"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
I didn't think everyone was tossing 2x4s so much as saying Nooooo as in, stop!
And that's where it is.
Except that he did say he'd file and it was over...A lot...so he has a choice to make about saying that so often.
Everyone seems to agree that no contact is mandatory.
Denver if you are taking a poll, that's how the numbers seem to add up.
But in the end, it't your life.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
So Denver I have been reading along for most of the day just taking in all the wise people on this board. You are truly blessed to have such great support. I have my own take and although I can pull from a lot of the post that have already spoken I will add my own words to the mix.
Where do I begin?
I am not going to accuse you of doing something I have thought about doing on many occassions so there is no reason to harp on it.
You know somehow as LBS we are suppose to put on the happy face we are suppose to smile to be the better person and accept things as they are. My question then is.......To what end? Do you lose yourself in the process? Do you put aside your morals and principles in order to achieve your goal? Is that a happy M?
Assuming you do save your M those feelings you've had to suppress for so long do they disappear?
TBH I would have clocked the guy.
Not the right answer I know but that would have been my reaction. I think you handled yourself well.
The whole argument about going over to her house……….
Well I am not sold on that.
It is like a cop walking into a house seeing a dead body but he can't say anything because he had no warrant or the evidence was attained illegally. Does that eliminate the dead body?
Your W has been cake eating.
She has said one thing and done another.
AND
She knows exactly what she is doing.
DB has saved my sanity and the support and friendships I have gained because of this site will last a life time to me but I don’t think DB and having a boundary you will not cross should work against each other.
50% of M ends in D. Does that mean that the other 50% don't have any problems? That is insane. Of course they do. So why does one set make it and the other doesn't? Value system maybe?
You talk about unconditional love. Actually you were one of first posters that I read talk about what it meant?
Does that mean you lay down on the tracks as she drives over you?
If a woman who is constantly beaten in a R not allowed to leave because then she will be accused of not having unconditional love? Is lying and infidelity any different?
No some can come on and say "you don't know what was going on so it is pointless to guess" yes I suppose this is true since you don't have a video camera but common sense has to come into play here at some point.
IMHO I say it is time to cut the rope forget dropping it burn it and walk away. No threats no talk only action.
DO NOT FILE FOR A D unless you are serious and you are not serious at least not yet. Give this time to sink in your head.
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you'll ever regret.
Look I have followed you since day one.
I'll be the first to tell you.
You were an A-hole same as me in the M.
Ok
Nothing you can do about that you have owned it.
Now does that mean that your W should come running to you with joy?
No.
But this is another layer or manipulation that you will have to deal with or not. Only you can decide that.
She has you on a string and she knows it so is time for Denver to take back control here and this is the perfect chance to do it. You have been given a very good chance to STOP chasing and move away.
The count said it best. My opinion mirrors his. I think she will panic when you leave I think she will be shocked that you have taken back control and that she has lost it.
At this point YOU can decide if you want to save this thing or NOT.
But
If you do, do it for the right reasons. Neither one of you is ready for any kind of R/M right now because neither one has healed and she has not dealt with her issues.
I know I know she is perfect and she did everything right. They all were. We are the monsters here. BS my man BS!
You want to know why she is pi$$ed!!! It has nothing to do with the fact that you went to her house. She is pi$$ed because she got caught. Plain and Simple…………
I am soooooooooooooooooooooo against D that it is crazy but you know what I am also against emotional abuse and this is exactly what this has turned out to be.
Enough is Enough.
Restore some personal pride because at the end of the day you have to be able to look yourself in the mirror and she will never respect you if you keep dragging yourself through the floor for her.
BOTH parties contributed here not one.
My brother and SIL have been together for 40yrs and M for over 30yrs. I can write a book about his indiscretions throughout the M. Still going strong!! You know why? Commitment……
Your W is not in a fog any more than I am a saint but she has taken advantage of the sitch to benefit her.
Is she hurt? You bet
Does she have a right to be? You bet
Can she trust you overnight? No
Does this excuse her actions? NO
It is easy to put all the blame on you and it is easy for you to take it.
What is your line in the sand Denver?
Can you stick to it?
Only you can answer those questions buddy.
I am not here to inflame the sitch Denver and most of this post will prob get edited but where is the chapter when it is ok for us NOT to lay down and take a beaten?
People will say only if you allow it to be 2step.
Yeah sure.....Except that you did not allow OM to be at her place and once the anger wore off that is when you felt the pain. That is when you hurt.
You can't shut down emotions and if anyone can I hope they can show me how.
Any decision you make right now will be based on anger and that is no way to make decisions. I say give yourself a few weeks to decide how to proceed but in the meantime you need to back away A LOT.
If she reaches out to you, and SHE WILL don’t’ answer. She will text next. A simple response will do…..
“W. I need some time to sort it out. I am sorry you feel the way you do about me but nothing I can do. Now it is time for me to make some decisions. In the meantime I need time and space”
She will fight, she will scream she will accuse and god knows what else. Guess what…
NOT YOUR PROBLEM!!
If you do not establish some level of control here and allow yourself some time to heal this will escalate and things will turn south in a hurry!!
Me 46 W 43 M 17 S 14 D 11 ILYB 9/2010 EA began July/August 2010 ? PA began Nov/Dec 2010 ? I began DB in Jan 2011 I filed 7/12/11 Kids and I moved out 7/30/11 I'm in it for the kids and me.
Any decision you make right now will be based on anger and that is no way to make decisions. I say give yourself a few weeks to decide how to proceed but in the meantime you need to back away A LOT.
If she reaches out to you, and SHE WILL don’t’ answer. She will text next. A simple response will do…..
“W. I need some time to sort it out. I am sorry you feel the way you do about me but nothing I can do. Now it is time for me to make some decisions. In the meantime I need time and space”
I think every man should read what 2Step wrote. Especially those of us that have "lost" our spouses to OM. That was one hell of a post and there is something in there for everyone. I am sick of losing my self respect and licking up crumbs and literally HATE to see others do it.
I am not here to inflame the sitch Denver and most of this post will prob get edited but where is the chapter when it is ok for us NOT to lay down and take a beaten?
DR pg(s): 103;124;175;215;225;230...
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Thanks Jack, I think it's important for *all* of us to realize that saving our M is secondary, we have to save *ourselves* first. Put your own breathing mask before your seatmates...
Me 43 W 38 M 5 T 7 SD20 S15, S13 with 1st W ILYBNILWY June 2010 Separation/Bomb July 2010 Divorce Feb 8, 2011
I am sick of losing my self respect and licking up crumbs and literally HATE to see others do it.
Your self respect is determined by your wife's actions?
Not arguing with you.
I just don't agree with you.
My loss of self respect would have come from my actions. Not from my wife's choice of a duchebag lover.
This choice to try your best to save a marriage, this is the worse part of: "for better or worse."
Better is a piece of cake.
But don't ever compare your self worth to your wife's horrible choices.
Your self esteem and worth should be a bit battered because of what you own up to in your part of your marriage failing, but not from her choices. Not as long as you're addressing your failings.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
