Sorry you are having this experience...I hope in time you see that he's a very troubled, ungiving man. Wants vows to him kept...but not vows he makes...
when my aunt was deserted by my uncle many years ago, for ow, she was devastated. Truly.
He left her while they were overseas and she had to find her way back to the US with two little kids and had $26 with her when she landed at JFK...her MIL took her in for awhile and was ashamed of her son, the h....Oh, and Her ex h married OW and stayed in Europe where child support orders were not yet enforcable...nice...my aunt changed careers from the Foreign Service to teach, so she could be with her children... at half her old pay, never mind her career...
My aunt got her life together eventually. Then One day, 8 years later, OW/wife#2 called my aunt to see if her H, (aunt's ex h) was THERE...b/c he was STILL cheating...even on new wife!!!..
At that moment, my aunt says she felt a huge weight off her shoulders.
Like you, she had suspected and often had those stomach aches and gaslighting fears....
Suddenly in a moment of clarity, she realized that her ex h had done her a favor. She had just had 8 years of NONE OF THAT SICKNESS INSIDE...
Aside from his cheating, he was very unreliable.
She remarried a very different man and was a lot happier then she would have been with her very flawed first h.
So it goes.
At some level you are grieving and missing, what you thought you had, who he might have become...but not who he really was.
That might be mentally helpful to remember, but for now your pain is too raw. I feel for you.
But where the head goes, the heart will, eventually follow.
Let it happen
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
