About your H feeling abandoned by the people he abandoned, I think that's not uncommon. This victim mentality was created in childhood, when he WAS abandoned/wounded in some way by those he depended upon to care for him, and he's not yet reached the point where he can distinguish between his family of origin and the family he created with you. If, as he continues to emerge from the tunnel, he becomes consciously aware of them as being separate entities, and stops merely reacting with his emotional reflexes, there's a good chance he will see his past actions differently.
I think I can see where you're coming from w/r to finding closure with your H, when I consider the man who molested me throughout my childhood. I loved him as a child, and although I have forgiven him, I have no desire to have any sort of relationship with him. However, if he makes any kind of gesture before he dies to make amends/apologize, etc, I would listen/respond to that. It feels to me as though that would be part of the forgiveness process. Also, I would not like to feel as though I prevented another human being from finding some measure of peace (while still maintaining all necessary boundaries to keep myself from being hurt again).
I have read about a woman whose daughter was raped and killed and another whose husband was killed by young partiers making prison visits to the perpetrators, forgiving them, and becoming part of their rehabilitation. I admire the ability of those women to see the good even in those who hurt them the most deeply. In the same way, I admire you for seeking complete healing for yourself in this way.
