It's Over

[Denver_2010]

I want to thank everyone who took the time to read my last update and especially those who sent me words of support and advice. I know that to do that took a lot of time and thoughtfulness.

I'm going to respond to some of the things that stood out to me. I apologize if I don't respond to your post specifically. There is lots of good stuff here.

First, I want to clarify that OM is not 19 years old. It was a smarta$$ comment I made to OM when confronting him to say 'grow up and be an adult'.

Second, I do not regret what I did yesterday. I know there were a few of you who pointed out that I had no right to go into her personal space. I get that and I agree. But I don't regret it. I was actually very careful to avoid violating any laws, at least technically. Yes, it was a violation of her personal space, but she has violated our M. Justified? I don't know. But it provided me with information that I needed and was not getting from her... at least not in a straight forward way.

Third, W tried to suggest that she did not have sex with OM, and I think it was Cat who said that I assumed a lot based on what I found. I do not completely discount the possibility that he stayed the night and they did not have sex. Of course that is possible. But for me, it really doesn't matter. OM stayed the night. I'm not going to try and minimize this knowledge by saying, 'oh well, maybe nothing happened'. It simply doesn't matter. If it didn't that night, it will on another, or maybe it did last week while I was out of town. I think that it's safe to assume that her PA will resume if it hasn't already.

Fourth, I do not regret confronting OM. In fact, this was an opportunity that I never thought I'd have. Whether or not my M reconciles, I will always know that I got to say my peace to him. And I will always remember the pathetic look on his face and he sat on that toilet and listened to me lecture him like a child. My W can be p!ssed at me all that she wants for this as well. She will either get over it and recognize that she would have done the same thing most likely, which I told her yesterday without response, or she won't get over it. In which case, she can have OM and I am better off.

Fifth, thanks to all of those who said that I handled it well. I think that I did. You never know how you will respond to a situation such as this until you are actually in it. I guess my handling of it can somewhat be credited to the many times that I imagined what I would do if I had this confrontation. So I was prepared. Did I want to clock him or kick him off the toilet and beat the living sh!t out of him? Yes. It briefly crossed my mind too. And I might have had he been even remotely aggressive or defensive with me. He was just pathetic.

So, with all of that said, here are some specific responses:

Based on the end of the convo, clearly your W is not done.

You said over and over that you are, but TBH, I don't buy it.

You said all of this just happened today.

Take some real time and think about it.

I think that you are right Country. W is not done. I felt some real concern on her part that I was serious about being done.

Me? I don't know yet. I felt done yesterday, but was beginning to soften even as the day wore on. I go back and forth today. I am going to follow the advice that you and others have given me to give it some time.

Sometimes we have to have these kinds of conversations to move forward - in either direction. It's ok, you did well.

Thank you Calystra. Your words struck me. I think that this is very true. I had another friend tell me:

"What happened had to happen. The puss must come out of a wound before it can heal."

I think that this is along those same lines.

Just wanted to let you know that I've been thinking about you all night and praying for you.
The kind of pain your feeling right now I wouldn't wish on anyone.
Just please, try to take this time to focus on you. I know, KNOW how hard that is to do when we're hurting.

I'd take away your pain if I could.

(((Hugs)))

DG - Your post made me cry. Not sure why. Thank you so much for caring.

I do want to suggest that you really go back and read what your W said to you.
Then go back and read your threads. All of them.
Your W, was very honest and blunt about her thoughts and feelings. And she has every right to feel that way.
You are still trying to control her.

Cat, I know that I have spoken of loving my W unconditionally on a number of occasions. I do love her, still do. And ultimately, I want her to be happy. With or without me. Am I trying to control her? I don't think so Cat. I am simply saying to her that I will not be in an open M. Here's the deal. She wants to take time and space. Okay I'm fine with that. She wants to continue to have me in her life to some degree. She wants to do things together occasionally. BUT, she wants to date OM. I'm not okay with that. I can't do it. I told her this yesterday and failed to mention it in my update. It was part of the telephone conversation.

W said, "you are focusing so much on OM and I don't understand why"

Me: "I don't care about OM. He doesn't matter. It wouldn't matter if it were some other guy. I can't continue to be in your life knowing that you are dating anyone. It is too painful for me. It is not about OM, it is about you. The idea of YOU being with someone else is too painful for me. And it's because I love you so much that I can't stand the idea of it. I can't do it W."

Basically what I'm saying is that this is too painful for me. I'm not trying to control her, I'm just saying that I'm removing myself from the equation. This is the same thing that I told W yesterday when she was accusing me of trying to control her. I guess I can see why it is being perceived by W like this, but it is simply me protecting myself from pain that I can bear.

You are NOT showing unconditional love right now. You are not showing the "new" Denver it doesn't seem.

Hmmm... I guess that I don't see unconditional love to mean that I let myself be kicked in the head over and over Cat. I mean, what if this went on for 5 years and I put up with it for that long, showing W unconditional love? Would I be wrong at that point to say enough is enough? That I have gone through enough pain and can't do it anymore.

I see it as I am giving her what she wants, space, time and freedom to do whatever it is she wants. I'm not saying that I don't love her bc of it. I'm simply saying that I need to protect myself.

I'm not trying to argue with what you are saying Cat. I admit that I am lost here. I hurt and I feel that the pain of W having OM in her life is too much. At least too much to remain as an active part of her life.

I see impatience, frustration, anger, control, self pity, and I also see you making threats that I don't know if you want to keep.

I said that I would be filing for a D once or twice yesterday. I regretted saying those words before I even posted my update yesterday bc I know that I pained myself into a corner. I'm not sure how I'm going to handle that, but I do know that I'm going to take some time before I do anything. My threat to remove myself from the equation? From her life for now? I absolutely mean that. I don't want any part of what she is doing now.

Impatience, frustration, anger, self pity??? Yes to all of it. I know. But the OM is just a factor that I cannot deal with. I won't. Yes my emotions are getting the better of me. But I can't deny them either.

were wrong in going into her house. Gutty feeling or not. It is NOT your house, and you don't own her. You don't know what, if anything happened or didn't. You made assumptions and jumped to conclusions after you violated her right to privacy and security.

I know that it was wrong. Like I said above, I don't regret it though. It was something that I needed to do. Assumptions and conclusions? Really Cat? Do you really think that I should hang my hat on the idea that NOTHING happened? I don't.

I'm sorry, I'm just frustrated. There is no clear answer to any of this and as I said, I'm lost right now.

Cat, thank you again for taking the time to keep up with me. I am obviously frustrated.

IMHO you need to stop all contact. The ball is in your court. You have the control. If she texts you, no matter how crazy, don't respond. Let her wonder what your next move is. You told her you would file, so let her stew on that. You don't need to explain anything.

Control Bond? Not sure how I have control right now or how the ball is in my court. Either way, I am leaning towards letting her stew and wonder what my next move is.

Let her experience that and feel what it might be like for real to not have DENVER or the possiblity of not having Denver.
She is a little scared in my opinion that you are done with her and is now losing all the power that you gave her and continue to do.

BE calm, be patient, be dark.

And this. My W needs to feel what life will be like without the 'new' Denver. The Denver that has been loving, attentive and caring for the past 3 months. I am shutting the gates to that Denver.

Everyone here has hit you with bricks. I'm not. I'm going to commend you on your boundary. Your NUT.

Thanks Faith. I think that it was time for me. You and some others have encouraged me to do this for some time now. I didn't think that it was quite time. What happened yesterday, IMO, gives me the 'right' to now be p!ssed and to stand up for myself. Bc it can no longer be justified by how I was in the M. Like I told my W yesterday, in February, when W told me about her A, I swallowed my pride, put my ego aside, recognized my role in causing that A, and made the decision to move on. This renewed A is not justified, it is cake eating. It is W taking advantage of knowing that I love her and want her to come back. It is W deciding that she is going to take advantage of the fact that we are still separated... take advantage by 'taking' while she can... to live her life for herself while she can.

I believe in my heart of hearts that W knows, or at least knew up until yesterday, that she was ultimately going to come back to our M. But I think that she decided that she would use this time that we are still separated as a kind of vacation that she may never get again. A vacation from the responsibilities of being a W... of being committed... of not being able to do whatever the F she wants to do.

That is NOT excusable in my book. It just isn't. Yes, I F'd our M up. I am at least 80% responsible for it. I recognize it, I own it, and I have apologized a million times for it. AND, I also recognize that W isn't going to heal from it overnight. But like I told her yesterday, she does NOT need to date OMs to process her feelings, her hurt and her emotions. Please correct me if I am wrong.

You now have the high ground and the TRUE gift of time.

Can you elaborate Faith? I don't see how I have the advantage here. The high ground? Do I? Is that different than having control or having the ball in my court?

Her words? It's all true, but she wouldn't have opened up and said them like this any other time until YOU busted it wide open.

Yes. As my friend said, the puss must come out of the wound before it can heal. My W's wounds sure have a lot of puss though.

Yeah, you have to be careful about laws and your actions, but I can say without a doubt I would have done the EXACT same thing if I were in your shoes. I'm not condoning your bad behavior, but it happened and it's over with. I understand. Now what?

I think that many, if not most, people would have done exactly what I did yesterday. I do not regret it and I would do it again if I had to repeat yesterday. Laws and my actions? I tried to be as careful as I could, but hell, I wouldn't regret it even had my W called the cops... even had I been charged with trespassing or harassment of OM (neither of which I believe that I am technically guilty of BTW)... It would have been worth it to me. Sorry. That is just how I feel.

I think this needed to happen and it did happen for a reason.

I think so too Faith.

My advice:

You laid out the boundary; now quit interacting with her. Take this gift of time to just disappear for awhile and let her wonder what you are going to do. Don't initiate anything yet. I agree with setting your countdown back to 90 and disappear for awhile. Any communication with her right now will be pointless and NOT good.

Something else to think about...put yourself in her shoes. You walked into her secret place and literally caught her eating cake while her other hand was up to her elbow in the cookie jar. Wouldn't you be pissed off too at being caught in such a humiliating moment? See a junkie shooting up and you take away their needle and RUIN their high? They are NOT going to be happy.

Give her and, most importantly, YOURSELF space and time. Let the dust settle. 90 days Denver.

That is my plan Faith. Even as I am responding to all of these posts, it is becoming more clear to me.

Go out and date

I have to admit that I am strongly considering this as well. I have done my best to be the better person for 6 months. To stand for my M through hell and high water. I'm beginning to feel more and more that it is time for me to begin to look out for myself and my own happiness.

BITS
Denver