Detach Dog

[2stepboogie]

Just because you were rejected by one woman doesn’t make you a reject. Love is complex, women are more so. But if you respect yourself, and that is were this starts, you have to know that you are the same person you were before you married. Grab a-hold of that, embrace it and enjoy it. Revel in it. You are a good man and even if you are stuck under a rock with no hope of ever meeting a decent woman again, it still doesn’t change that simple fact, you are a good man. Should no one ever notice, it still doesn’t change you! You are a good man

[25yearsmlc]

Not to quibble but my guess is 9 is better than before...and will keep on "becoming" the man he's always aspired to become.

The woman who catches him will be lucky.

[ninelives]

Thanks guys. Means so much to me.

Hate to post this next thing but this is where we come to be honest right.

Its been over 5 days since I contacted W. She sent me the Happy Birthday greeting at 12:01 on my Bday and I am wondering what that was all about.

I overheard my youngest son talking to my ex about his dirtbike and when will it be ready. I guess OM took it to get fixed and I asked youngest if they are planning to go somewhere on the island and go for a ride. He doesnt ride but has a truck to transport bike.

Youngest said, that he and his mom would go and OM would probably get the bike there. Beyond that , its all speculation.

My point: I guess i have to prepare for OM to be doing fun things with my son. I know people will tell me that its better that he is good to your son than being mean and that He will never replace me as a father. I KNOW that , it still hurts nonetheless.

And I cant for the life of me stop thinking about he. I was hoping that my birthday was going to be a Turnaround for me to a REBIRTH, but it has done the opposite. Or I have let it.

NOBODY wants to be stuck in pain. That is insanity however, try as I might, I cant seem to shake my sadness right now. And the pain is really intense.

25, I dont want this. I have been taking your advice by faking it till I make it infront of everybody, but in quiet moments, it hurts like hell. Really bad.

MY W seems to have moved on and appears to be living her life. Her mom's house goes up for sale and she will get some money from that. I dont think she has many regrets.

I hope this is just a passing thing for me and I get back to GAL and getting happy. Like I said before, to do otherwise is insane.

IM not sure what Im asking for here. My chief focus is to NOT let her see how much I am hurting and not to have any negative convorsations with her.

9

[jbnati]

I can see how the OM doing things for your S would just tear you apart. Like you've realized, too, it is probably better that than being mean to him.

I'm sure your W has regrets that she's suppressing at the moment. What is she going to do when things start to sour?

[~ kd ~]

knowing and doing, 9. You have been practicing detaching and you are still stuck with hopes and expectations.

It's not the best answer, maybe not even a good answer, but you could try expecting the worst, only. And put hope on the shelf.

For me, I'm expecting the worst every time there is comm between my W and I. And with that, I've trained myself to become less reactive, whether the comm is negative as I expect, or positive like I do not expect.

I've also believing that I DO NOT want her back. That's not completely a lie, because there really are things that make me fear ever getting back together, in case those things remain. But remaining positive that I can "do better"... find someone who will be all the good qualities that I found in my W, without those negatives. And of course, I'm not fooling myself that anyone new would not have negatives. I just can't anticipate or predict those new negatives, so it seems... rosey...

I don't know, just some thoughts. But it does seem that you are wallowing in the pain. Stuck there. Maybe you need a break and need to feel the pain for a while. As soon as you can find the energy, get out there and wholly focus on the GAL again.

All the best to you.

[BeTheMan]

Nine - For a very long time, I felt the way you do right now. I still do once in a while. Everyone was telling me to move on and get over it, and I just couldn't do it. Finally, a couple weeks ago, I basically forced myself to "quit". I looked at the reality of who STBX is now and the reality of what she has done over the last couple years and realized that I actually don't want to be with that woman. Yes, I want the woman I met and fell in love with, but she's no where to be found now.

Then, I realized that any interaction with STBX isn't good for me. Sure, it might feel good in the moment, but not after. It's a lot like a drug user in that way. But, it's also like a drug, in that if you go through the withdrawal and other nasty stuff, the reward is that it no longer has a hold on you. I have chosen to have nothing to do with STBX, unless it's absolutely required. That drug is not going in my veins.

So, here's my advice; go dark, whatever you want to call it. Heck, pretend she's dead if you have to. Count each day as a goal made. I know today is day 7 of my most recent darkness. It actually makes me feel like I have some control. I won't contact STBX, but if she contacts me, I will be civil, but that's it. No conversation that isn't required. I don't believe most of what she says anyway, so why bother? Then, right back to dark and counting the days again.

I may not be the best person to tell you how to handle this, since I have been here for years. But, at the same time, maybe I am, since I have finally found a way to break that hold that kept me here for so many years.

I will gladly be your darkness "buddy". We will support each other and have to answer to each other if we break the dark. It does help to have someone who you know is not going to accept excuses and will make you stick to a plan.

I literally see myself in your texts, and truly know what you feel and for that reason, want to help you. You will get past this and so will I. We are good men and deserve more.

[LearningPatience]

I'm going to echo BTM and recommend dark at this point. W might see it as a punishment, but it's really to give yourself an emotional rest. In my case, I still go through some of the grieving, but like BTM said, I tell myself my W is dead and go on living myself. It's gone from the sitch controlling me to me controlling the sitch. It's hard, but empowering and healthier in the end.

[Starsky309]

I may not be the best person to tell you how to handle this, since I have been here for years. But, at the same time, maybe I am, since I have finally found a way to break that hold that kept me here for so many years.

I will gladly be your darkness "buddy". We will support each other and have to answer to each other if we break the dark. It does help to have someone who you know is not going to accept excuses and will make you stick to a plan.

I think this is a SPLENDID idea!!!


Starsky

[25yearsmlc]

She sent me the Happy Birthday greeting at 12:01 on my Bday and I am wondering what that was all about.

Nothing much, b/c it was the minimum amount of contact to send the thought.

Youngest said, that he and his mom would go and OM would probably get the bike there. Beyond that , its all speculation.

Get the STOP SIGN out and put it in your mind when you begin down this path. Ask NO questions of son when it comes to any of this. That really IS something you can refrain from doing.

And I cant for the life of me stop thinking about he. I was hoping that my birthday was going to be a Turnaround for me to a REBIRTH, but it has done the opposite. Or I have let it. Your answer is in front of you in your own words...

NOBODY wants to be stuck in pain. That is insanity however, try as I might, I cant seem to shake my sadness right now. And the pain is really intense.

25, I dont want this. I have been taking your advice by faking it till I make it infront of everybody, but in quiet moments, it hurts like hell. Really bad.

I know. And with all my admonitions about doing this, the fact is I did the same thing for awhile too. Longer than I care to admit. But I began to believe that my h was losing more than I was. I think I radiated that, once it had sunk in. And that eventually affected h...


MY W seems to have moved on and appears to be living her life. I dont think she has many regrets.

Two things I really wanted to tell you here...first, you are mind reading, to your detriment (you never seem to mind read in a way that isn't all great FOR HER...interesting, self inflicted stuff that is NOT REAL).

So that's just not even realistic and yet...remember, where the head goes, the heart will EVENTUALLY, follow. Keep your head straight and avoid the negative mind reading and assumptions.

I think she's a better actor than you AND since she is dating, the whole thing is easier to pull off for her. When you begin dating, if you do, or if you can really work up some mystery, I think things will change. More will be revealed when she actually fears losing you to another woman.

Second, and more important, Your success or Happiness as an LBSer is NOT related to her misery. You MUST Get this.

This is key. Your success and happiness is solely "measured" by what you create in your life. You are in charge of that.

9, what if your life were a novel? I think we know this chapter has sucked. But 9, who is the author of this novel?

You need to be the author of your life. You write how this Next Chapter goes...and YOU write how the rest of the whole book goes...

I hope this is just a passing thing for me and I get back to GAL and getting happy. Like I said before, to do otherwise is insane.

It is a passing thing, albeit a painful one. But the rest is true...GAL does work although your weird island situation is...weird. But you get this. You are simply having an emotional backslide.

Guess what? YOU DID NOT ACT ON IT....THAT'S PROGRESS MY FRIEND...it really is.

IM not sure what Im asking for here. My chief focus is to NOT let her see how much I am hurting and not to have any negative convorsations with her.

Yes it is, PLUS the other stuff you are hearing here.

9

As the GREAT "philosopher", Christopher Robin (yeah, that kid from Winnie the Pooh) said...

"You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think"

[ninelives]

Great support again. Let me address these one at a time:

Jb: The Om should not be my focus at all, yes its painful , but less is more in this case

KD: Interesting take on expecting the worst. Its never been my style as I always expected the best. Even late in a game when we were losing, I always thought there was a way to turn things around. I know this is not a game but I have usually been a half full kind of guy. Putting hope away is a good thought. IVe tried to keep that box deep in my closest but always seems to find its way out.

BTM: Thanks for the kind offer to help each other stay dark. Im not contacting her and havent for a long time. I usually respond to her "madness" and sometimes dont. I coach son tonight and since she doesnt have him , she shouldnt be there. She is in the city tonight trying to pick out a guitar for oldest son. Despite me suggesting we buy a new one for his birthday as I have gotten some real good advice from some of my guitar playing friends, she went to look at it.
Im expecting a text from her tonight for sure about the guitar.

LP: I am dark in the sense that I dont initiate contact with her.
I will reamin there and will be civil to her when she texts.

25: What can I say, advice again is succinct and wise. As I have mentioned, I have read everything you write on all posts and try to apply. I try and wrap my pea brain around all your concepts.

The one I struggle with and I wish I could embrace is to let HIM shoulder some of the burden. I have tried on many occasions to let HIM in but it just seems forced and fake to me at this stage.
I cant explain it. I was raised a Greek Orthodox but got away from it when I went to University. I have read books on this as well as Tolle and others. Maybe IM forcing it but it isnt happening yet.

The more Piglet searched for Pooh, the less he was there. Or something like that. Just getting my Winnie the POOH fix in as well.

Incidently, named after a Canadian bear in Winnipeg Canada.
Today is almost done, tomorrow is coming fast.

9