I need fast advice!

[kermitdfrog]

Thank you 25yearsmlc and cat03 for your kind responses,

I was up till 3 am last night reading different threads, and felt some strength from that. Just knowing others feel what I feel makes me feel that I'm not alone. And the advice I get here is incredibly valuable.
Saw the lawyer yesterday. I like her and she supports my desire to slow things down as much as legally possible, so that maybe my husband will reconsider. I can only hope. I am aware, 25yearsmlc, that contesting will not stop a divorce if he wants one. I just cannot get myself to sign something I absolutely do not believe or support just so I can make things "easy" on him. I look at this as a suicide. The self inflicted death of a marriage. And I WILL NOT be the one to load the gun with bullets. I love my husband, and I told my lawyer I will not do anything whatsoever to hurt him. I will not make decisions on revenge. I have no desire to cause him pain. My goals are A) to save my marriage if at all possible, and if I cannot, I want to be able to say to myself, and my kids, that I did everything in my power to stop it and B) if I cannot stop it, I need to protect myself and make sure I don't live in poverty
25yearsmlc, In answer to your questions: as far as GAL, I have done a lot. As I mentioned, I am now working full time (same job, working with autistic children, just now more hours), which I love. I have made a lot of new, supportive friends in this journey, who spend time with me, as well as my old friends. I try to be with people as much as possible. I go to Bible study, and just signed up to volunteer at a Christian radio station in our town. I really am trying to keep busy to keep my mind off of him. It isn't working.
I haven't told him about DB, and I won't.
As far as the sex, it is no longer an issue. Before "D day", when we were still working on the marriage, he came home every weekend and slept in our bed together. Now, I don't see him much, and he never sleeps here. Plus, even when he hugs me and gives me a kiss, he is very cautious and guarded. Like he is trying not to be romantic or take things any further. All I keep thinking is, he couldn't control himself when tempted by the woman he had the affair with, but he can control himself with his wife? It hurts.
I agree I need to stop any arguing. I never plan on it. I say one thing, he comes back with a comment, then me, and we're off... But I absolutely HAVE to control it. The DB coach, Laurie, said I have to make every interaction count. They need to be positive.
So today started out decent. Had breakfast with a friend, who still can't believe that my husband, who everyone thought was the perfect husband, is doing this. I can't either.
Then my husband emails, then calls me, about some household business (getting our lawnmower repaired, turning on the lawn sprinkler system for the summer) and says he will be by sometime in the next few days. I ask him if he knows when, because I need some paperwork from him for the lawyer. I said I hated how this has made us opponents. It slipped out of my mouth, then I changed the subject. He said he wants our son (who is home from college for the summer) to take over mowing the lawn. I thought to myself, bummer, because that is usually when we went out to eat together. Now there is no reason for him to see me. But at the end of the call, although I didn't get an "I love you" this time, he called me "babe". My DB coach said to pay attention to "slips of the tongue", like calling me babe (An affectionate term) and twice (including today) he has said he will be coming "home" to do something, pick up something, etc. He doesn't say "come by the house" or "come over" he says "home". He hasn't lived here since December. My daughter said once. "You know, mom, I think Dad wants a divorce in his head, but his heart isn't so sure..."
So, anyway, every time I talk to him I get SO incredibly sad. I miss him so much I can't stand it, and living in our home, that we raised our kids in, that we will have to sell, is just about killing me. The memories. The tree he and the kids planted for me for mother's day one year. The sloppy, but precious, paint job the kids and he did in the kitchen as a gift to me. The wedding pictures. The corner in the living room where we put the Christmas tree. The bedrooms where we use to tuck our babies in at night. The fireplace he and I sat in front of on romantic nights. THIS IS SO WRONG I JUST WANT TO SCREAM!!! How can he just be so cold about this? But as my friend says, he is removed from it. He isn't living in the house we've lived in for 22 years. He is at his mom's, 40 minutes away. I have to pass the restaurants, shops, etc that we have gone to for years. He doesn't.
Just like God says in the Bible..."I HATE DIVORCE!" I may not have much control over the outcome, but I will fight this with everything in me. I can't wrap my head around this. I can't even believe it's what he wants deep down. Talked to our marriage counselor about this yesterday- it's like when someone commits suicide. They don't really want to die. They just want the pain to stop. My husband, in my opinion, doesn't really want me gone from his life. He just wants the pain to stop. But I'm not the source of all his pain. He has his own issues, but wants to make them all about me. The counselor says he has been co dependent (my husband feels he has, too) but that stems from HIS issues, not our marriage. That can be fixed. He also, according to our counselor, has communication and intimacy issues, which likely started in childhood. Now, at age 49, he is evaluating his life, and rather than fix the things wrong, he wants to shut down emotionally and run away.
SO, I am off to Divorce Care group. Sorry these posts are so long. But it is really therapeutic! Thanks everyone for reading.