kid ourselves here, their actions DO affect us and no matter how hard we would like for that not to be the case, well it just simply is.
Will you get to a point that it will not? I believe we all will. It is called the end. It is called peace and an acceptance.
You know when you are detached? When they give you hope and it does not matter. Does that mean you love your W any less? I don’t think so. It just means that you are perfectly content with living your life without them in it. At that point any decision you make towards reconciliation is based on just that a decision not a feeling. Is it worth it to you to want to try again because you DON”T have to.
What I wrote on your thread is specific to you. I would not post that on 9 or country KM or karma but in your case I believe it to be true.
Why?
Because their W’s have made it clear that they are not working on anything and that they are seeing OM. They have chosen the tough road and for that I respect them immensely. Your W has not taken that approach. She has given a very clear indication that she is skeptical but that she is peeking and that R with OM is stopped completely until she figures things out. That has been her approach and her stance so I take exception to the fact that it is ok or that somehow you should back off because you don’t have the right to question the current events.
I understand some of the stuff I am saying is not popular and goes against some of the values we profess here on the DB site. I am not excusing any bad behavior on your part. What I am saying is that every sitch and every person has a limit that they should not cross and you have to decide where that is for you. In time I believe you will.
At this point all this is, is information for you to read when your head clears and I hope I am not adding to the confusion. You made a statement to your W and now you have to decide whether you are going to back it up or not. Here is the problem with backing it up. You could end up D. Here is the problem with not backing it up. Your credibility is shot and you could end up D anyways.
Our WAS are not in a fog, at least not all of them. That is a simple term we use to justify their actions while we sit here suffering their actions. We use it as a crutch to hold on, to excuse and to forgive. They are grown a$$ people who make decisions that affect not only their lives but the lives of those around them. In your case SS if prob the most affected.
She can blame you all she wants but in the end it is her choices that will determine the outcome.
Where do you come in?
Well you will either bail or stand. There really is no two ways about it. Bailing requires you to say F it and move on. Of course you are IMHO nowhere near the point of making that decision. Standing requires you to completely change your approach from what you have been doing and I believe what has happened is a perfect opportunity for you to do it.
See loving your W does not require you to stand by as she sleeps with OM. Not at all, but it does require a certain level of behavior modification that for the most part does not come natural in these types of circumstances. You can hate the action but continue to love the person. It isn't that they can't see the solution. It's that they can't see the problem.
Oh yeah the questions huh?
Well it is simple really
Why is it ok?
Why should anybody sit by and allow anyone else to determine their happiness?
Why is it that some walk and some don’t when faced with the same problems?
Where does your feelings and the damage they have caused come into play?
Why is it up to one and not both?
You can only work on you. I get that.
You can only control what you have done. I get that also.
In order to correct anything you FIRST have to look in the mirror and I don’t mean accuse yourself of all your shortcomings and blame yourself for all your marital woes because that is horse dung.
See we ALL have needs in a M and in the beginning we filled each other’s needs. We were happy. Then life happened and we got busy. Soon we stopped doing the little things that mattered to our spouse and the needs began to stop being filled. At this point you have 3 options:
1. Accept your lot in life and live miserably ever after
2. Separate/Divorce because you have reached the end of your rope
3. Take an active approach to see why your M is falling apart and start to address that. It is hard for one spouse to love the other one in a way that is important to them and the other spouse reject them.
This is the part I believe our WAS was missing. The books were there before the separation. The seminars were there. It is called solution based approach and WE ALL had an opportunity to take part in it. You know loving someone does not require for them to love us back. I know this sounds counterproductive but it is true. We do it with our kids all the time. I can’t tell you how many times my D hates me on a daily basis. I love her. The madder she becomes the more I try and love her. You know what happens? She ends up loving me back. This does not mean I let her get away with murder to make her happy it is in the way I handle her that shows that I love her.
Are grown ups In a R/M any different?
I don’t think so. Sure our W’s decided it was time to seek happiness elsewhere and some of us where shocked when it happened but at the end of the day everyone has a choice to make regarding the R. Your W has made it clear that she understood she had you on a string and felt pretty secure you were groveling for her. Are you? Is that a healthy M? Is that even a healthy friendship?
My opinion still stands from before. I don’t think you should file anything right now. Decisions based on anger carry guilt. You don’t need that on your conscience but you also don’t need to be pawn in someone else’s chess game.
Your decisions have caused you great pain her actions have caused you to change now let your actions inspire her to change as well.
I leave you with this prayer and I hope you find some peace today and in the coming weeks.
Dear Lord Thank you for blessing me with special people To comfort me throughout my life Today I am asking you to comfort one of these special people This dear person is in pain The kind only you can take away As I send up this prayer Please comfort my friend And in your own unique way Let them know you are there
I know you are not a very religious person. But I hope it offers some peace.
