Forgive or else...what?

[AJM80]

Hi - other woman is a stripper who was sleeping with multiple other men when they first started going to hotels to have unprotected sex, while I was pregnant with son. That's where my comments about health concerns comes in - it just seems so, so dirty and irresponsible. Condoms are not that hard to use. We got tested, all were clean. Would ask him get tested again before anything went too far, since he is still with her. What do you think about HPV - is that all hype re Gardisil? They really targeted my peer group when it came out and freaked us all out.

God works in mysterious ways. Last night H brought up taking the kids to visit his sister while his parents are also in town. He wanted to know if I'd go too or if it would be to weird for me. I said I needed to think about it and asked where we'd be staying. After reading your message about vacation, I thought, I know we'll have fun, why not.

He said the other day he doesn't love her and is trying to figure out how to end it, but it kind of is what it is. He told me 6 months ago that he did love her and wanted to be with her. For me, I'd thought I would rather not know....but it helped me understand why he was so all over the place.

I think H is a fundamentally good, loving person who deserves forgiveness. I can understand how this all happened. I think I've owned my part in all the craziness and tried to make good changes in my life. He seems to slowly be making some changes of his own and I do like him better for the good times we've had in the last few months. I did what you did and faked it until I really did start enjoying our time together. I try to spend as little time as possible being angry or unhappy - things with the kids get to me. When D is upset/crying about Daddy or when I am struggling to handle finances and 2 babies or when he misses milestones (holidays, firsts, etc), I think wow - how is this ok?

I'd always thought my parents broke the cycle of divorce (both their parents) - they have an amazing, real marriage with the good and the bad and commitment. My gma was never an angry woman until the dementia in her late 80s and even then, it was very sporadic. She was a devout Christian, a loving, funny woman. She never complained in my hearing about all the jobs she worked and everything she went through with 7 kids to raise on her own. My aunts and mother have told us more about what happened, especially when they were so upset that she was reliving "what he did to her". Her ability to accept her H for who he was let most of her children still have a loving relationship with their father.

"We each have our own lens for viewing and it's NOT necessary to agree on all that happened or why. We can each own what we can and not necessarily talk it all out with each other...Leave the past in the past." - This is something I am getting closer to fully living, but still struggle with sometimes.

Totally understand what you mean when you say this - "When I "review" our m this way, I can get all into my victimhood. My journal, when I read it, gets me riled up. So I don't do that." I try to avoid my triggers that throw me back to the more intense emotions and try to focus on the joy and progress we've all made. Like I said, it is usually things with the kids or being overwhelmed that get me.

Agree - "For the "record", DBing is likely to be a one time deal for me."

I don't think it's too late - it is a question of whether or not he's willing to put in the work to help fix things. At this point, while I am not sure of what he wants, he has said sometimes he thinks he should ask me to go to counseling and "try to patch together some semblance of a relationship for the kids sake" I have said in the past that I would be willing to go to counseling for the kid's sake, but I'm not willing to "just stay married until the kids are out of school". He's said in the past that maybe being a good father/husband isn't a goal of his. However, that was in the initial craziness and he's made huge steps in his interactions with the kids (and me)with every month that has gone by.

My parent's PDA always made me feel really happy - she'd reach over and rub his neck in the car or he'd kiss her hello/goodbye, etc. Plenty of huffs and puffs too, but mostly bending and helping. I also want my kids to understand that life is real and sometimes it hurts, but you get up and go on and do the best you can. People make mistakes and you forgive the people you love. But you cannot take away the consequences of their actions - my H, like yours will have to deal with his own regret and the damage he did to a lot of relationships.