It's Over

[Denver_2010]

Bottom line? I am done. Barring a miracle, my marriage is over.

Actually you are correct Dever…the OLD M is DEAD, over, kaput, done, finito. That said, a NEW M or R can emerge and must. BOTH OF YOU caused the old M to die. Not just HER Denver you too.

Me: 'Man, you are destroying a marriage, a family... why don't you be a man and do what is right?'

This comment…up there ^^^^ struck me Denver…I will tell you why in a sec.

You may think that you are in love with my wife, but she is still my wife.

Yes Denver she is YOUR wife…not YOUR property though. A big difference. You see, right now you want what you cant have. Right now YOU want things YOUR way! Typical controlling behavior if you ask me. Is it right that your W is f*cking someone else? NO – No f*cking way…have you asked yourself WHY she is doing this? IF so, have you given it the time, effort and energy that SHE gave the M? Hmmm….

I am not your possession and you lost me fair and square while you f'd with my heart for 8 years. You have a lot of nerve."

Actually it looked like she agreed with me….. “f’d with my heart for 8 years. Did you Denver? Did you mess with her heart for EIGHT loooooonnnnngggg years?

and the thing is Denver, a part of me agrees...meaning, you have painted yourself into a corner with the insistent threat/promise/declaration that it was over now.

Isn’t pride a b*tch. Ya know, what 25 said was spot on.

I was actually very careful to avoid violating any laws, at least technically.

Technically? Ya gotta be kidding me. Do you mean to tell me that you are here trying to save your M (actually you should be trying to save yourself but I’ll get to that later) and you are going to use the EXCUSE of “technically”.

You know Denver, I was really going to pick apart you entire thread to show what I see but first let me start by asking you a simple question.

Do you still love your W?

Actually make that a few questions….

Do you still love her enough to forgive the affair?

Did you make any mistakes in your M? If so, how long did you W ask you to change albeit directly or via her actions? Seriously, how long? Could you be honest and say that she asked you many many times? If so, do you think that maybe she deserve the same from you? That being TIME?

Have you read the DB book? Do you fully understand what detachment is?

You say that you will not have an open M, while at the same time you say you love her unconditionally. What does unconditional love mean to you? Oh, and FTR it does not mean that you sit around and watch her f*ck someone else. At least not in my book…but what does unconditional love mean to you?

Okay Denver, let me stop beating around the bush here and tell you what I see….

I see a man that is angry and pissed the f off. I see a man that wants to control the sitch. I see a man that has done some work and now feels that the time has come that his W snap her a*s back to reality and accept that he has changed and is sorry. I see a man that is frustrated by his stich. I see a man that has not let go. I see a man that is sitting whining a moaning about his sitch. I see a man that honestly comes across as better than his wife. That’s right…I said it..err..wrote it..I think you think you are better than her.

I see you playing the victim. I see you making changes ONLY to get her back and when she did not or has not responded the way you WANT, well then you throw somewhat of a fit. I see a man that is pissed.


I see a man so angry (oh and I understand why you feel this way) that his actions and his decision are driven by his anger and NOT by his love (oh…and love also includes tough love, clear boundaries, and holding someone accountable for their actions). I see a man that is so hurt, yet says he is done. Denver, you and your wife aint done. You are not done by a long shot. FTR, usually when someone is really done they do not announce it. Oh…and all of this is over when YOU say it is. The question you should ask yourself is HOW do you want this to end….cause you may not know it now but you do control HOW this goes.

Denver, I have seen a lot in my time on the boards and what I see so often is people that begin to do work on themselves and then get pissed off when the spouse does not recognize it the timeline that THEY EXPECT.

You keep pushing her, you keep throwing in her face that you are going to file. That Denver is control. That Denver is being a spoiled child who is pissed that he is not getting his way. That Denver is NOT a man that I think you would aspire to be.

You may think I am being an as* and you may be saying to yourself who the f*ck is this guy. If you are, I will answer you….1) I am not trying to be an as* - I really want to help you and 3) I am a 41 year old guy that learned so much about myself and about R’s that I want to help you save YOU and God willing your M.


FTR, you do not even have to respond to this post….What I would like you to do is this….

Stop for a second and step outside of the anger.

Think about you for a second….

Stop for a second and put your male pride aside…just for a second. FTR, I am not one that suggest that you put your pride aside forever…

Stop for a second and do not think about OM

Stop for a second and do not try and control the sitch, your wife, your emotions,

Just stop….for a day…..

Stop thinking about your M

Stop thinking about how fu*ked up the whole sitch is

Stop thinking about her actions of late

Stop thinking about OM and Lord knows that is some seriously touch chit to deal with man. It really is. So please know that my heart does go out to you.

Stop thinking about reconciliation, divorce, the whole legal shebang that follows these type of sitches

Stop thinking about everybody that post to you

Just stop….and

Ask yourself a few question…..

Do you love your wife and I mean really love her?

Do you think that YOU can forgive her for her transgressions?

Do you want her back?

What role did YOU play in this and I mean really what role?

Do you want to stop feeling like chit?

Who Denver do you want to be?

What kind of man do you want to be Denver?

What does that man look like to you?

Answer these questions for yourself Denver…..

Answer them when you are no longer angry….

I have been where you are Denver…. I have three children that mean the world to me.

I have been on the receiving end of knowing that my wife was f*cking her supervisor. I know the pain well.

I have sat in the victim chair. I have had those pity parties and Oh….have I been angry..so angry…an anger that consumed me for a LONG TIME…..

Then….Denver….

Then I finally started to ask myself the real hard questions….

I started to do the real hard work….

I started to understand that something that took a long time to break was NOT going to be fixed IN MY TIME.

I started to understand that I could NOT impose MY will on someone else.

I started to feel free Denver….

Things cleared up….

I accepted my role in this….I forgave myself….

I forgave my W….Denver….

I forgave her for me Denver not for HER…

My friends never understood, fu*k some still don’t Denver….but….

But…Denver…I found what was the greatest gift I could have ever received….

I found Me….I found who I wanted to be Denver….

I found that I was a victim if I allowed MYSELF and OTHERS to view me that way.

I found Denver, that a man will make tough choices and stand by those choices…

I found Denver that a man will make choice after taking his TIME….

TIME Denver….

TIME…..

You got this IF YOU WANT IT.

Your choice buddy…..

You have some of the best people I know posting to YOU….listen to them Denver….

Oh, and the comment above (the second quote)....ya know what struck me about the comment Denver? The OM, did not cause the break up - he did not destroy the family or M. You and Your W did! Focus on YOUR ROLE and FIX those issues Denver - for YOU...not for YOUR W.


God Bless,
Eric

Thank you Eric. I want to take some time to think about everything that you said. So much of it hit me as I was reading it. And I acknowledge much of what you said about me taking responsibility for my role and my actions. I have acknowledged those things in the past too. But what you said about this not happening on my timeline? That is where I am lost. I know that you and others who have said that are right. I do. But at what point do you take action to jar your WAS into doing some real thinking and reflection themselves? At what point are they to do that? We cannot dictate that. But are we suppose to wait forever? This is my confusion. Where I am stuck.

I do not think that you were being an a$$hole. I think that you are telling me how you see it. And much of it is right.

Do I love my W? Yes.

Do I love her enough to forgive her for what has happened, and continues to happen apparently?

If you ask me later ... once it is all said and done.. the answer is probably yes.

Right now... it is hard for me to say that. My pride, my ego, my pain... all very large within me right now.

So, taking your thoughts on my actions yesterday as true, I f'd up. I have distanced my W from me.

What do I do now?

Do I contact her? Do I apologize? Do I tell her to take all the time and space in the world and F whoever she wants?

I DON'T know what to do.

Most of the advice has been to cut off contact. Detach.

Where is that going to get me?

Me? I honestly do feel that I am a better me than I was before I came here. Better than I ever was before W left me. In fact, I have no doubt about that.

Did I make a mistake yesterday? BAckslide? Maybe. I am human. It doesn't diminish the work that i have done. Nor does it take away from what I have learned about myself. At least IMO.

But what do I do now?

That is the question.

Denver