18 Wheels and a Dozen Roses

[25yearsmlc]

AJM,

I've read this thread now and just wanted to give you my "gestalt". I have ONE question though...

What has he SAID about your M? He wants you to stick around BUT he's not sure what he wants vis a vis the marriage and....??

My take on it is that he openly states he's on the fence, unsure of what he wants and also is dating the OW but maybe wants out, and yada yada...??

Is that what's going on with him vis a vis you guys? (for the sake of this post, I will assume I am accurate there. IF not, then I leave it to you to separate the chaff from the wheat).

You & I have discussed forgiveness at length. But I don't see that as the problem at this point.

Right now, he's says he's on the fence, but he's not.

He's with OW.

He would prefer you stay around b/c it's easier on him....

And that is how I see it. Sorry.

Your approach has succeeded in making your time together better and that IS good.

I agree with you being upbeat and pleasant. But I think a WHOLE LOT more mystery and the idea of him losing you, soon, has to come up, if you want more movement from him...

and I don't just mean moving geographically.

Basically, if moving will make your life easier, and you can avoid a big time commitment there (like having to buy a house or something crazy)

I'd plan on it. Let him know. He'll have a month (=the 12th month??) to man up.


If he cannot do that, you have your answer for now.

I think he has to see what life is like without you guys at his beck and call for his family fix. I think that MAY mean you have to go, for him to get it, IF & Only IF he can get it...

After my h moved to the tundra and took his boards, finally finishing the task he had decided was the most important thing in the world,

that NIGHT he called and asked when we'd join him...wth??

Point is, til then, til he was literally gone that far away and only after the boards whcih took weeks,

I don't know that h ever realized we weren't there...I mean at least figuratively he didn't. But I almost believe he looked around and said "where is everyone? Oh yeah, they're 3000 miles away b/c I left them there....and I'm lonely...I MISS THEM..."ooops.

Your h doesn't really get to miss you guys yet. He can come over and get his fix. (When he is there, it's important that you be as pleasant as possible b/c you want him to remember THAT when you are gone).


And you feel stuck b/c you are not geographically committed to where you are....true?? Well That stinks for you and you've had this problem for a year??

I think you have a deadline coming. How much of a hassle logistically speaking and financially, will it be for you to go there IF h wants you back?

And can HE join you where you go? OR would it be you returning to where he is?

FWIW, no discussion of how he wants to break up with OW, etc is relevant as long as he's with her.

I would not be interested in hearing any updates on OW until if and when they are real. For now, they're not.

That is all that matters. They are together...period.

If he brings their R up again as if he's telling you their problems or asking for advice, refer him elsewhere b/c you don't have anything to aid him with

...she's OW and you are a wife...it's a bit much for him to say a word about her, until that word is "over"....imo

Don't bother snooping either. What matters would be when HE presents the proof to you that she's gone and he's ready. Those are not boundaries you have to tell him. They're obvious realities. Don't bother looking controlling or critical; you're simply self respecting. This isn't really debatable is it?
The boundaries you set, imo, are internal ones for you.

What if you assume you are leaving and radiate that, and the belief that you are going to be fine?

BELIEVE THAT HE IS LOSING MORE THAN YOU...B/C IT IS TRUE...

AS YOU RADIATE THAT BELIEF, AND FEEL REGRET FOR HIS PENDING LOSS, IT'LL SINK IN....

and You actually are going to be better off.

Yes I believe that. You remind me of my older sister (in a good way!!) whose h left her with 3 kids after 22 years of m. He was funny and smart but a definite taker and she's a giver. Pregnant and always working full time as a nurse, she put him thru law school, where he had his first A....nice...

When he finally left her, my sisters and I knew INSIDE (could not tell her b/c she was so sad) that older sister would someday be happier b/c her h was a taker. We just KNEW she'd be better off at SOME Point....I predicted 2 years, my other sisters said 1 or 3....but her ex h was never going to be a content person.

She, otoh, is an innately happy woman, with a beautiful spirit, but h was sucking out her happiness and she was so hurt...

so he leaves and goes off with OW#1 and when they break up after 5 months, her ex h tells HER, my sister that he "gets" how hurt she was when he left b/c now HE is hurt b/c his gf of 5 months broke up with him....yes, he wanted MY Sister to comfort HIM!!

2 years pass and he's with OW#2or 3....& my sister finally begins to date.

She meets a giver!! She gets engaged to this giver/h#2 who worships the ground she walks on. Makes every effort for her and clearly makes her THE priority in his life...

EX H calls sister and says he now "gets it" and effed up big time and was wrong and blah blah blah...this is ONE MONTH before my sister's wedding to h#2.

She said "Thanks for telling me that..." and she married h#2 and is truly, genuinely happier than she possibly could have been with h#1.

I ask her if she was tempted to return to exh. She says she will always feel "sad about the kids and their pain of div, as for actual marriage, she'd never go back to ex h now that she knows what it's like to be THE priority in someone else's life..." meaning her new h....

I don't think h#1 could have learned the lessons he learned, without losing my sister and finding out that HE is a taker, and not that many givers are out there...Later on, her Exh remarried someone HE describes as "high maintenance"....(can you say "karma"?)

Her exh did her a favor and we knew it at the time but could not say it....

After reading about how your h was and to an extent still is...and how he is with OW but acts as if he's somehow "noble" for not wanting to hurt OW...why? I don't see that as nice guy stuff but as cowardly and weak and that's IF it's even true....

I see him as having a big streak of selfishness and immaturity. I don't know how he'll improve much as it is. Maybe...

Keep making the times you do have, as upbeat and happy as can be.

I believe, and it is jmho, that you should get on with your life b/c he won't join you unless he is going to lose you otherwise. He's an indecisive cakeeater...imho. I certainly could be wrong.

And I pray somehow I have helped you.
I'll leave you with that.






((( )))